The Book Of Armageddon has been found.

The book of Armageddon has been found.

Behold on the 12th day of December 2012 the world will end as follows.
on the first day of Armageddon - the seven dwarfs (maybe six if they can't
wake up sleepy) shall come forth from the darkness
wielding weapons both tiny and deadly. breaking the 13 sealed cans of
tomato paste and unleashing the 4 teletubbies of the
epilepsy to reign down their horrible custard upon all non ninja.
on the second day of Armageddon - (we may have to repeat day one here if
dopey is driving) the teletubbies of death call their
evil henchman to destroy all life, Darth Springer and his apprentice the
Donald. the Donald will lure all into the evil
clutches of Darth Springer by firing them thus driving them to the
unemployment line where Darth Springer awaits wielding
both deadly force powers and the one ring. only those wielding the magical
mold spore medallions of greater salvation +5 will
be able to resist. sensing this Steve awaits in day three
on the third day of Armageddon - the teletubbies usher in untold pestilence
by empowering Steve and his army of popples as
they stuff their head in their arse and roll over all who file for
unemployment by phone thus escaping Darth Springer's
televised trap at the job services. the ears wrenching pop of the popples
heads from their rectum awakens the Bert and Ernie.
Upon their untimely awakening they summon the nargals by performing their
bloody bubble bath rituals chanting; "rubber duckie
your the one, you make bath time lots of fun, rubber duckie your the one
for meeeeeeeeeee." while sacrificing Barnie on the
the Stone Table.
If it is to horrifying for you to imagine please skip to the end and drink
the purple koolaide now as the alien ship is
currently docking with our air shield. If you missed the memo the access
code is 1234
on the fourth day of Armageddon - the teletubbies demonstrate their demonic
powers by reminding everyone that they destroyed
the Mayan civilization 1100 years ago preventing them from printing any
further dates on their calendar thus inciting panic
in the minds of all non ninja who believe the evil cult known as the
Staplers will their elite knights the Lan-court-neeers
will save them by satisfying the teletubbies thrust for hand churned
custard.
on the fifth day of Armageddon - Armies prepare for battle as the staplers
set out from Hogwarts on their Nuisance 2000s in
efforts to quash the last stronghold of ninja in Fantasia. Protected by
their kageshu mascot spider pig and their supreme
leader Bob the touch feely house elf and all the powers of Isengard.
Impending doom awaits all those on the battlefield as
both armies approach.
5 minute Intermission - if you do not wait 5 minutes then the world will
end 5 minutes early for you. so please take 10
minutes if you need it, we will understand.
on the sixth day of Armageddon - as the armies of darkness and ninja
collide and the battlefield runs purple with Koolaide the
staplers make a bold move and summon Jim Jones from the depts of PBS to
tempt the ninja into loosing their hoods and casting
aside their mystical medallions leaving them vulnerable for the ultimate
MMA attack, the care bear stare.
on the seventh day of Armageddon - as the weakened ninja fall back to helms
deep their safe passage is secured as the care
bear stare reflects off the mystical mold spore medallions thus summoning
John Travolta (undercover ninja) who dazzles the
Lan-court-neeers with the hustle giving the ninja time to prepare their
real ultimate power while wailing on the guitar.
on the eight day of Armageddon - i can't, i just can't, its too gruesome to
tell, all i can say is that the staplers were all
impaled.
If you failed to drink the purple Koolaide then you have missed the
mega-maid. do not fear for you need only need to stick out
your thumb and Marvin, the Paranoid Android will gladly pick you up. ps
don't forget your towel.
on the ninth day of Armageddon - a false peace dawns and the ninja
celebrate their victory and survival of the Armageddon but
in all the fighting and mass confusion on the battlefield they have lost
track of the days. but behold the prophet Rodney
Dangerfield steps forth from the mist and proclaims, rest not for the end
is neigh at hand and thou shalt have no respect, for
it is only the ninth day.
on the tenth day of Armageddon - the ninja systematically kick the crap out
of the time keeper.
on the eleventh day of Armageddon - the ninja recoup from the lengthly
pommeling of the timekeeper and seek guidance from their elder and astral
guide "THE ASK A NINJA" and he proclaimed: 42
on the twelfth day of Armageddon - as the remaining 13 ninja ponder
universal essence of 42 they realize the following;
2 = the number of epileptic henchmen employed by the teletubbies
4 = the number of teletubbies (tinky winky, lala, po, dipsy)
2 + 4 = 6, 6 being the number of dwarfs that actually ended the world as
sleepy could not be aroused
2 * 4 = 8, 8 being the number of the day of the ninja victory over the
staplers
6 + 8 = 14, 14 being the number of letters in the elite knights of the
staplers the Lan-court-neeers
1 + 4 = 5, 5 being the length of a proper intermission
1 + 3 = 4, 4 being the number of male surviving ninja to the 9 female
surviving ninja (good odds)
All totaling = 42
having seen the wisdom of "THE ASK A NINJA" the surviving 13 ninja summon
the 12 golden reindeer to feast upon the multi-colored flesh of the
teletubbies thus thworthed, bringing in the 5th age of man, the ninja realm
where the 4 kings and 9 queens shall rule on high in Endore with the newly
formed Nimh counsel

_______________________________________
I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass and I'm all out of bubble gum.

 

Nice wall of text there.

 

If anybody on here actually manages to read through all of that I'll give them a wedgie!!!

For fuck's sake!!

 

I just happened to see.. Ask a Ninja... and then some math problems...

 

I stopped at the seven dwarfs, skipped down to the equations, decided it was not worth it then I posted.

 

better than sleeping pills...

 

Omg John Travolta was an undercover ninja...NO WAY!!!!!!!!

 

I only scanned and saw some random words...

tomato paste, John Travolta, epileptic henchmen.

Is JT allergic to tomatoes or something?

 

Who the hell is Marvin? LOL

 

I read Jim Jones oh goodie...

And Darth Springer, which maybe is a mix between Darth Vader and Jerry Springer perhaps...

 

I wonder how long this took to write and if you were on the toilet when jotting this down...

 

Aqua, I presume Marvin is the little fucked up martian from the cartoon, or he could be Marvellous Marvin Haggler, although he changed his name by deed poll to Marvellous Marvin, so he would probably have to be refered to as such, for legal purposes.

 

Marvin is the Fucked up Robot from the Douglas Adams book "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" I was bored and was tired of people fucking with me about some stuff so I wrote this to really piss them off. But I have put it on a few other sites and people seem to think it's funny as hell. The people I was trying to piss off, well let's just say THEY ARE REALLY PISSED NOW. I was just showing how stupid they really was.


________________________________________

I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass and I'm all out of bubble gum

 

it was a bit much. i'd edit out some bit, add in some paragraph breaks, some drawings, etc.

 

yea, some crayon drawings would be great

 

What I'm wondering is, who's Steve?

 

that was my nickname in french.

 

Wait, I'm confused about the story - So the cops knew that internal affairs were setting them up?

 

Makes perfect sense.

 

well I know one thing Im not coming out of retirement unless
Tony Manero is Dancing dancing yeah......