My grandmother just died...

...and I'm avoiding my family. It was a long, agonizing death that dragged out for over a year. Everyone knew it was coming. This past month I prayed and prayed for it to be over. When we got to the hospital at 3 am yesterday and the doctor said, "she's passed," I was so relieved. I was there for them while they all cried and told her how sorry they were (for what exactly, I don't know). Then I spent the rest of the day alone. I just feel more comfortable that way, you know? Plus, it doesn't help that all they want to do is think "We should have done more. We should have visited her more. We should have done this, we should have done that." My mother actually called me from her house and said, "You and I shoudl have gone to see her more before her stroke! She always talked about how much she missed us and was lonely without us! We should have done that!" I was like, thanks ma, you make me feel good. Christ, I was in high school, with no car, friends of my own, and homework to do (yes, back then, I actually did my homework fairly regularly). What was I supposed to do? Grab onto my mother's leg and say "PLEASE take me to gramma's house! Oh PLEASE!" I was 14 years old- the most selfish time of my life and I'm not going to make apologies for when I was young and stupid.
Jesus, I realize the matriarch of our family has died, but do we really have to be so God damned negative? This is a blessing! She suffered EVERY DAY when she was alive, and now she is finally at peace. All they want to do is beat themselves up and feel guilty. I'm sure it's normal to think such things, but is there a reason why I'm not going through this phase?
I prefer to remember the good things about her before she had her stroke and became a high functioning vegetable, think about how we did everything we could, and how her pain is finally over.
I'm sick of crying; it's not going to bring her back, and at this point, it's not making me feel better anyway. I'm not trying to suppress my feelings... Is it weird that I'm seemingly moving on so much faster than everyone else? Maybe it's the B-complex I took yesterday that helped me think more rationally...

I just can't stand to be around them right now. They'll just make me feel worse. Every time I try to tell them not to wish her back, all they can say is "But I MISS her!" like I'm telling them not to or something. That's not what I'm saying (although I must confess I don't understand it... She hadn't been herself for quite some time and I could barely look at her without feeling guilty for prolonging her life). All I'm saying is, stop beating yourself and everyone else up because of everything we supposedly did wrong. It's over. We did everything we could for her during her last year on earth... probably too much...
I've always been a bit stand-offish with my mother because she likes to force intimacy on me. I wish I could overcome it and go and comfort them, but I just can't stand their chatter. That's right, I'm still a selfish bitch. I'm in a healthy place right now. I tried to share it with them, but it's not working for them. There's nothing I can say. It's pointless. They have each other. They don't need me. Let them wallow in misery and self-loathing. I'm not going to do it with them.

 

When mine died I cried. But I was also in like grade 3, but still it was sad.

My other is still alive though, but I never got to meet any of my grandfathers

 

Just made eggplant parm. Going over there to give them the food and greet guests. Ugh. Wish me luck.

 

sorry to hear about ur loss.

 

its always misreable when this happens. my last grandparent, my grandma (never new my granddads and my other grandma died 2005). My grandma unfourtunatly smoked all her life and she as only diagnosed with lung cancer early december (i was told on christmas eve). i just wish that the last time i ever saw her that i wasnt stoned, it just made the whole thing more emotional and well... wrong (i thought it would calm me down). she died late january and the funeral just ended up being awkward with my young cousins not really understanding that she was dead and the priest first of all forgetting her name (ann) then he forgot her gender.
I loved her so much i just wish she hadnt been taken so early (72).
thank you for giving me a medium to express my emotions.
Im sorry for your loss. Atleast she isn't in pain now.

 

Got back around 10:30 last night. It was as horrible as I thought it would be. My mother is ridiculous right now. I understand that she just lost her mother, and there's nothing I can say to help, but all she does is rip my head off every time I say something. I don't know why she even wanted me around. And she keeps asking me stupid shit like, "do you miss her? are you thinking of her? do you think she's here?" and just totally forcing me to say all this shit. I do NOT want to be dragged down by her. This is rather personal for me, and I will volunteer information by my own admission, thanks.
I'm just so weird for this family... I must be adopted. I just don't express myself the way they do and it's really alienating.
You know she actually got pissed off at her boyfriend for saying he knew how she felt (he lost his father a long time ago ad his mother last year) and she got pissed at him because apparently he and his mother didn't get along, so logically it wasn't supposed to affect him? I told her to stop immediately. It was just wrong. You don't do that. He's still suffering over the loss of his mother and was only trying to connect with her and help.
Why does she want to cling to me and force information out of me when he is trying to be there for her and be comforting? Why would she reject him and not me? I don't even want to talk... not to her, anyway, for reasons listed throughout this thread... mostly my vile hatred of bullshit and that's all they seem to want to do... blame and bullshit...

Edd, that's awful. Did she die quickly? My grandfather (on the other side of the family) was diagnosed with lung cancer and 6 months later, he was gone. He suffered a bit, but not terribly as my grandmother did. She was 84. He was... oh shit... 89? He definitely got the better end of the deal. Got to live almost 90 years doing exactly what he wanted with no health problems. My gram got to have multiple strokes all her life starting in her twenties, an abusive husband and blindness in her later life. Life's just not fair. I wouldn't wish what she went through on anyone...
I feel for you, Edd, and thanks, Dusk.

 

She had had the cancer for about a year and had just got weaker and weaker until she was taken into hospital were she was diagnosed with pneumonia and as having fluid in her lungs. Her lungs were drained several times and my mum was up there for two months. eventually she was diagnosed with lung cancer and with a large chance that the cancer had spread elsewhere, I got the news the day before christmas. She was moved to a hospice were she died 2weeks later. the irony is she quit ciggarretes 4 months before she was diagnosed. Its horrible when you lose someone like that she seemed relativly young and viriel and well reliable. Im sorry that she has had to suffer from strokes as i know from the experiances ive had with my uncle who has suffered from several strokes that the recovery is a long and emotionally draining.

Im sorry for the thread Jack but i started typing and it really made me think about how it made ME feel. I hope your mum will start to cope abit better soon as it is oblivously putting strain upon your relationship with her and others. good luck.
Edd

 

Thanks, and it's no problem at all. I'm doing better since I'm away from her, but I'm sure as soon as I talk to her again, I'll be right back on here to vent my piss-off.:tongue:
Sorry to everyone who might think I'm mean, but keep in mind, I'm dealing with stuff too, and I deal with it by taking a logical approach. She deals with it by denouncing logic and letting her emotions rule everything she says to everyone and freaking out at the tiniest things, reading into stuff that isn't there. That's pretty much toxic to me, so please understand, I'm doing everyone a favor by staying away.

 

wow firefly... i hear your going through some hard shit right now! i am too. its hard for me to write this, because i lost someone quite close to me not too long ago either. i'm still quite raw with it. i started a thread about her here, just like you have done. when the rawness has lessen with me, i'll go back to that thread, and thank everyone there for their support. like you i need time and space to work through it. take care of yourself (sounds like your trying to.) and remember, there are alot of people here at hip fourms who care about you. hit us up if you need anything!

 

So my boyfriend is taking time off from school and work to drive 8 hours to spend the weekend with me and go to the memorial service on Sunday. He's kind of amazing that way... I think I cried the hardest when I found out he would be coming. Been so strong thus far without crying excessively... for some reason, thinking about him and his presence makes it harder to hold back...

Sorry for you too blackcat... So much death going on... Been surrounded with it for about a month...