I dunno whats going on lately. Im so sorry this is so long - but I need to get it out there, and out of my head. Im a 32 year old virgin. I started posting here ages ago, because I met this guy on a chatline and he gave me confidence, and awakened the idea that sex wasn't something I wasn't worthy of, even though it was simply phone sex. We've talked most nights since then - albeit with a few months break, when we didn't talk at all. That came about when he scared me once, he was drunk, and really ripped into me about not telling him I was going to be away from home. Then the other time when we had a fight because he now talks of other girls when we have phone sex, or of having sex with my friends (I have been an open book with him, and he knows all their names), or the one time I felt physically violated when he described a younger thinner girl coming into the room, after he tied me up, and then she shaved me (I have non-treatable excess body hair - its just a part of me and he knew I can't remove it, and actually don't care about my hair being there...or thought I didn't), and he didn't stop when I said no, then he described her bringing me off - he was so into it - I might as well have not been there so I hung up, and sobbed and sobbed all night through. He does mean the world to me. Its been now over 3 years of chat, and I know absoutely nothing of him....not even his name. My friends nicknamed him for me - we call him CG for short. And that is how he is know whenever I talk of him. I know it's just a chatline - but he made me a woman. He made me realise a very special part of me. I only have to hear his voice and I am smiling and excited and my tummy tingles...but I don't love him - lust - yes...love? - he still hurts me so bad everytime he talks about other girls. He knows it and doesn't stop. I now enjoy his company but try to keep my head level....and started thinking about other guys, and doing something pro-active to meet someone. Then a guy at work came into my life - again never met, only on phone and email contact. We got very close, and I again posted here for opinions. I was blinded by the attention. You guys correctly spotted he was after just one thing. He never got it - he never showed up for my very first ever date. I hated him, cried lots, got angry, and when he vanished from life one day, then texted again months later - I felt excited, but it was a memory of what I wished he'd been, not of what he was. An email a few months later confirmed it. I am over him - and I can't tell you all just how grateful I am for you guys saying I should go careful. That would have been such a regret for me. Met another guy - another internet guy - then met in real life (my first ever date, at the age of 31! - only turned out not to be a date! lol! )- he told my best friend, after I boarded the coach home, he didn't find me physically, mentally, or sexually attractive, and he wasn't surprised I wasn't wanted. He didn't tell me that, but simply slowly cut contact...I hoped he would talk to me about why, and let me cry my hurt pride out. He didn't do it, but chose to go slowly cold instead. I was gutted at the time - more hurt pride though. Sitting in a Starbucks listening to him, I suddenly thought "am I supposed to feel something? I feel nothing...totally nothing" Lol. Didn't even get a first kiss!.....kinda glad about that now though. I know I fell for his voice. We had phone sex for hours. He 'programmed' me one night while we meditated together, to cum just by saying one word. It was instant, and so powerful, I'd catch myself crying out everytime. He could make me see stars. I saw a hypnotist, with a friend for safety and got myself 'de-programmed'. I loved the command he had over me. It was liberating, even if at the time, it was all over the phone. We are just friends now, and talk once a month to catch up. Its cool. So here I am....lots has changed, but nothing has changed. CG has given me so much, and taken so much from me. I got self confidence, inner acceptance and I do genuinely love myself - I am awesome, let's face it! lol! I now tell people I have O.C.D. - its not easy to admit - but its a part of me, and I battle it everyday. I no longer fight to hide it, and that in itself has helped. And I am not ashamed of my body - which is fat and wobbly, and naturally (if thickly) hairy in places that society says is not acceptable. I am just a big girl - I'm me - so what. The problem lies in not being able to establish 'real' life relationships with guys...the OCD is a big hurdle as I have the contamination/hand washing/cleaning one that started after a major car crash. The other problem is I exude the 'shoulder to lean on' vibe - don't know how to change that. And I make male friends easily. I am the maternal type. A lot of male mates started out as 'potential dates' and after a few minutes I do my magic and hey presto - friends. I think I need outside help to see why, but oh well.... Anyway - the main point of this post - the part that really unsettles me: I am mentally sexually awake.........much too awake! My longest session alone was 16 hours straight and 41 times cumming...GOD! LADIES - DO NOT TRY THAT ONE! PAIIIINNN !!!!! I'm so horny about 98% of the time - even at work, I am have been literally breathless. So I masturbate lots. That was fine until about 8 months ago. I began to get tired - relaxed tired - as soon as I started touching myself. Now it has got to the point that I often fall asleep before finishing, resulting in frustration and bad moods the next day, and if I do get there, WAM! Within split seconds I'm asleep! Don't even have time to remove my hand on occassions. I AM A WOMAN! This is a trait usually for men !?! Have any of you experienced this before ??? any ideas why ??? And how can I get back to normal ??? Also - fantasies....omg! 3 weeks ago - all changed! I don't know what the hell is going on with me....or who to tell, so I'm posting here. Fantasy 1) Me lying on my back, head off the edge of the bed, my hands on his thighs, being fucked in the mouth by a man who is reassuring, and gentle, and kind, while he gently has his hand over my throat feeling his cock slide in and out my throat, until he thrusts forward firmly and cums hard, then after a few seconds he scoops me up and holds me until he falls asleep. 2) I am a dog. An ordinary dog...and I see me as a real dog. There is NO sex in this one so it has me completely thrown. All I do is follow, and do as I'm told, by a man. walk, sit, heel, come. "good girl" and a hand occassionally patting me, or stroking down my back, just like you would a real dog. I only communicate in 'woofs' and wagging tail....thats it. I'm sitting here panting now just typing it! I mean WTF!!!!!!! There is no sex in it! Why ??? Why is this such a hot thing for me!???! Arrrgghhh !!!!! The first fantasy - I had NEVER even heard of doing...now I've surfed the net, and found pics of just that - I was like OMG! Couldn't do it in real anyway cos I have a major whiplash injury and that kind of thing would be of great agony - but its hot, and my god I wanna do it - but well.....the dog thing ? That blows my mind! Ok - so rant over. Posts will no doubt be placed, saying I need real sex - yes agreed I SOOO do, but there are no guys on the horizon, and I don't wanna be a fuck buddy or a one night stand - would like the relationship thing first....and I am working on it - well, I would if any guy would be interested, but I just seem to do something wrong when I meet in real life. I just am so worried about the why am I so tired when I masturbate, and the whole change in fantasies.....especially the dog thing. Opinions please... thanks!
Thats alot to handle, let me just say that there is someone for everyone, you are still very young, keep looking, but try real people, phone sex is just that no real satisfaction, cyber sex even worse, at best all you can do is rub one off and go to bed, no real contact in it. Go out and look for a real man, he is out there waiting on you. Good luck to you. Peace
