Our moon soaked eyes light on the garden, Though it’s pardoned by the ill-will of society. Insanity, they say, Will spend its days In a dream-clogged haze. (Yet see how they praise it so) Below, muffled and soaked by the grazing rain, Daintily bludgeoning on, not wizened, We leap farther into the horizon, Blazing paths fairer in the strain. (Yet see how they still complain) We lay taken, waken in our sleep By some deadening, remorseful sweep. Even the moon is but a shadow on the lawn Once green and restless, now stark and drawn. For the night bears its stars, And the hearts bear its bars. We seek, we sought, the thing uncaught The cat upon the table, The man upon the moon, The rose upon the stable, Labeled high and true We wonder, still, is it not due? (Yet see how they 'tempt to re-construe) Did it pass us in our wistful sleep, Twinged and twined through deadened deep? By the morgue, the coffin, and the concrete will, (See how they lie, their whispers shrill) To lay in the dust, no parting word But our parting ears, (Were the parting heard) Are strained to hear a sobbing cry, And are desolate in their hopeful tries. We lay half awakened, half asleep, Half deplored, and half in keep, Leave us here, in common heap. (And then you'll see, we'll finally reap) So good night, good bye Good night, good bye Good night, good- See how the world has tumbled down, Cracked its crown, With a silent sound, And now -- lays eerilymute[/font]
wow...amazing rhythm. it was a lot of fun to read out loud. i like the way you use the repetition of the parenthsis and the "good night, good bye," i also like the break between the stanzas, it winds down this poem well and leaves me with an almost exhausted feeling...i ilke it. can i suggest that you use spell check, though, a good poem deserves to be spelled right.
sorry lol. i usually do.. i went back and edited. but thank you! im glad you like it! is there anything else?
The rhyming scheme was good, but I recall a tool (enjambment) some poets use to reduce how a rhyme scheme can overpower a poem, especially visually. You don't need to use it throughout but it does lift a good rhyming poem. You already used that tool in these lines: (we sought, the thing uncaught) but i thought you could use that tool a little more in this poem. Basically, just rolling the rhyming so that it doesn't fall at the end of the sentence... Here is an example where I added enjambment on three additional places in your very nice poem. Maybe you will like it, or not - just something out of the poet's toolbox that I thought would work here and thought I would mention it... As you can see, I only used it a little and not in all cases. Keep writing, very nice. Daintily bludgeoning on, not wizened, we leap farther into the horizon, blazing paths fairer in the strain. (Yet see how they still complain) We lay taken, wakened in our sleep, by some deadening, remorseful sweep. Even the moon is but a shadow on the lawn Once green and restless, now stark and drawn. For the night bears its stars, and the heart bears its bars. We seek, we sought, the thing uncaught
