to my muse, i see you and i want to: take my tongue in hand and drag it along horizontally, leave just enough for an electronic connection. see the brain pulsate and generate a trickle down through the loft; an amplified form of wrinkled matter tendered nurturedly, rendered quizzical from inspiration of the divine, a web of splotchy starlight. see the milky way dance across the night-time bubble. the pinkened cosmos highlighting thoughts of elevated enigmas. but i'll take my tongue and i'll dip it in that trickled- puddle of electricity, of abstraction, and of course see the answer. see the words on the page fill that box inside your head. full of syntactic firewood. time for solid to become spirit as i take my tongue in hand and see. -rdw 3/11/08
some nice images in the there, teh-horace. 'tongue in hand' i particularly like, 'web of splotchy starlight' is also quite nice. you have a unique voice, particularly with a poem about 'the muse' which is a pretty hard topic to tackle without coming off as a cliché -- so many poems have been written about it. this one was good though. the only thing i didn't like, and don't take this as a criticism please, it's just a personal observation, the word 'syntactic' while certainly an interesting image juxtaposed with 'firewood', is a very harsh, jarring sound...it was hard on the ear. good piece though.
I come back and find some awesome poetry right off the bat! Thanks so much! The way you use your words is spectacular and the word choices are great. My favorites were "web of splotchy starlight", "the pinkened cosmos", and "syntactic firewood"
Well, I would critique if I didn't like some part of it, but I can't! Some might offer a better critique but for me this shouldn't be changed.
I know you asked for critique... this is a great poem R.D. but I did want to drop a couple of thoughts your way... as with all, take what you like and ignore the rest. you will know what feels right... because you are a good poet my man! I would change "see the brain" to "see my brain"... since you directed this poem "to my muse" as if you are talking to your muse "see my brain" just seems to work better... my opinion I love "a web of splotchy starlight" so please don't change that! I also thought, although it eliminates the clue that helps the reader know what the poem is about... I wanted the title to be "I See You" Let the reader figure out it is about the muse... I underlined any line where I made a change... just a couple of spots where I dropped some words, chgd a couple... as usual, when I see a great one I jump on it like it's one of my own, forgive my method, and accept my input for what it is... just another struggling poetic mind in the cosmos. eace:
