Last friday I had a kickback at my house to make the story short, which it will be since I feel the worst I've ever felt in my life right now, I took 3 pills of e 2 swallowed 1-2 chewed They were double stacked and yellow, idk what type I also drank a tiny bit and smoked some weed That night I felt straight up drugged, not euphoric, but slow and just fucked up An hour after the e first hit me I had the scariest moment of my life I was walking around in my backyard, people playing beerpong and swimming around me when all of a sudden I felt this paranoia creep up on me Everything seriously changed colors to dim red (and I wouldn't lie about that) and I felt all the worst feelings at once hunger exaustion feeling poisoned Each person scared the shit out of me to the point that I almost broke down crying I basically cringed into a ball for 20 seconds afraid to death of everyone there and depressed beyond belief, whining in pain of depression It wasn't just a basic panic attack from weed I SERIOUSLY FELT LIKE I HAD NO SEROTONIN IN MY BODY It was hell, at the point where I was about to tell someone to just kill me Again; this only lasted about 20 seconds Right after, I got back up and it went away over another 10 seconds, as if I just got a rush of serotonin back But the weird thing is, it was right in the middle of the ecstasy trip itself Couldn't be a comedown, i have no fucking idea why I felt so bad That whole night was insane It was a kickback, turned into a party and I lost track of everything, could not make sense of anything and for such a shitty comedown it wasn't even fun The next day on saturday I just felt really dumb and lazy I got up early and still with no appetite, cleaned up the backyard and shit We went to go get donuts, I just sat there saying 'oh theres no depression, I just feel lazy and pointless and really dumb' Saturday all I did was drink beer a little Sunday I was drained still but no depression, just no fun Monday; same Tuesday; I wake up drained and when I get home from school I go smoke with my friend I get high and am paranoid and come home and fucking cry right there in front of my mom I was so tired of lying I just told her I smoked (didn't tell her about the e) I brokedown so bad I just wanted to die Today at school I felt extremely bad I was on the verge of breaking down crying for at least 5 hours I couldn't say high to anyone, couldnt do anything I just reviewed everything I hated about myself and everything that I fucked up on and can't go back Everything I felt a tiny bit better today, at least better than about-to-cry It feels like a chunk of my brain is missing, I am ......Rather than make a new thread about this later, Im going to merge this e depression with my life For the last 2-3 years I have felt a disconnection between my parents and I am on and off blaming my depression and my brother's similar situation on it My parents still support the house great and feed us, everything, but there isn't much of a family bond, its like each parent separately loves me and happens to live under the same roof My brother went from great grades, very sharp to a complete mess over his highschool years He stopped many activities he used to do, stopped being active and started smoking pot He experimented much like me and ended up in a bout of his own depression he isolated himself in his room most all day and smoked weed, always expanding his view of the world, his ideas of conspiracy and crazy theories on how the world works I feel like I'm running down the same path as him with mild depression and experimenting with harder drugs as a start My grades are dropping just like his were and like him I am making excuses for why this is ok (which I am aware of) the fact that my brother started out like me, a little more depressed/lazy/secluded than eventually got to the point of temporarily insane; thinking people were trying to kill him is what is scaring me (staying up for days with a knife in his hand thinking each phone call was a deceptive trick and guarding the house, almost always catching me and my parents or sister doing a daily task thinking we were plotting against him) I can see his childhood problems and life choices leading to where he is now, living with him my whole life I see everything and how I could/am ending up like that thoughts? please reply I am at a very hard point in my life
Everythings going to be ok man. My suggestion to you is, even if you're experimenting with harder drugs.. which I'm starting to, also, and i'm going to definitely cut down on. But you should seriously stick to natural things, like shrooms for the harder side, and pot for, well you know. But keep your head up and think positively, it almost sounds like you and your family has almost a hereditary genetic disorder. But you should definitely stay away from E, even if you wanna get fucked up and experiment, whatever your motives are, just stay away from it. Peace
thanks man I feel better, at least the e depression is over, still have some depression basically about what I said above, but just life direction and other shit Omfg that was the worst of my life Ya fuck that shit It ends up I was so depressed and drained that I told my mom I was high (when I was) and now I'm getting tested every 2 weeks starting in a week its a weird situation because my dad has smoked with me and as long as my grades are good (which they kinda aren't) I can smoke So im just going to stay sober probably till summer and see what happens after that ahh fuck I hope this is a stage and will end I was completely fine in 8th grade I was very active and deep in my own world, felt there were no limits to life, I never even thought about it much In 9thgrade was when all this started I quit skateboarding I lost my myspace account password and haven't made a new one since then I quit personal interest in guitar (i HAVE to be interested since I'm in a band) I stopped playing videogames almost completely Sometimes I think that the only reason I have so many songs on my ipod is just so if someone sees it they might think I was so full of life If I am listening to music, I can't really enjoy it now I just skip song to song finding a song that in my head, I feel portrays the mood I am in or want to be in... Or if I have to get myself active with things to end it I just dont know
Your not 22 are you man? I'm a sophomore in high school, you sound like you would be my age. If you wanna chill and talk on AIM or something my screen names ukc. I can relate to some of that stuff you just said
that sounds like a drug induced underlying depression. I did E pretty heavily for 1-2 years, and it took me a good year to get back to feeling normal and happy, but it DOES come back, I went from being a complete wreck to having my shit together and feeling happy with no outside help or drugs, it was all me My best advice for you, do positive things for yourself, avoid doing drugs all together if you can, except maybe for weed. Don't let yourself get into a cycle of making things worse. E especially left me with an underlying feeling of numbness/depression, I just didn't have any interest in anytihng anymore.
I see this post is old, but if you're still around, this fits the clinical description of depression to a T. Loss of interest in favorite activities, numbness, feeling "drained", and a family history of paranoia/depression suggests to me that you could have clinical depression. It can hit at any age and be set into motion by a life event, series of events or nothing (obvious) at all...just genetics. Talk therapy, be it cognitive-behavioral or psychotherapy or just counseling, can have physical changes on the brain, as can medication. Most recommend a combination of both, but some only need one or the other. Natural supplements like 5-HTP, sunlight, exercise and a nutritious diet work for some, but for those of us with a genetic predisposition, that's not always enough. Stop it with the mood-altering substances and talk to someone--a professional. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of and won't go away on its own: it's a physiologically-measurable disease (changes in the brain, genetic links, etc.) just like heart disease or cancer. If it's just a bad patch in your life or something brought on by drugs, it might go away or improve, but true depression is a disease that needs treatment. Good luck to you and anyone else suffering from mental disorders.
good post codone. I fully agree; the absolute first things I would look at with a case of depression is not the extent of drug use but rather the exercise and diet habits. people often look at the presence of societal "don'ts" as a cause for unrest, when often it's the absence of the "do's". I think if a person is physically healthy, they are more likely to be mentally healthy. I don't know how it is with chugtonio, but he did mention beer and donuts. these things may appear trivial, but they play such a big part. if healthful habits are garnished now and again with unhealthy additives, it could be fine, but it could also have more influence than we think. this is all just my conjecture, so i'll leave it there.
Agreed! Peeps usually don't realize just how big a role malnutrition, food allergies and sensitivities, and blood sugar issues can play in everything from depression to schizophrenia. Junk food is seen as relatively harmless, with cumulative effects over years and years, but the effects can be immediate and severe. Obviously I don't know this person's life habits and am NOT a psychiatrist or nutritionist, but yeah...
old thread... but you linked me to this chugtino from my other one and I feel like I have something good to say... so if you read about my ecstacy romp over in my thread http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=304354&page=2, something that really helped me afterwards was associating feeling bad with lack of exercise going for a run will instantly take your mind off any bullshit your brain is stuck on and will leave you feeling better.... You know far better to get sweaty jogging than sitting in your room festering in worry plus running might actually wake you up and give you more energy afterwards if your feeling too tired and lazy Also a quality multivitamin and quality ginseng did wonders for me. Quality ginseng is kinda hard to find, but if you do ever come across some freshly powdered stuff give it a go. Herb shops, herbal medicine places, or holistic places or import stores would probably have it. The average grocery store pressed ginseng pills don't really do much...
