Hi, I really don't know at this point if I am straight/BI/Bi Curious/Gay or just very, very confused. I'm 27 and i've never been in a relationship. I was very shy as a teenager and suffered from very low self esteem. I really don't know the reason why but I find it very hard to trust men, I just can't believe it if someone says they find me attractive. I have fancied men in the past and have started pushing myself to trust someone although the last time I did it turned out he was just feeding off the attention and never liked me at all. Then there is the added complication of finding women attractive, first with a teacher and now with a person I work with. They are always older and unobtainable. Its like a self preservation thing. I just don't know why I do it. I had an argument with my so called best friend last night with her saying I always fancy people who are unobtainable and much older than me and is it a fetish thing and when am I going to try and have a relationship with someone who is realistic. These women probably see me as their little project and I am just trying to gain their approval. All this has really hurt my feelings and I feel she has trampled over my insecurities. I don't what ever she might think do it on purpose, I do it without realising and for what reason I do not know, but I am not happy and sometimes very, very alone.
This may be out of a forum board realm. Maybe you should avail yourself of some professional counseling. It is not the usual am I gay/st8/bi type question but more one of not being able to form a relationship. Do you think it is necessary to have that kind of relationship? Are you happy by yourself? The answer to those two questions may determine if you need help or not. Lots of people go thru life as bachelors. However they likely have some kind of relationships with others. BTW, in my early 20s I was really into older women. One, a Major in the Air Force was strictly unattainable - I was enlisted. However, in civy life I actually connected with a couple of women 20 years older than me - even married. So, the older woman may not be unattainable. You don't need to trust men. Men are dogs, just enjoy them. Seriously, you have to define what you want in a relationship, if you want a relationship. Men are usually very accessible for non-comittal sex so you should be able to connect to see if you enjoy male sex. There are also men out there who want long-term relationships if you are open to that. Again, it comes back to defining exactly what you want. Disclaimer: Shale is not a couselor, but he plays one on the WWW.
Listen to yourself, not to your friends. Friends, especially girls, love nothing more than a "project" and you have to just let them have their fun and not do whatever they say. Just do what feels right to you. If you don't even want a relationship, just tell them that and make them stop. If there IS somebody that you like, you have to tell them.....and it's okay to use email to do this if you're too scared to do it in person (i know email works best for me!). i saw a good internet bumpersticker the other day..."next time...just press send!" if you don't do it, you'll always be wondering what would have happened if you had.
Thanks for the replies. I have actually been to a "therapist" who said I was just very self sufficent, although I am not sure how good a therapist she was if I am honest. Most of the time I'm fine, I don't want a relationship, have no desire to be in one. Other times I can be very lonely and feel very unloved. I feel I can't help being attracted to older woman, I am attracted to older men as well. The older women are alays married and therefore totally unobtainable. I know this is a destructive habit and I don't intentionally look for an older married woman to fancy it does just happen. However I don't appreciate being treated like an idiot by a good friend, my actions dont make a bad person. Misguided maybe but not bad. If I do try and seek approval from someone I fancy then that's obviously an insecurity which I must work on in my own time. I am so angry with my "friend", I can't believe she would treat me with such distain. Is it so bad to find someone unobtainable attractive, if you know (which I do) that nothing will ever happen...
Possibly you subcounciously tend to gravitate to unobtainable people because you DO know they're unobtainable.Maybe because a relationship is frightening or you really don't want a relationship anyways.You maybe getting pressure to have a relationship by friends and family and you may not be ready for one yet,but you feel you must get the pressure off your back.Sounds like your "friend" was giving you some pressure about this. Seeing a therapist is a good idea,it's good you've done that.A therapist can only do so much,getting past these obsticles is up to you and how hard you'll work on it. If this friend of yours is a good friend maybe she just got frustrated with you and lost her composure.She also maybe frustrated because she does'nt know how to help you.Sounds like you were really upset by what she said so I'm assuming she was a good friend. Try to take your time working this all out for yourself.You don't need to panic,take it slow and relax.People go through all sorts of problems.You can handle this.You will be ok. You may want to look at (or post) in the mental health forums,there are some very wise people there who might shed more light on your situation. Best of Luck, Joy and Peace, Joe,..
Thanks Joey! I do get pressure from my folks, not directly as such but if I am going to meet a friend they will joke about me meeting a man and whilst I know its a joke it highlights the fact that it is never a man I am meeting up with. Also I feel odd for not having had a reltionship but at the same time wouldn't say I was desperate for a relationship either. I did not apprecuiate the way my friend spoke to me, she is my best friend and I think there is a line you don't cross and she crossed it. Its not thefirst time she has treated me badly and its all adding up a bit now. Anyway thank you all for your replies.
Hey Moo,. Yea family (well intentioned as they may want to be) have a way of putting alot of pressure on someone and causing negative feelings for them.My family has done alot of this and it never helped me,of course I need to find my own way regardless of their meddling.It just gives me more crap to deal with. Society also gives the message basically if you're not in a relationship then you should be.Sometimes being without has its charms too.Better that than being in a bad relationship that's unhealthy for you,the voice of society does'nt always agree,but what do they know.Not being desperate for a relationship I'd say is a sign of health.Being able to be self-sufficient and stand on your own is fantastic.Some people cannot bear not to have a relationship and will get into bad situations just so they're not alone. You may want to try to set some ground rules with your friend or she may just keep walking all over you.Sounds like she does'nt know where the boundaries are and they may need to be clarrified for her.If she still keeps treating you nasty then maybe it's time to meet new friends(I know that's easier said than done)but still for your own sanity. Hugs,. Joey,..
Yea you know? Moo you've got to stand up for yourself. If you don't she'll think it's ok to treat you like that. She'll just keep doing it.You've got to talk to her. Be nice don't get crazy but tell her how you feel. If she's a good friend she'll understand. If not I dunno,but we all need to hang around positive people. Who support us and encourage us and so on.It's very important. Think about the people you choose to be friends with. It can make a big difference. Sexuality is a sensitive subject with everyone. being put down around you're sexuality will really hurt. Talk to her and let us know what happens. Try to hang in there! You'll be ok Joey*
