Sorry to intrude here Here's my scenario~ My husband (of 9 yrs) has been calling chatlines secretly for about 4+ months now I only found out because I had the bill, that wasn't being sent to the house, emailed to me. I saw an unusual # that has been called multiple times for hours on end...a chatline come to find out So he says it was innocent, nothing sexual If so why would it be hidden? He "says" he was getting marital advise? My impression of these things is they are for dating/phone sex /hooking up There are literally hours and hours of this and it just so happens to be EVERY time I leave the house, there was even some from 4 a.m. So my question is have you been on 1? What are they all about? Is there any normal talk ...like marital issues etc? Why do you think he's lying about it if its innocent? As far as I know we don't have any serious issues to talk for 1000+ hours about...I thought we had a really good relationship He went into my email account and deleted the bills and then took me off the account so I couldn't find out more...told me to stop prying into his business... Should I end the marriage and jeopardize my children's lives and my whole life? I He says he'll go to counseling and start being a good father and husband but then the next he day left, told me he'd bring food for the kids, haven't heard from him since......he has the car, money, etc Sorry this is such a crazy rambling post but I could use some opinions that are from an outside source.... friends and family can be too nice sometimes
Never been on one and I'm sorry that you and your children are dealing with this. Concealing the calls is as much an admission that it is wrong- trying to pigeonhole the infraction is beside the point. Strong marriages are built on foundations of honesty and communication. Hiding the calls from you is inherently dishonest- directing affections in any direction other than the relationship at very least suggests there are issues needing to be addressed. IF there were no children then the answer would be simple- run and don't look back.However, you have children who will be a permanent link to your husband- he'll always be their father- your order of business is to negotiate the terms in which he'll fill that role- assuming that he's willing to do so. Holding the marriage together is only one option at this point- contingent on the ability to maintain a safe and relatively happy home for the kids- who will sense if you and their father are unhappy and if so will likely internalize the bad energy... and even think that it's somehow their fault. The question should be- which is going to jeopardize the children's lives more- maintaining a loveless marriage for "their sake" or going your separate ways? If you go your separate ways try to avoid falling into the common trap of attacking the father and effectively enlisting the kids in the destruction of the relationship. I'm sorry I couldn't be more help...
^^ couldn't say it better, and I hate to tell you that most of those chat lines are sex lines. Best of luck, PM me if you need to talk.
Thank you all~ It's good to be reassured of my feelings....My head is spinning in so many directions right now~ 1 more question? Do you think chatting = cheating? He thinks I'm overreacting ..... I can't prove anything other than "talking" happened but I'm feeling like it is total betrayal nonetheless ,EVEN if it was marital advise..which is a totally lame/absurd excuse.. I am so lost right now and feel hopeless and afraid, I haven't been "alone" since I was 14~ 2 back to back relationships, I don't want that to instigate my decision Should I let talking on the phone to some skanky hoes destroy EVERYTHING Then I have feelings of anger and revenge He will have a hell of a time in court if that's what I decide~
Does it really matter if he "cheated" What is cheating in your book? It's a little different with everybody. i would say that he has crossed a line with you already, otherwise we would not be discussing this. I would demand honesty. If he's on a chat line masturbating to a faceless semi nameless person the harm is less than if he is developing a romantic affair with another whether sex has begun or not. As for me the act of developing an emotional romantic attachment is far worse than masturbating on a sex line. See what information you can get from him if any at all then decide your next course of action. I would not jump into divorce right away. You have children and there is more at stake with that being the case.
dave is right. this is a very ugly situation, but it is not unconquerable. a breach of trust is harder than anything else to overcome, especially since most people get their biggest jollies off of sneaking around. moreso than any action that they may get. when people are together a long time, it's hard to maintain that excitement. this is a natural outcome, but it's not insurmountable. love is not sex, sex is not love. if dave gets off on other women, it doesn't bother me so much, because i have also pursued other flirtations. what bothers me is the secrecy. if you've been together a long time, and you never really doubted his love, how is a chat line much different than porn or imagination? however, that being said, i have a very liberal mind in regards to sex, because i know sex is just sex, unless you LOVE. yeah, sometimes the naughtiness and newness makes it more exciting, but after it's all said and done, you yearn for your other half. marriage isn't just easy times. people grow, change, shift, go through wierd periods and such. and that is SO PAINFUL. but it's not evil or a deal breaker. yes, it's a bad situation, and he seems to be, from what i've read, going through a very frustrated, fearful, selfish time. remember the good things, too, through your pain, and decide what to do from there.
So we had another talk last night... I've decided to give it a TRY for the sake of my children and our history together ...We are the "ideal" couple and inspiration to so many people ~ just to give you some insight...that's us, ALWAYS ALWAYS together, affectionate, happy, blah blah blah Things will change dramatically including phone/computer use, counseling, his career (construction has irregular hours not to mention construction worker bad habits ) lifestyle, more 1 on 1 time etc. I feel like a joke Like he was just waiting for me to fold I have overly trusted him in the past , he took advantage of it. I too have been quite liberal~ so that is 1 of the reasons I'm so confused by all this. We've always had an open relationship. He's always told me if he finds other women attractive and of any fantasies he may have with them ...I know he likes his porn and mags etc.....I've never ever been a jealous type person, but this has made me wonder...........the secrecy!!! I don't want to lose that openness and trust , I've always cherished that about our relationship. I know he is a thrill addict....what is he going to move on to next? How to I make our lives thrilling again? Our sex life could use some work,it's not at all horrible but it isn't what it use to be considering our kids room is connected to ours, which sucks, and he has a bad habit of sleeping on the couch. Oh me oh my....
work work work. i know it's SO HARD to be interested in sex when your brain is in mommy mode. maybe you could get him to take up dirt biking or something.
It isn't the same as cheating, I think, any more than masturbation is cheating. But if he's lied to you, that's a problem. Actual dirtbiking, or some bizarre euphemism for taking it in the pooper?
nope, something to address that part of him that has been neglected for whatever reason. that thing that made him seek out a petty thrill.
I've never called one(or want to), but in my opinion those chatlines are more like a type of porn. I personally wouldn't consider it cheating, especially if he watches porn. Good luck though.
Makes sense. I know I wank a lot more when I'm bored. As someone said, it's not much different from pornography really, so I guess it depends how she feels about that.
The secrecy violates the openness of the marriage... whether or not it's classified as cheating is immaterial. You're certainly not a joke and good luck keeping things together.
What parts of his body he is touching (and who he is thinking about at the time) is one thing. But I am concerned about this part of the OP. Whether the calls are to his mother or his hooker, the notion of a married person having a private life, forbidden to their spouse, is contrary to my idea of what marriage is. The OP is concerned about those calls. Dear OP's husband, Your wife is concerned about those calls. Which is more important to you, those calls or your wife's peace of mind? Dear OP, Do you want to spend your life with a guy who prefers continuing these secret calls over easing your mind? (I repeat, it doesn't matter if the calls are to his mom, his stockbroker or his hooker. Which is more important to him: the calls or his wife's happiness?) Its not what he thinks about when he's not with his wife, its how much he cares about his wife's concerns and what he does when she expresses them. Put another way. Him going to a hooker is a warning sign of marital troubles. His ignoring the wife's request that he stop is a sure sign that the marriage is in trouble.
