Confused like everyone else here...

Hey everyone out there, I am and have been sort of sexually confused for some time now, and I was wondering if someone could give me an outsider's perspective on my situation.

I am a male 22 year old college student and this has been bothering me for a while. It's probably best to start waaay at the beginning (which means this will be something of a long post, so bear with me, if you would). When I was in pre-school (probably like 3 or 4 years old) I remember one of my friends taking me into a closet and telling me to touch his tongue with mine. I remember feeling kind of weird about it. I don't know if that really has anything to do with my current situation, but it's something to consider.

I think I became sexually aware before many of my peers did, or at least before it was acceptable to talk about sexual feelings. In 4th grade, I remember being attracted to various girls and imagining myself naked with them, although my conception of sex wasn't really all there, obviously. In 5th grade, one of my friends told me about a porn website, which I checked out as soon as I got home. I definitely got erections looking at pictures of naked women (no sex, I don't think), although I didn't really know about masturbating yet. I was definitely pretty entranced by it, though. Somewhere along the line I started touching myself and more or less accidentally discovered masturbation (as many do, I'm sure). As soon as I found that I pretty quickly became hooked.

In 6th grade it suddenly became cool to like girls and I was invited to a couple parties with parent-supervised dancing, but I was very shy about it, so much so that people asked me if I was gay (definitely not then). I definitely had a couple crushes on girls, but was too afraid to really do anything about them. All the while I became very into masturbating, sometimes to porn but mostly to fantasies of girls I knew and was attracted to. I also remember smelling my (younger) sister's underwear at some point and even trying some on. I knew this was "naughty" but never considered it at all homosexual...I think I was just sex-crazed. I also remember masturbating to thoughts of a couple of my teachers, which is kind of weird at that age, I think.

Anyway, in 7th grade I met this girl who liked me and we started talking on the phone and whatnot. Nothing physical ever happened, but I wanted it to. I think she wanted me to make a move, which I was pretty scared to do. We went on a "date" once and hugged sometimes (a big deal to me then), but that was it. She was a year older and so at the end of the year went on to high school. In 8th grade I developed a HUGE crush on this one girl and was essentially incapable of even talking to her; the crush lasted even like half-way into highschool.

It was around this time that I first worried about being gay. I had previously tried masturbating to the thought of a male friend, but it didn't do anything for me. However, in my over-sexed-ness I tried tasting my own cum and putting something up my butt. I also used to read about other people doing stuff like this and found it very exciting. I think I also first looked at gay porn and found it mildly arousing, though not nearly as much as straight porn. For a couple days after this I was really worried about what it meant, but it passed.

The first year of high school was essentially uneventful, except that I continued watching porn and masturbating and wishing I had the nerve to talk to this girl. Also the girl I had been friendly with in 7th grade was there and I had a pretty big crush on her, too, but couldn't do anything about that one, either. I was also introduced to another girl who went to a different school and was very taken with me and who, at the end of sophomore year, decided she wanted me to touch her breasts and make out with her (she was very forward about this and I think some of it was in response to the fact that I didn't act terribly interested in her.) So I obviously was all for this, but I told her it didn't really make me like her any more so we kind of stopped talking for a bit.

When my 7th grade female friend found out about this, she was quite intrigued and decided we should become friends with benefits (I was quite the envy of my male friends in these days), so we used to fool around at her house after school before her parents got homed a couple times a week. We started out just making out but eventually went down the pants...no orgasms, though. I still had feelings for her and became rather obsessive because I still couldn't bring myself to act at all affectionate around her in public and she was quite a social butterfly..so I got jealous and she decided to cut it off because I was kind of freaking out. This was junior year, by the way. I was kind of devastated, but I had been pretty messed up during the whole ordeal, too, so it wasn't too bad (and we're friendly now).

Senior year rolled around the the girl whose breasts I fondled wanted me back, so we started hooking up. This lasted until college started and then some, but she wanted to have sex and I felt weird about it (I had some high-falluting idea about losing my viriginity to someone I loved...not worth it, in retrospect) and so she got frustrated and cut it off. The summer after freshman year, though we started again, but I was still very unemotive. I don't know if I didn't like her (she was pretty crazy herself and we didn't have much in common, but she was cute and fun) or if I was just too afraid to do anything or what. But so she started dating my friend, which really sent me into a tailspin emotionally. I realized I really did like her and got very depressed about it.

Thus began a 2-year dryspell between me and women. I just watched porn, smoked pot, and felt bad for myself. My grades slipped, etc. I started watching some gay porn and was reasonably into it at times, though it was kind of in spurts and lulls. Junior year I almost tried to find gay sex on craigslist but backed out at the last minute. I didn't think I was gay, but I was turned on by gay porn at times...sometimes really turned on.

Due to the grade slippage and general depression I unenrolled from college for a semester and just hung around for a couple months. I ended up losing my virginity to this girl I didn't really care about (so much for that!) and I was beginning to question my sexuality more. Over the summer I met a girl that I was rather drawn to and who I knew liked me...but again I was afraid to do anything about it. I continued watching porn, sometimes gay, and masturbating instead of trying to get with her. So last semester, I came back from this feeling good, but plagued by feelings I might be gay (again, this went in cycles).

I'm really kind of terrified of being gay in some ways...I want to have kids and I've always liked women. Another thought it that I'm not that attracted to actual guys. I have a bunch of good friends and only rarely have sexual feelings for them. However I can't get this feeling out of my head that I'm gay. Every now and then I get reasonably attracted to a guy I see, but it's not that common. Two complicating factors are my intense fear of girls, especially when I'm attracted to them, and my porn watching. I think porn has really alienated me sexually and caused a mental separation of physical and emotional love. Emotionally I'm pretty sure I prefer women, but something about gay porn really turns me on sometimes. Also I obviously use masturbation as a bit of an escape to avoid having to actually make a move on someone I'm interested in. Sometimes I wonder if these bad relationships with the two girls in high school and my fear of women in general hasn't led me to this as some sort of less-anxiety-inducing alternative. I'm obviously somewhat bisexual, but I worry a lot that I'm fooling myself and I'm actually gay...then again, maybe I'm more straight and have this homosexuality OCD that people talk about here...especially because a lot of this started with me wondering if I was gay and then trying to watch gay porn...at first there was nothing, but now...
Also I don't do things like think about my teachers any more (or if I do, they're reasonably close in age to me and I'm older now so it's not as weird) or try on my sister's panties. That was more or less a one-time thing back in middle school.

This is all really important right now because a girl I know is interested in me and I think she's really cool but I'm worried that I actually am gay...We've fooled around and had sex once (for only my second time) and I'm really worried I'm going to fuck things up or suddenly realise I'm gay. I have no trouble getting aroused around her, but the way I get aroused to gay porn is worrisome.

Sorry, this was a huge post. I'll be thankful if you made it this far...Thoughts? Suggestions? Is it possible to be physically attracted to gay sex...but still find girls prettier (I also don't really fancy the idea of kissing a guy) and be more emotionally attracted to them? Any comments appreciated. This has been a nice cathartic experience type this.

 

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Yeah...I really think porn has messed up my sense of reality. I'm very rarely taken with a guy as I am with girls, and yet.... it's almost as if I've watched too many videos of girls and it's just kind of old or something.
Porn tends to be all about "hardcore" where the camera is much more focussed on the girls pussy or ass and not really on the girl, so I find I just want to see more and more hardcore things. I find porn that's a bit more about the girl than the genitals to be much more up my alley lately.
Nice to know someone feels the same, though. I would wager that our generation is especially plagued by this because of ready access to internet porn. It's definitely not good for someone who already has sort of escapist tendencies.

 

Stop watching porn and go for the girl. Porn is generally speaking quite lame and even boring. Have relationships instead its much better.

Regards