I have been going through some really tough times, girlfriend cheating on me, parents getting sick, one with cancer other with drugs, and recently a good friend almost died. I am really overwhelmed with it all and have never been able to deal with anger well. When stuff happened with my girlfriend, I read Thich Naht Hahn's book about anger but I think I misinturpretted it. I tried to gather my angry thoughts, and I sat down with my girlfriend and friend and spoke wiht them compassionately, not letting myself get angry. But I feel my version of his methods has made me repress angry rather then rid it and months have passed and I feel miserable. To any Buddhists, what are some words of advice when dealing with angry and betrayal for an aspiring Buddhist like myself?
Well, I don't consider myself Buddhist or any different to you, but I'd say that in order to deal with the anger you need to go to the root cause of it. Hopes and dreams that don't materialise, things that don't go as we planned, all of these things associated with trying to be in a better place or state of mind will conjure up angry thoughts, and then you identify with those angry thoughts and so become an angry person. You need to find who you are, the constant you that is in this very moment, and always in this moment. When you dispel the thoughts, and the ego 'I am' associated with those thoughts simply as thoughts and nothing more, then you cut off the root to the anger before it can even manifest. Know yourself as being, rather than as being something else in your mind.
thank you for the response, I really appreciate it. I have trouble being myself in the context of anger though, that is my problem. I have a warped sense of anger due to how I grew up, abuse and alcoholism. Over time, when I got "angry", I would retreat inside myside and destroy myself by self-mutilation, self-medicating, etc. So I'm really trying to learn healthier methods so I CAN find my authenticity without taking steps back in the process.
Stella I wont get all Loved out on you, I mean you know how I am :tongue: But I believe Buddhism, at least as far as the Surangama Sutra is concerned, takes on the mentality of Mind Essence? So it's beyond just finding the root in the mind and plucking it out, what needs to take place is to see yourself in the directed target of your anger as well as the source of it, and realize that you and your target are both of the same Essence, as far as the fabric of reality is concerned. "Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule. Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha I hope you feel better my friend, you have a pure heart Namaste
Stella, I don't know which Thich Naht Hahn book you read, but have you read this post: Bloodlust and Hate
I dont know much, i think you can be angry sometimes, dont be ashamed or feel bad because you are angry just be angry, live this state of mind watch the fact that you are angry and what makes you angry it s normal to be angry do not hurt yourself and do not hurt other while you are angry, but it s normal to be angry sometimes dont feel guilty about it if you can be angry in the proper way and when you have to be angry, it will allow you to feel better the rest of your moments live it use stalk method too. take care
You seem upset over feelings of anger that manifest, quite clearly because anger causes you great suffering. To rid yourself of that anger, you must understand not why you are angry (no doubt you are angry over all the little things), but rather, how anger arises. What we call a human is an Aggregate of Five things, in six "spheres." The spheres being, the eye, ear, nose, mouth, body, and mind, what you might call "senses," they are termed as "spheres" in Buddhism, with the mind included. The eye senses visual objects, the ear senses audible objects, the body tactile objects, and so on, and the mind, "mental objects," which includes both thoughts and feelings. Each of these six spheres are related, but acts upon their own conditioning. That is to say, if you isolated the eye from the rest of the spheres, it would still be aware of things in its field of view, it would still send messages to the brain, etc. Buddhism includes the mind as a sensory organ, independent of the other organs but still closely related. Just as the ear cannot sense light, and the nervous system cannot hear, none of the other spheres can sense thoughts and feelings as the mind does. The Five Aggregates are, in Buddhism, given somewhat fancy names for what they really are. The Aggregate of Matter, which includes the material construction of our senses, in six kinds (eye/retina/iris, ear/drum/cochlea, body/nerves, mouth/tongue/tastebuds, nose/cilia, mind/brain, etc.). The interaction of these spheres with the outside world gives rise to the Aggregate of Sensations, which includes all of our sensations, pleasant and unpleasant, and neither-pleasant-nor-unpleasant. This includes physical and mental sensations, including feelings such as anger. Sensations are also of six kinds, of the eye, the ear, the nose, the mouth, the body, and the mind. Anger, for example, is a sensation of the mind. The Aggregate of Perceptions is next, which is also of six kinds, or spheres. This is where sensations are recognized and/or classified so as to be understood as a thought (or thought-object). If you feel angry, then you are experiencing not only a mental sensation, but you are also recognizing it as a specific sensation, or percieving it. The Aggregate of Mental Formations is next, again of six spheres. This includes volition -- sometimes translated as "will" or "karma," although they are somewhat inaccurate. Let me give you an example of what is meant by volition. Our physical sense organ, the mind, senses mental constructions the same as the eye senses physical constructions. A sensation is sensed, a feeling, anger as an example, but here is not where it is determined to be anger. It is just a sensation like any other. Then it is percieved, and recognized as anger. Then, a mental formation arises, a volition, an action that is in response to that anger. We become tense and outwardly cross with others, we may ball our fists, or yell. These reactions are volition, or "will," activities. These are what are included in the Aggregate of Mental Formations. Lastly is the Aggregate of Consciousness. Consciousness is understood in Buddhism to mean, awareness. It is also of six spheres. When the eye sees a shape, the sensation of seeing is there, the shape is recognized or percieved, then a volitional action arises in response to that recognition, and then consciousness of that shape's existance and of the volitional action arises. In this Aggregate includes our response (for example, we may recognize the shape as a person, so our volitional action may arise as desire to greet them, and so our consciousness of that person arises, and we carry out that volitional action). Look at anger, in the perspective of this understanding of what makes up a "human." Our mind interacts with a feeling, anger. It is sensed and becomes present. Then it is recognized as anger. This anger allows a volition to arise. We may want to yell at someone because we are angry. Then, consciousness of this anger arises, we carry out our desire to yell, and we react to anger's presence. Understanding how anger arises can lead you to wisdom. By being conscious, not only of our anger, but of the process by which our anger arises, we are able to see clearly what conditions cause anger to arise, and we are able to curtail, get rid of, mitigate, remove, those conditions. Anger arises out of attachment to a thing that is impermanent. For example, a man becomes attached to his wife, but if his wife leaves him, he becomes angry. He becomes angry because he senses through his sense organs that his wife has left, which conditions the feelings (mental formations) of hatred or of being victimized. These feelings are sensed by the mind, and create volition, a desire to hurt others, or to escape. But these volitional actions are only suffering. Hurting others does not quell the feeling of hatred. Attempting to escape from victimization, does not quell the feeling of being victimized. And so by understanding that, in this case, the man necessarily becomes angry because he is attached to his wife, by becoming detached and dispassionate toward her, by realizing that it's not the end of the world, by realizing that other women exist and he should not cling to one he is not happy with, he is able to avoid the suffering found in anger, and he is able to direct his thoughts toward other goals. You may feel angry because your girlfriend cheated, or because your parents have cancer or do drugs, or because your friend almost died. These are all attachments. You are attached to the idea of your girlfriend being exclusive to you, and to the idea of your parents being healthy, and you are attached to the company of your friend. All of these things are impermanent. People die, relationships end. This is the natural behaviour of the world. For that reason, it is not proper to attach yourself to these things, because attachment will *only* cause suffering. It is possible to appreciate things without being attached to them. Just as the Buddha might walk into a room with a man playing an instrument, he may take joy in the man's song, but would not become angry once the man stopped playing and left, because he would realize the impermanence of the song. He appreciates the song in the present moment, and not in the past, or in the future. When it is not there, in the present moment, it is no longer there to either appreciate or suffer over. So too, to quell anger and erase it, must you become detached to things that must inevitably change. In the case of relationships, observe the man whose wife has left him, so he shrugs it off and has no regrets, and seeks out another woman. Would he be happy with his first wife? Sure. Would he appreciate being with her? Yes. But he is able to see the anger that attachment causes, and is able to avoid attachment to her. This makes him a wise man. In the case of health, whether by conditions like cancer, or drugs, or in the case of death of a friend, you must be detached to these things. Appreciate health when it is present. Enjoy when your parents are in a good state of mind, enjoy your friend while he is around. When this is not the case, do not be attached to their health and life. It is inevitable that it changes, and it is by no fault of your own. Try to help them if you see fit, but do not become attached to the idea of them getting better by your instruction, because if that does not happen, you would only suffer. If you cannot help them, it's okay, there is nothing that can be done. I must go but I hope you have gained some insight from this post. I am never on these forums anymore and I probably will not return. But you asked for a Buddhist's perspective on anger, so here it is.
I find that anger is a confidence issue. If you can manage not to think you won't feel angry anymore. But that's easier said than done.
Yes, recognise your thoughts simply as thoughts. Then nothing can come of them, you effectively cut the problem of anger off before it can even become a problem. Thought -> separation -> attatchment ->suffering By recognising your thoughts as having no value (not identifying with them) they cannot become something else, you remain still, unaffected and content. Whenever your mind starts to wonder, becomes conscious that your mind is wondering, kind of like pulling yourself back into the now moment. Practise doing this, and I assure you that very soon afterwards your mind will be very quiet and still, and nothing will be able to make you angry. Let us know how you get on