My name is Peter, here's my story

I've suffered from depression for a long time(at least for the past 2-3 years). Although I was never diagnosed, I'm sure I went through that. I've posted about 4 times here about my problem but this will be probably my last time. I'm going through alot, I'm really paranoid, I've got some friends but that's it. I recently lost my best friend(very long story, I won't bother) and now I'm with my other good friend. I'm sure I have anxiety, now as a disorder I'm not sure. I put a lot of ideas in my head and I'm sure it's not true. Such as, if I'm in the bus, I'll say oh hey look I'm sure that nice looking girl over there would say this and this over me. Yesterday, I was in a really bad mood, I was extremely angry and sad over what? I'm not even sure. Exams are coming up, I'm doing fine but I'm stressed, of failing. I'm afraid been a psychopath. I got a lot of suicidal thoughts, the feeling of hurting others(although I love people, I know it's weird).

At school, I feel like a ghost that's unoticed. I feel like I'm not even there, only in the presence of teachers and my good friend and a couple of others.. I mean, what's going on? My good friend told me, you were cool in grade 7th-9th but when we got in grade 10th, you started saying weird things. Sometimes, without even noticing it, I lie and then I say why? Why did I do that? I don't want to lie.. Somedays, I feel suicidal, other times I feel like I never even had those thoughts. Yes, I know I need help..I just had to say this to someone, I feel lonely, like a forgotten ghost. My good friend tells me that my best friend might have had a great influence on me psychologicaly because he had family problems, drug problems, etc. My best friend might suffer from psychopathy(he has most, if not all of the symptoms).

Many people say I look happy, that I'm funny and that I make people laugh and I know I do. I've been really suicidal lately, I wanna kill myself. But on the other hand, I say no. I've accomplished a lot to be here, why waste it? Then I change from question to question. Sometimes, I picture in my mind peoples reaction to my suicide, I just get all these ideas after my death. I got a lot of anxiety too, I talk alot, I am social but I'm afraid of what the others think about me. At work, I was hanging around with some people after we've finished and I said to a couple of them that they were cool and I love them, just like that you know. And then the girl says, peter what do you mean? You're gonna come here tomorow with a gun? I tell her what do you mean, youre scaring me. Then she says, no you're scaring me. But I know she likes me as a friend.

I really love my friends, my family.

This is my story and although I didn't cover everything detailed, let's just say this is a summary. I'll be posting this on other places in the site. Thanks for your comments/suggestions.

 

First off, suicide? Even at your worst, why not at least spend your life doing hardcore drugs instead of wasting it completely? I know when someone feels suicidal, it's not about reason, it's just gut feeling, but try to keep some logical thoughts in the back of your head even so; there's no going back, and you can't imagine the pain your family and good friends would encounter by it.

But here man, I'm just going to throw a few questions out there to see if I can give you any good advice and get a vibe for how you think.
Do you know what exactly put you into the spin of depression? Was it your best friend or some other influence on you? Have you been taking any recreational drugs, now or in the past (including alcohol)? Especially list anything you do often. Do you get anxiety only when reflecting on suicide, or at other times as well? How would you describe this anxiety?

How's your family relationship? Do you have strict parents? Are they still married (if both are living, I'm very sorry if you've lost one). Do you have a family dinner on a regular basis?

I'm kind of similar with you on a few points; I've been depressed since about my freshman year (I just graduated), although mine was triggered through getting bent up really badly over a girl (who actually is my best friend). But I'm really introverted and think more than anything, which results in social awkwardness (at least that's what I see, I do fine, though). I get the "but you're funny thing", though haha. I sometimes feel like I say stuff without knowing why also (not always a lie).

You probably really need someone to open up to, especially with the recent loss of your best friend; it's probably why you said that to the people you work with. I imagine you probably predicted their reactions being what they were (at the very least) and hoped for some comfort that they cared for you. They probably do.

 

A most interesting solution. I've never seen anybody confront suicide quite like that, but it's inovative if nothing else.

 

I think I got depression due that I wanted acceptance and I always feel that people don't really like me and I know that's not really true. Sure, maybe some people hate me but not all of them. I'm really paranoid, that's just the thing. I only take alcohol when I go to parties, never to ''escape'' my problems. I used to smoke pot every week last year(mid october-november) and then I took it rarely. It's not that I depended on it, I just had nothing to do with my best friend. Plus that guy kinda influenced me on taking it, his family has drug problems so ya..

Last time I smoked pot was on March break( 3 months ago) and I quit. I'm not taking anymore of that because the next day, it would get me depressed and tired. My family relationship is very good, sure I might get in some occasional fights with my family but it happens rarely. We always eat together. Nice to see that I'm not alone. Ya, now that I lost my true best friend, it's hard you know. I'll move on, hell I did already. But sometimes, I'm still thinking on all those memories, bad and good with him.