Homosexuality/Society/family/scared of coming out/ Stay or move on ? I need help...

Hi,



I have been going out for a year and a half with my girlfriend. We are both 30, foreigner, living in Barcelona in Spain. She's Russian and I am French. For both of us it was a kind of "love at the first sight" with the feeling that we've known each other before we met. Everything was perfect until we came to reality, until the moment we had to start to talk about serious matters, about a real future together, about a family, about having children and being an homosexual couple etc...

She was the first one to come up with the idea of a future together until the day we went to Russia together and had to face reality and her mum's eyes and realised she couldn't tell her anything about it...She could'nt.So we started to fight and having serious discussions...



For me it's my first serious relationship with someone. I discovered my homosexuality (or bisexulaity ? but now I have it clear I want to share my life with a woman) only three years ago but never had real problem to accept myself and to come out. It was love that I felt and I was able to tell the whole world about it if I had to !!!!

Si I have told my parents about it. My mum is not super happy with the news but she's in the process of acceptation. Anyway, wether people like it or not that's what it is and it's My life !



On the other hand, my girlfriend, (who had been married for more than 6 years with a guy and has got divorced when she realised (along with tremendous sufferings) she was in love with a girl and could no longer stand any sexual relationship with him) has never been able to tell her family (I mean at least her mum since her dad passt away two years ago) about her homosexuality. (Well, at least, she has told it to her dear friends and some colleagues of her at work)



The problem, for me is that she doesn't show any intention of doing so as it could "hurt her mum double" since her sister is also a lesbian and has told her family about it. Her mum doesn't want to hear anything about it and thinks it's a "real shame to have given birth to a girl like this"...



So I am just lost right now. I don't know what to do. I feel especially down since she told me her brother is going to spend three months in Barcelona and stay at her home. She doesn't want him to know anything about it. (well they havn't seen each other for several years and have never really got on well) So to his eyes, we are supposed to be just friends. I am extremely tired of having to hide myself at the age of 30. It makes me feel stressed and not valued at all. She said she loves me and if she had to lose me she would suffer a lot and if we had to break up she will problably regret it, but she doesn't want to really speak about a future with me. (All the more as she told me that kids- and she really want to have some- need their dad's model to grow up in the best conditions) She just says she doesn't exclude me of her future but do not show me any willingness either. She can just tell joke with an ironic tone such as : don't worry our kids won'be like this or like that...



So now girls, I would like to know if you have already lived a situation like this, to what conclusion you came and what happened. Did you break up or did you wait patiently until she felt ready to face reality and accept things how they are...Don't you think she should first solve her internal dilemna on her own before ? What do you think ?



Thanks a million for your support.



Caroline

 

OK, you asked for girls input. I ain't even close to being a girl but it sounds like your girl has serious "issues" with her sexuality/family situation.

I'm a tell-it-like-it-is kinda guy.

It is your life and you have to eventually let your family deal with who you are. Any problem with that is THEIR problem and not really your responsibility. That was directed at your girlfriend BTW.

As for you, it is probably time to let your G/F know that she has to tell her family the obvious. It actually is likely doing damage to her by keeping it secret.

Funny about the brother coming to visit. When Jim and I were first a couple my stepbrother showed up unannounced. He slept on the couch in our one-room pad while Jim and I slept on the bed. I had never officially come out to the family - so now it was out. I just told stepbrother that Jim and I were obviously more than roommates. Don't know if he relayed anything to the rest of the family - and don't care because I have learned to be what I am and let others deal with it.

So sorry I can't give you any sisterly advice, but as an older brother, that is my take on the matter.

 

Thank you so much for your support bother ! Well it is also always what I thought but I dont know how to make her understand. But if she is not clear I don't see any reason to go on with this relationship. Should I put an ultimatum? Should I tell her there's no use to being together if once she treats me like a lover and once a simple friend in front of some people's eyes ? Should I tell her to call me back only when she has it clear with herself and is ready to live an open relationship? If she really loves me she could really think about it, couldn't she ? Or is it to harsh and could take the risk to loose her that way?

Thanks again for your advice.

Take care,

Caroline