So, I might actually have the bad luck of dieing at the evil 27

Damn that sucks, van gogh. I really am beginning to hate doctors more and more... and more.... and more....

Yeah, the vision thing is good... and I really don't have many of the symptoms AT ALL of a brain tumor... funny that that is what I was inititally afraid of but now my fear has changed to something that seems more probable based on what is going on with me... the doctor today said he thinks there is a good chance that it is just damage to the nerve of the eye, not something neurological because the only other symptom I have is the pressure and headaches... but earlier he said that is defiantly a cause for concern... so i have no idea what i think....

I have no idea if the neurologist is traveling or not... they just told me that the only availible appt. next week is tues at 8 am.

 

Thanks Kayla.

Well, I PROMISE you guys if this gets any worse at all I will call a friend to take me (dan's at work pretty far away) or an ambulance if I think it's even more urgent. So yeah...any worse at ALL and I will go.

 

You know... I'm terrified of what I might end up finding out. At the eye doctor today I was SHAKING, my heart was POUNDING and sooo fast... and when they did that glaucoma test where they put air into your eye... I literally jumped off my seat every time... then when they were on the phone with the hospital neurologist making my appt. i was standing there tearing up... trying not to cry...and the second i walked out the door... i burst into tears... my mom called and i burst into tears again...

and that is all without knowing for sure there is anything very wrong...

i can only imagine how i would react to ("yeah you have an aneurysm... or a tumor... or whatever.... and you need surgery asap").... i think i would faint. probably die on the spot right then.

 

you'd better bitch, or I will kill you myself

 

I thought I was gonna be relieved when someone finally found out what was wrong with me ha

nah, really lucky, you find strength to deal with it, whatever it may be. I wish you the best, though.

 

Yeah, I will.

Hmm...well, when I was in the er (and then transferred to a regular room for three nights) I did kinda ask to leave... they said it was up to the doctor but the doctor said okay ... i wanted to leave because I was feeling better and it's not like they were doing tests on me... they just kept giving me oxygen and ativan and i was just like "cant i just take the ativan at home?"

I didnt have ANY head pain or pressure at all once I was in the hospital and I didnt know then (until i got home and looked it up) that one larger pupil could be so serious. I dont know why they didnt take it seriously then. It seriously disturbs me.

 

Too many people love you, Lucky. You will get through this no matter what. Several people that posted here know that fear of failing health... but they have all managed to handle their fears. You'll be ok. And you know that we're all here for you if you need someone to talk to.

We love you.

 

Thank you, Dustin.

You know- I kinda wonder if my headaches are more from fear then anything else... the reason I say this is that when the ativan kicks in, my head pain goes away. The area is still raised a bit but not nearly as much. Anyways that is what I'm hoping. I mean fear can do bad physical things to you, right?

Anyways I should know what is wrong with me on Tues. at the latest (or another referral...that would PISS ME OFF!!)... and i say "at the latest" cause if it does get any worse, i WILL go to an emergency room asap.

 

stressing about it will make it worse
when it comes to the eyes stress can do alot of damage

so here's the story of my eye thing that i briefly talked to you about
it's nothing like this, but i had to deal with alot of doctors, opthamologists and such

gr 9 gym class i got hit in the head with a basketball, hurt like fuck and broke my glasses but i was fine
then a week later i was walking home from school and my vision in my left eye went blurry, it wouldn't go away
when i was younger my optometrist misdiagnosed me with a degenerate retina so instead of sending me to a specialist for that the old fucking quack said lets "wait and see when it detaches"

you have no idea how angry i am at that man for fucking my entire life over with that

so i went to the er, had to take an ambulance, they rushed me in thinking it was that and then found out it wasn't

what ended up happening was i had a hereditary thing to do with my blood veins in my eye
this is kinda gross
but basically they formed too thin and all jumbled and shit
when i got hit in the head the blood vessels burst releasing blood into my eye, it formed scar tissue which attatched itself right in the middle of my eye
they did surgery to take most of it out..they knocked me out and now i have a small scar my my eye
*if they'd sent me to a specialist then i would have found this out sooner and they could have lazered my eye and prevented the whole thing*

from that moment forward my vision has never been the same
it's the reason i don't want to drive, i am so blind i'm scared of driving
even though legally i pass the vision test

i've had them laser my eye countless times, they lasered the other eye to prevent the same thing from happening

alot of the specialists i saw tried to accommodate me because i was so young to lose my eye sight
they are specialists, they are the best of the best and they aren't many of them
it takes time to see them
but it's worth it

my vision is shit right now, but it's a fuck load better than it was right after my accident

calm yourself, and know that there are people here that support you
you'll get through this

 

sorry you have to deal with all that stress, lucky. I often feel like I have a synapse or something about to snap.
good luck and try not to think about it more than you have to until tuesday. I'm sure you'll be fine.

 

Sorry you had to go through all that, Jessie. Doctors that are incompetant REALLY piss me off. Yeah, I am aware that stress will make it worse... I am trying hard to calm down. I think soon I'm going to get off this computer and watch a movie and eat something... my head seems to feel more pressure (its filling up again) when I stare at the computer for a while...

And thanks zen Ummmm yeah that is a lot what it feels like for me... waiting to burst.. fucking scary....

 

a

 

I hate to burst your bubble, but that's just not true. It would be nice if that was the case, but far too often it's not, especially if you don't have health care.

Anyway, the important thing is to try not to think too much about it. I know that's easy for me to say, but just wait until you know what's really going on. It might not be as serious as you think. It doesn't necessarily mean you have a brain tumor or an aneurysm. It could be any number of things.

What's alarming is that they haven't gotten to them bottom of this yet, which just goes to show you the state of health care in America.

 

I changed my mind on that later in the thread, and believe me i know, i watched my friend die of cancer because no one would treat him for 6 months due to no insurance

 

Okay.
Pixee- first of all, thank you for your long reply... its much apprieciatted... I do know that I am acting like a bit of a baby about it... but it is because I am scared and I am really scared of dieing... there is so much I want to be here for, so much I want to do, ... I don't want to leave my husband... so many dreams....
But I agree that I NEED to stop stressing and find ways to handle stress and calm myself down. Maybe I will meditate a bit at home today and get my mind on other things...
I will also keep the health journal...
I just wish I knew some GOOD ways of getting rid of fear and anxiety....


anyways im probably getting more harm than good now from staring at this screen so im gonna go watch a silly movie for real this time.

 

Lucky, I thought you were diagnosed with a stroke already when you were in the hospital? What happened with that diagnosis? Is your hsuabnd being helpful at all... with the DR's?

 

:hug: A journal will help that way you can vent all of your fears and frustrations out onto paper. Get well Lucky! Oh and don't worry.....only the good die young....and you are a bad....bad girl.

 

No... I THOUGHT I had a stroke when I went to the hospital and honestly i still think i did....


yeah maybe ill start keeping a journal... and haha angela... that makes me feel a bit better.

 

Lucky sorry to hear that you are going through so much right now. I am hear no matter what. We all love you and care about you very much. I yo need to talk call me day or night I am always here for you.