Ah, something needs to change.

Something seriously needs to change. It HAS to change, I'm going to go crazy if it doesn't.

This isn't some case of abuse, of constant harrassment, or anything overt. This is a problem of every day being the same, of being caught in some sick loop of absolutely nothing. Nothing.

I live in a suburban town. Every day my parents yell at me for not easily waking, and every day I lay in bed. I drag up and float into school still not sure of anything. I get in class and don't talk. I shut down, I'm like a turtle in a shell. No one talks to me and I don't talk to them. I'm scared of people, and I hate it. I meet up with the same 3 people at lunch and we talk about the same thing. Drugs. It's always something unproductive and stupid like drugs. After school when we meet up we smoke weed. I come home and sleep, wake up, and listen to music.

I've had a problem with anxiety/depression for a long time. Constant derealization and mild HPPD. Every day I think about it. I never go out and live like I used to. For three years every fucking day has been the exact same god damned thing.

It's like I'm stuck. I feel stuck with my expectations and others expectations of me. I keep doing the same things, the things that I've grown to hate. I hate a few of my friends. I feel like I've wasted so much time and I'm so sick of it. But I feel like, being in the same environment, with the same tasks and the same people, I'm doomed to act the same way.

All I want to do is change. I feel like I need to GO, to start again. I don't want anything to do with anyone I know or anything that's ever been for me. I just want a fresh start., I feel like that's my only way.

There's a quiet desperation that exists which can be a hellish prison. I never felt like I understood "trapped" until now.

 

Welcome to the real world


We get up and go to work or school, we pretend we’re learning something or making a difference, we go home and have dinner, we watch television or go out, we attempt to procreate or something which passes for sex, we fall asleep and start over again.


....and we do that x 365 days a year for 70 or more years, then we die a painful, miserable, lonely death


Hotwater

 

I'd say sell crack nothing is boring in the world of a crack dealer.

 

yeah that's high school for ya. but look on the bright side: you're 18 so you must be a senior - close to graduating? just get out of that boring little town and go to school in a fun collage city. force yourself to meet new people - don't move in with friends from high school. find a room mate on craig's list or soemthing.
i felt the same way during high school - especially during my last year! it just means it's time to fly away! good luck and peace!

 

I sometimes find myself wondering what it would be like if i just up and left with only the clothes on my back to the other side of the country. I think i'm in a simliar place to you man, maybe it will take me having absolutely NOTHING to make me appreciate what i do have.

 

I can totally relate with the anxiety thing...

 

Just stop whining and if you want to change then do something about it , it won't be as hard as you think.

 

Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrk

 

Run away and join the circus or army, I did, and then I realized how good it was befor I left. Then I turned down a job in medi-vac helicopters in favor of bumming around on a sailboat. Later I thought I'd made the wrong choice again. It's all relative really; 'familiarity breeds contempt', that sort of thing, but you wont know that untill it's gone.

 

know how you feel.... i wanna leave 2. i hardly feel anything here. im never properly hungry, tierd, happy or sad. its just nothing. time for a change, but i know i can leave cause im still in school.... the best i can do 2 get myself away from feeling that is planning my gap year. Find something u can stay for, atleast till the end of school.
good luck for the future and peace be with you!

 

I cant change anything except myself. Stop focusing on the problem and start focusing on a solution.