so I'm 23 and been with my boyfriend for 2 and half years of today. the first year we fought alot and he talked down to me alot, yelling and being verbally abusive. but it was only during fights, not normal day to day stuff (not an excuse just explaining) I moved away in august and re-found myself. I lost myself in him, I was one of those always gotta be with him girls. I was one of those if he doesnt love me I'll die girls. now I am a girl who loves reading, writing, being by herself, and not letting people walk on me. I LOVE being my own woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I liek to speak up for myself now. I dont let people treat me like shit and I dont let people look down on me and if that means speakin up and starting fights with that said person then I'm gonna do it. I don't look for fights believe me I just look to let people know you are not going to treat me like crap. well my boyfriend has quiet a problem with this. he's the sweetest guy to me, treats me good now, but if I stick up for myself he gets all bothered. he asks me why I gotta make a big deal outta stuff, why can't I just sit back and not let it bother me just let it go. well i did that for too long. I did it with my dad (he ws verbally abusive too)and then him. I'm not doing it anymore. he likes to just let people walk on him he never does anything about it. I dont want to be like that. and about 99% of the time, the person treating me like crap is one of his drunk jerk friends who harass me and put me down, and he sits back and does nothing because he doesnt want to cause a problem. how do I explain to him that I am not being a bitch, I've just been burned too long in my life to let anyone else disrespect me p.s. I hope this is the right forum, I consider this a "women's right" type issue..more then a relationship
Bitch has become a negative connotation...and it shouldn't be... I'm the same as you, I've been burned in relationships and I stand up for myself now. Some people think of it as being a bitch...well, if standing up for myself equates to being a bitch...count me in! I'm OK with that. Him treating you badly around his friends (or allowing his friends to treat you badly) has nothing to do with you standing up for yourself, however. I, personally, would give him an ultimatum...either treat me with respect, or I'm out. Bottom line. *shrugs* It's worked for me...and I'm in a happy relationship! Good luck!
He sounds like an ass, especially if he was verbally abusive. You shouldn't take that lightly, and he shouldn't have a problem with you standing up for yourself, and if he does then he's bad news.
Yeah, this guy needs to check himself before he ends up single. I'm so psyched for you that you've found yourself and won't put up with abuse anymore! That makes you awesome. Me, I think this sounds like it calls for a Big Serious Talk - the kind where you go in telling him, "If this talk doesn't go well, we might break up during it." Let him know that you've changed and you're stronger now, and if he can't handle that then it's time to split up. I mean really, lay down the law for him; let him know that things have changed a LOT, and he's going to have to change a lot too if he wants to keep up with you. He needs to realize that it's not okay for his friends to treat you badly. Good luck, sweetie!
ultimatums blur the issue up for discussion. i dislike them. i've noticed that with a lot of men in my life. when they get mad it's a lotta yelling, hurling things and beating walls and occasionally people. but for a woman to get angry it means she's got pms or is just being a bitch. fuck that. i don't take it anymore, either. too many men grew up with a concept of aggreable women. even when their own mothers lost it, they weren't being angry women, they're were bitches. as if being angry turn you into an entirely different species or something. that's completely assinine and you need to explain it to him.
he knows your dads been verbaly abusive then he was himself and now allows his freinds to be? must not care so much about you as a person...after 2 years though hes used to..having you there. and taking for granted that he can be a jerk and you will yes complain and bitch and moan to stand up for yourself but youd still stay with some1 who wont stand up for himself let alone you
I think his problem is that he has never been exposed to a woman who sticks up for herself. his mom put up with crap from her first husband and her second at first. but they worked it out. I truly dont think he knows how to react to a woman who sticks up for herself. I dunno... I am definantly gonna have a talk with him. thank you so much for the answers, I'm glad I'm not just goin crazy here, I'm glad that not everyone see's this in such a negative way
That's a good point, soaringeagle, this guy's totally taking you for granted and not respecting the fact that you have done something fucking amazing for yourself! Finding your strength like that is awesome and a big deal, if he can't be happy about his girlfriend being strong, happy and owning herself then he's not worth it, babe
"How do I explain to him that I am not being a bitch, I've just been burned too long in my life to let anyone else disrespect me?" Show him the OP of this thread. Whether he talks about it or tries to calm you and let things blow over would be a clue about the future of your relationship.
i hate being told to calm down. "don't say that, don't do that, blah blah blah." just their way to get out of it.
Now that you have found yourself that is great do not become selfish because this guy may have problems and needs help. 1. He has to admit it and 2. You will want to ask yourself if you want to be part of that help. If you want to, try and look at his problems from his side of the fence he may have low selfesteem etc which he is trying to deal with inside of himself and now he realizes you have found yourself he is stuggling to keep up. He sees his gf getting her life together better and faster than he is and dealing with it by saying calm down don't make such a big deal about it etc, he is trying to slow you down so he can catch up, he needs to speed up not slow you down. The poor guy is not going to admit his inner problems to you hes the man, men are strong and tuff they can handle anything and have great egos, yeah right. You can help him grow or you can walk away your decision. Just my observation on your post.
"Bitch" is only as negative as you let it become. OP, in my personal opinion, you and your man need more than a serious discussion. It sounds to me that he has some issues that also need to be dealt with. I personally recommend finding a counselor or someone of that nature who is qualified to talk you and your boyfriend through both of your issues. He may have a lot of things going on internally, but if you don't bring them up, talk about them, and look at them, you will continue to have the same problems. Even if he doesn't want to go initially, continue to go yourself. It can't hurt, and if you make it clear that you are willing to work on your relationship even without his support, he may start to join you later on. Oh and congrats on becoming your own person. Don't take the phrase "bitch" personally-I've noticed men use it when they are describing a woman who won't do what they want.
Trust me, Ive been through something similar with every relationship I've been in. It's just men. If I express something I'm unhappy about, he asks me if I'm on my period. what, I can't just be angry about something for an actual reason? Men, really.
Good for you on finding yourself and being so strong! I was the same way (but it was the step dad, my mum still turns a blind eye to this day.) MY boyfriends have always had similar problems about me being a little too independant at times. But if his mates are getting nasty when drunk and he's not doing anything then you have every right to stand up for yourself. Explain why you are the way you are, and never compromise who you are. But I don't think I need to tell you that!
In a bad situation you need to think of what you can do unilaterally to improve things. It will not do much good to think of how much better things would be if only your boy friend would change. If he is abusive you should consider leaving him. On the other hand, it may be a good idea to think about the possibility that you are too abrasive to attract a more decent man. The best way to have a good friend is to be a good friend.
Hmmmm, I dont know you and how you act to your fella there but i guess my only caution would be to not let the pendulum swing to far the other direction. I'm all for a strong woman. And for whatever the term bitch means dont let "strong" and "bitch" get confused. I know many who believe that strong means you have to be a bitch. this is very untrue. I am a strong man and I'm rarely a dick. Hollywood is what i blame for a lot of this confusion. anytime Hollywood needs to portray a strong woman they automatically make her a bitch. WTF? My wife is a vey strong woman and opinionated she is never a bitch to me but is very effective at making her point anyways. Now if he's a dick to you then all bets are off but if he's a gentle man and treats you great a little reciprocity goes a long long ways.
