This is my first public post. Some comments would be excelent Woman looking at her reflection in the water She sees a bizzare outline Colors and lights shine, dilluting her world Transe inducting smoke fills the air A small cottage on the edge of the universe Hermit lives inside, creating the smoke His perceptions becoming more focused, real He sees things as they really are. Beautiful An ancient temple beside an enchanted lake The virgin godess protects its secret Pools of holy liquids pour down from its great falls Silvery bright light blinds all not strong enough Inside, the high priest performes the sacred ritual The walls and pillars disapear, Leaving him alone. Naked He stares into the eyes of his gods The day had come, the ancient recipie worked Only once had this happened before Thousands of years ago Time lost. Secrets forgoten Jugment, anger, love, induction Lost in the willderness of his own thoughts He lies on the altar Closes his eyes And dwelces into a surreal world of perception and knowledge The music of the mushroom forrest Tiny copies of deer prancing at his feet Thrilled at this, he moves on There is more to see. An endless plain in front of him Distortion of sight, colors, porportion He reaches out to grab the answer It slips, falls intonthe miniscule vortex of space Pain and torrment, horrors, gone. Into enlightenment he dwells Can it happen? He looks into the sky Everlasting mysteries revealed The eyes of the virgin godess stare down In fear, he moves on A cottage seen in the distance A hallow figure of a man emerges Hair to his back, beard almost as long Old and wrinkly he smiles and notions Into the collage the venture Insade, a grand palace is revealed Marble pillars and golden statues Diamond glasses and blood red wine A trap. The walls breathe and groan Contractions make the priest uneasy Snakes appear from nowhere Cornered he screams. Nowhere to go The virgin appears. Serpants shriek in agony Her skin, white as snow, glows with a silvery light Her outstreched hand is grasped by the priest A flash. They enter a vortex of the dimensions Where there are no limmits, no perimiters Awakened, the priest sits up. It is over. He walkes out the the lake A woman looks up from her outline of a reflection He turnes back to the temple to find nothing but a small cottage. Its long but i would greatly appreciate it if some of you read it and give me some criticism. Thanks a lot
Good poetry, but please buy a dictionary. That's "goddess", not "godess", "inside", not "insade", "serpent", not "serpant", "wilderness", not "willderness", "bizarre", not "bizzare", "diluting", not "dilluting", "disappear", not "disapear", "forgotten", not " forgoten", "hollow" not "hallow", and so forth. Since "goddess" is an explicitly feminine noun you should refer to this word later in the same sentence as "her", not "it". Also the whole piece should be in Writers Forum/Poetry, not Writers Forum/Writers Group Messages.
Ah, I see you've met our resident literary guru, Suib. What he lacks in talent he certainly makes up for in his petty condescension. You probably should fix the spelling, though
Zorba, I guess you know all there is to know about "a cock in your mouth", to quote your signature material. Leave the literary stuff to me. Few writers will ever be considered seriously if they're too lazy to get their spelling right. -- a condescending, self-styled guru, lacking in talent
You really don't understand the whole sig quote thing, do you? I've tried to explain it to you already... I would leave the literary stuff to you, if you were capable of actually criticizing rather than just talking down to people whose work is better than your own. Anyway, I did tell him to fix his mechanics.
I'm going to say this once, and I'm going to say it very slowly so that even you can understand it. If you don't want people repeating signature quotes back to you, don't put them in your signature. As for whose work is better than whose, I'm going to stay up sleepless all night tonight worrying about your opinion. Meanwhile I'm still waiting to see your work. I could wait a long time.
At this point I really have no interest in posting my work here, because a) most organizations won't publish something that's already been published online, and b) because I know what kind of feedback I can expect from you. There are other forums I can post it on if I want decent criticism, and I do. The criticism on these boards is kind of a joke, so I try to lend a hand where I can. Admittedly, though, I don't get around to providing in-depth analysis very often. And I'm going to explain to you one last time about the sig quotes. I won't introduce it as if I'm speaking, because I know you can always read over it slowly if you don't get it the first time -- that all depends on how fast you tend to read. The quotes in my signature are quotes that I find funny for one reason or another. They do not represent me in any way, except maybe saying something about my sense of humour. You're really reaching when you try to use them to insult me personally, especially considering neither of them makes any reference to the person writing the quote, whether you read that (incorrectly) as being me, or as being the original poster of the quote. Hopefully that's clear enough for you. Calling me gay was a very original move, though.
