My name is Peter, here's my story...

I've suffered from depression for a long time(at least for the past 2-3 years). Although I was never diagnosed, I'm sure I went through that. I've posted about 4 times here about my problem but this will be probably my last time. I'm going through alot, I'm really paranoid, I've got some friends but that's it. I recently lost my best friend(very long story, I won't bother) and now I'm with my other good friend. I'm sure I have anxiety, now as a disorder I'm not sure. I put a lot of ideas in my head and I'm sure it's not true. Such as, if I'm in the bus, I'll say oh hey look I'm sure that nice looking girl over there would say this and this over me. Yesterday, I was in a really bad mood, I was extremely angry and sad over what? I'm not even sure. Exams are coming up, I'm doing fine but I'm stressed, of failing. I'm afraid been a psychopath. I got a lot of suicidal thoughts, the feeling of hurting others(although I love people, I know it's weird).

At school, I feel like a ghost that's unoticed. I feel like I'm not even there, only in the presence of teachers and my good friend and a couple of others.. I mean, what's going on? My good friend told me, you were cool in grade 7th-9th but when we got in grade 10th, you started saying weird things. Sometimes, without even noticing it, I lie and then I say why? Why did I do that? I don't want to lie.. Somedays, I feel suicidal, other times I feel like I never even had those thoughts. Yes, I know I need help..I just had to say this to someone, I feel lonely, like a forgotten ghost. My good friend tells me that my best friend might have had a great influence on me psychologicaly because he had family problems, drug problems, etc. My best friend might suffer from psychopathy(he has most, if not all of the symptoms).

Many people say I look happy, that I'm funny and that I make people laugh and I know I do. I've been really suicidal lately, I wanna kill myself. But on the other hand, I say no. I've accomplished a lot to be here, why waste it? Then I change from question to question. Sometimes, I picture in my mind peoples reaction to my suicide, I just get all these ideas after my death. I got a lot of anxiety too, I talk alot, I am social but I'm afraid of what the others think about me. At work, I was hanging around with some people after we've finished and I said to a couple of them that they were cool and I love them, just like that you know. And then the girl says, peter what do you mean? You're gonna come here tomorow with a gun? I tell her what do you mean, youre scaring me. Then she says, no you're scaring me. But I know she likes me as a friend.

I really love my friends, my family.

This is my story and although I didn't cover everything detailed, let's just say this is a summary. I'll be posting this on other places in the site. Thanks for your comments/suggestions.

 

Hey there Peter. To skip all formality and hopefully provide you with some useful advice (before you stop coming to these great forums) ill say this:

1. Learn to love yourself. Im pretty sure you've heard this at least maybe 50,000 times, but the statement goes a long way. To say a bit about myself, I've always been obsessed with the idea of suicide, and still am. I would say at least 3 hours a day is devoted to the thought. But I would no longer call myself suicidal or depressed. So many people look up to me as a beacon of happyness and hope. And they always have. But I got really damn tired of being so sad and pathetic in my OWN eyes.

So what I suggest to you now is the idea of self. If I asked you to answer honestly who you truly are do you think you could give me a clear answer? A really answer?

Once you can identify who lies at the core of you, you are well on the way to being the best you can be. And yeah I know I probably sound like im spewing a whole bunch of crap, but I have an idea of what its like. Make yourself the most important thing in your world. Find the music you love, explore it endlessly. Find things you like, wear clothes you like. Do things that make you happy ::tangent:: (non self destructive... anything else would be defeatism... if your aim is to be defeated by the whim of life, so be it. I'll give you even better advice on effective suicide techniques. We dont need more worthless people on this planet). ::/tangent::.

I think ive posted enough for now. If you would like some more advice (or to hear me rant some more) just reply.

 

Find an adult, a teacher, anyone you can talk to. Let somebody know what you're going through. Talking about stuff online isn't enough, you need a face to face contact with someone who can help you sort out this stuff. Counseling works when you find the right match. Find someone and start building trust. Life's journey can get real freaky at times. Its valuable to have a guide. Find one for yourself, please. PM if you want to talk.

 

Thanks alot for your post, it made me really think positive. No, I'm not going anywhere, I love these forums! Well I'll tell you, I'm a great person and I know it.

 

I'd rather not talk to anyone, I mean I've talked to my ex best friend but he said it was gonna go away eventually, that didn't help. Thanks again for your reply!

 

Talk with someone about your life, what's goign on in your head, what you think of the future, or issues you have. I know this, believe me, if you don't talk you get deeper and deeper in your negative emotions and thoughts.
Also, try doing some active things, do some art, do some sports, just don't stand still to much, don't try thinking to much, negative thinking only leads to worse .

And remember, there is sunshine after the rain, how bad a depression looks, it will go over at one time, everyone has these dark episodes in their lifes .

 

Peter, until you are PROPERLY diagnosed as mentally ill, stop making yourself that way.

The internet has allowed everyone to go online and read about stuff that may or may not apply to them. If I was a hypochondriac, I'd being going crazy with all this information. I suspect many have.

You're young, obviously. You're supposed to be a little crazy. Just because you go through crap once and a while doesn't mean you're a nut job. It just means you don't have enough life experience yet to know how to handle some things.

So pay attention. School is always in session.


x

 

I agreed wholeheartedly.

 

I wonder if the "oil of joy" mentioned in the Bible is mandrake root fried in olive oil. That's something I've wondered about.