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when u say 8th grade, what age is that though, as i am from the uk, when u said obbseess, what did u obsses about over it, and how did you come to terms with knowing u were gay after that then

 

In 8th grade i would have been 12 going on 13, that would have been when i noticed it. Around 12 - 14 would have been when i obsessed over it.

I can't really clearly recall on what i was thinking about now, it seems somewhat a blur, i'm focusing more on my future rather than my past. However i do remember how annoyingly difficult it felt and how distraught i felt and how distressing it was. Not to mention how scared i was too with the foreign.

I think my obsessive thinking started over the initial noticing of it, i would be questioning myself 'why are you looking at guys and not girls' things like that. I did try controlling the urges, by restricting myself from the sight of men and trying to look at women in the same way, but that failed. Basically i started thinking about multiple ways of how to fix myself, but all methods led no where. That lasted for a long period of time. I began to hate myself and feel disgusted that i was having these feelings which fed to the reasonings of me trying to fix myself. It seems kind of brief talking about it like that, but the thoughts were in my mind almost 24/7 and i started living in a world of my own.

As for coming to terms with my sexuality, that too is hard to describe. There wasnt a certain moment where i just immediately accepted myself for who i am. It happened gradually. I think it may have started when i was noticing i was getting no where with my methods trying to fix myself, so i slowly started to give up on pursuing the methods. As i gave up trying to fight with myself i started to look at it from the other side, like questioning myself 'why should i be fixing myself?' and 'whats wrong with liking boys?' which i had no answer to either. After a while i noticed i stopped feeling ashamed of masturbating over gay porn etc, and i started to let myself look at guys without thinking too much of it. Pretty much soon i found myself in a situation where i was enjoying my feelings and thoughts, and cared less about fitting into the 'social norm'. Back then i dont actually remember classing myself as gay, i suppose i accepted with the general feelings before i labelled myself as a gay.

Furthermore, at the moment, cause im still in my final year of school, i'm putting off to coming out to friends and other family members. So im in a situation where my environment is trapping me that i desperately want to get out from. As a result, pretty much every hour i'm having a good long think about my future until i finally am out and have the freedom to be myself in public without being paranoid over someone finding out. Plus i attend a LGBTQQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender/Transexual, Queer and Questioning) youth group here for the last few months, and i go there about once or twice a week. This is probably my major highlight for me each week and pretty much my only social outings that i always look forward to. I constantly think about going there even though i cant (only open for my category 2 days a week). I think about the people who also go there and things that's happened at the centre on other days. I've noticed me thinking about it a lot, and it kind of feels unhealthy with how much i do, but it's a totally different obsession compared to my previous one.

Hope that covered what you were asking for.

 

well ur on=bssesion its ounds like mine, i have seemd to have accepted these feelings and started to enjoy looking at men, but my ex still seems to think i need to go see a dcotor, as i use to talk 245/7 about it to here

 

Thats your call whether or not you believe you should seek help or not. In my case after a few weeks or maybe even a month or so after accepting it, i did stop thinking about it constantly. But having said that, i still did think about it a fair amount, just a lot less and not affecting my life as much. Until a long time after i got to the point where i was ready to let a selective few people know, and found myself waiting for the right moment. That stretched out too long and become a constant thought. But thats another story.

 

so what thoguths were u having, what did u notice when u thought u were gay, sorry if i have asked u this but, did u say u had being with a woman

 

I've never been with a girl. But back in primary school i thought i had a crush on a girl, and payed more attention to her etc. but i realise now that i only acted like that because someone told me she had a crush on me. Other than that, i've never been with a girl. But on the same note, i've never been with another guy either. But i see myself in the future dating other guys and spending my life with another man.

What thoughts were i having? i'm not sure if you meant before i accepted i was gay or before i was ready to come out.



So i guess I'll answer both and I'll try to make it brief;

Before i accepted i was gay, it were things like: "Why are you looking at guys"
"Why do i feel like i want and need the company of another man"
"Why can't i picture myself being with a woman in the future"
"Why does it appeal to me to live my life with another man"
"Why am i not like everyone else"
"How can i fix these feelings" etc.

After i accepted i was gay, it were things like:
"Yay, liking guys is ok"
"Why did i ever have a problem"
"Haha i have a secret"
"Man, i feel so trapped not being able to share this"
"When can i start telling people?"
"Who should i tell"
"How can i hide this"
and basically fantasising over men too.

ps: both are sumarised lists, there was no doubt that there's probably a lot more thoughts i had at that time, i just don't remember them now.
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'And what did i notice when i thought i was gay?', you ask. Well, it slowly kicked in i wasn't like every other guy around me. The way guys talked about women didn't interest me. I found women somewhat sexually repulsive opposed to men that i found arousing. And that my tendancies towards men felt more and more of the description i've heard of gays at that time.

 

well i feel that now, tha when men are talking about women, i aint so bothered, i imagine myself talking to another man, about him being hot, and there is somethi9ng there, i almost know i like men, i mean i see a goodlokking guy, and i get all funny inside, wheeras women now its like nothing, but before i use to be all over women, whats happened

 

I can't really tell what's happened or not. But from my knowledge, its not uncommon. There are many cases of men and women finding themselves same-sex attracted after they determined themselves as straight and had straight relationships as well. I've also heard it happening to people as late as their 40's, while they have a spouse (who's the opposite sex of them) and have had children with them, then finding themselves not sexually attracted to their spouse anymore, but to people of the same-sex as themselves. There's never really a significant cause to one's sexual orentation, it just develops. Same goes for one's sexual orentation changing, it can just happen.