Hi =] Well, I posted something on another writing forum on another site, and got slated basically But I learnt from it, so I'm appreciative of the reviewer, and I wondered if I've improved. I would like to know your opinions on this: “Smile, Frae,” Willelm persisted. His voice was light and cheery, and if she were to look right she would surely find his wizened face creased into a heart-warming smile, his baby blue eyes sparkling under the frames of wire-rimmed glasses. But she didn’t look. She didn’t want to see his eyes probing into hers, making her doubts, stress and worry evaporate – all she wanted, for once, to mull in silence and simply hate the world. Was that too much to ask? He sighed when she ignored him, and returned to giving the road his full attention while he left her to sulk and stare with folded arms out of the car window. It was, she noticed as she glanced at her watch, 2 in the afternoon. They had been travelling for a couple of hours now, and since it was the peak of the warmth during the summer day, the sun glared through the windows into the car, forcing her to squint angrily and constantly wipe at her moist skin. She was too obstinate to ask for the electric windows to be reclined, and too annoyed to reach into the glove compartment and quench her thirst from the bottle of water she kept. No doubt it would be warm and unsatisfying anyway. She had kept stubbornly in the exact same position the entire ride, and she wasn’t going to break the record. Last time she had managed just over 4 hours, and she was halfway there at least. The competition against herself gave her something to work towards anyway – something to make the journey seem partially meaningful. “Frae,” Willelm piped up after slowing at a junction. She ignored him again, and she could see him gazing at her from the corner of her eye. Why couldn’t he just let her be? “I know this is hard, but it’s -” “Necessary, I know.” Her voice cracked from lack of moisture, but the curt and rude tinge to her tone didn’t go unmissed as she saw his brows knit together in a disapproving frown. The car began to pick up speed again, as he turned his attention to the road once more, and the only sound was the hum of the engine. Well, it wasn’t her fault they had made these repetitive long journeys countless times – so many in fact that she could now recite what the conversation in the car would entail. Willelm would start with small cheery talk, and when that failed the radio would come on and annoyingly disrupt her thoughts, then he would get sick of the music and turn it off. After that came silence. Maybe the silence was awkward for him, but to her it was the most bearable part of the journey. The silence would then desperately inspire ‘the talk’, where Willelm would explain the reasons and claim that if he had his way it wouldn’t be like this. That it wasn’t his fault and she shouldn’t blame him. She never had the guts to correct him and tell him that she didn’t blame him, because in a way she did. In fact, it was his entire fault – an opinion which she moodily voiced for the first time. “Frae...!” He breathed in response to her accusation, sounding hurt and wounded. She had never said anything like that before. Maybe this was just one road-trip too many. A pang of guilt sparked, but she clenched her fists and willed it to go away. “Francesca,” He suddenly sounded stern and angry, and she noted the use of her full name. “I can see why you’re mad but I assure you if I could have it any other way I would!” She noticed that even though they were now driving on a motorway surrounded by other speeding cars, Willelm wasn’t watching the road but turned to face her, his expression livid. She hated it when he got mad. “Will! Watch the car!” She yelled, pointing wildly to the road. He turned and steadied the wheel, but growled, seething, “You don’t need me to control this car. In fact, if it wasn’t for you neither of us would be in here and I’d be living a much happier life!” She stared at him open-mouthed and speechless, for one of two reasons: one – he had outright blamed her; and two – she had forgotten about her powers, which was the sole reason for their travels. Tears began to well up in her eyes as she watched the angry man beside her hunched over the steering-wheel, breathing heavily. He was ignoring her, blatantly, and she felt completely alone. As the water spilled over her cheeks, she shifted herself and sat forward, her hand clutching the door handle. With a last glance at Willelm, she unbuckled her seat-belt and opened the door. The roar of traffic hit her suddenly, and cars began to scream their horns at her, but she didn’t care. She wouldn’t die. She had her powers. Before she could jump, however, the car swerved violently as an arm wrapped around her waist and dragged her back inside, the door slamming loudly and seeming to echo in the suddenly complete silence. “Why did you-?” she began angrily but was interrupted by the mobile ringing in Willelm’s pocket. He growled in annoyance and glared out of the window as he snapped open the phone and pressed it to his ear. She watched in awkward silence as his expression darkened and he frowned, then after a while he glanced at her then asked into the receiver, “But it’s unlikely?” The response from the other end of the line must have been reassuring as Willelm visibly relaxed and stated “That’s good,” before saying his goodbyes and shutting the phone and placing it back into his pocket. He was silent and concentrated on controlling the vehicle, all the while she watched him and scrutinised his every movement for any hint of what the phone call was about. “I wouldn’t have died...” she mumbled, remembering how she was thwarted in her attempt to throw herself from the car. Willelm’s eyebrows rose in surprise and he turned to look at her. Apparently he had forgotten the scene before the call. “I know full well you wouldn’t.” He said, his hand straying towards the radio and turning it on. Music filled the car and he turned the volume down until it was simply background noise - something to fill the silences. “But think of how stupid it would look if others saw a girl jump out of a speeding car and fly away-” “But what if I don’t care?” She retorted heatedly, if rather childishly, while throwing herself back into the seat. She picked up the seatbelt and fingered the metal clasp but didn’t fasten it around herself – she didn’t like being restricted by the harsh material. “You shouldn’t be so dismissive,” he answered, reaching over and snatching the belt out of her hands to press it firmly into the anchor. The clunk as it went in highlighted the silence. It's only short. Be as harsh as you want. I'm going to keep going till I get it right. Btw, the girl has powers - I'm not exaggerating or adding unneeded similies and metaphors about 'powers'- She actually has them. Anyway, ty, for reading at least Chin up, Lil.
The read is too rough. Way too much "he" and "she". The first paragraph refers to "she" 5 times, without ever actually stating that "she" IS "Frae". Use names or descriptive tags, "the girl" or whatever. It will alow for a freer flow.
Oh! I never noticed before. Wow, I just re-read, and all the 'she's jumped out at me. It was annoying, lol. Thank you so much. =] Is there anything else that needs changing?
I can't say... Until I see the corrected draft. (sorry, but good editors are usually dicks!) Because... consider structural adjustments i.e. “I wouldn’t have died...” she mumbled, remembering how she was thwarted in her attempt to throw herself from the car. Willelm’s eyebrows rose in surprise and he turned to look at her. Apparently he had forgotten the scene before the call." Analysis: “I wouldn’t have died...” [Frae] mumbled [to herself], remembering how she was thwarted in her attempt to throw herself from the car." It just happened. Credit your readers with some intelligence. The reader doesn't need reminded, plus, you break up the action (rythm) of the exchage. So I'd cut out "remembering how she was thwarted in her attempt to throw herself from the car." AND "Willelm’s eyebrows rose in surprise and he turned to look at her."-Fine " Apparently he had forgotten the scene before the call."-- this is not AT ALL apparent ESPECIALLY since willelm's next line is "I know full well you wouldn't" and not "what?" or something. Cut it out. That leaves: "“I wouldn’t have died...” [Frae] mumbled [to herself]. Willelm’s eyebrows rose in surprise and he turned to look at her." It says the same thing without the redundency. Much better. HOWEVER, the first sentence of the next paragraph belongs in THIS paragraph, i.e.: “I wouldn’t have died...” [Frae] mumbled [to herself]. Willelm’s eyebrows rose in surprise and he turned to look at her." I know full well you wouldn't." Which means the next paragraph needs a rewrite, etc. A rewite always has a domino effect. ---------------------- Having said all that, don't let it slow you down. The hardest part of writing a story is get from the begining to the end. Tell the story, establish your characters, and SCREW the rest. That's why it's called a "rough draft". THEN go back and start at the begining and re-write with critisim. Seems to me you have alot more you want to say. Say it.
This piece is above average quality for what I'm used to here. Of course, as it is presented here, it is only a fragment of a more complete story. Who/what/where/when/why have not been supplied. The reader knows nothing about the relationship between driver and narrator and is left to speculate. Spelling and grammar are good. Numerals ("2") should be replaced by words ("two") in general. Her attempted suicide (I don't believe in special powers) isn't explained. His cell phone conversation, which could be important or trivial, isn't explained. The reason for them travelling together is not given. The events waiting for them at their destination, wherever that might be, are not given. So, style is good, but content (story line) needs to be completed.
geckopelli, thank you Your help is really appreciated, and the time and effort you're going through for this - I can't thank you enough. I want to publish one day - so this, to me, is serious, and the fact that you're willing to help really lifts me. I can't believe how much better it sounds with your edit. I'm going to go through it all soon and edit it all - see what it'll turn out like. I'll post back in here if you want. I was just wondering, with, “I wouldn’t have died...” [Frae] mumbled [to herself]. Willelm’s eyebrows rose in surprise and he turned to look at her." I know full well you wouldn't." Wouldn't the "I know full well you wouldn't." confuse the readers since it's in the same paragraph as Frae's dialogue? dirtydog, thank you for the comment and taking time to read I'm extremely flattered, because whenever I decide to post something on the internet, I have always been 'slated', so it made smile so much to know that I'm somewhat improving Yeah, I'm only as far as what I posted into the story, though I have a plan of the rest. Don't worry, I wont leave all the details out, lol, I'm going to put them in later. Oh, and at this point, I want the reader to speculate and form their own theories about the driver and Frae, and their reasons, and so on. I always forget about numerals. Thank you, I'll remember next time. She didn't acutally attempt suicide, though. I mean, if you don't believe in special powers, I have no business trying to change your mind, but in the story she does have them. When she was going to thow herself out of the car, it was in temper, and like Willelm said - she'd fly away. Think of it as... a group of armed robbers, they successfully make their escape when one runs out the wrong door, gun in plain sight, and gets caught by the police who then go on to catch the rest of the group. That one armed robber caused the rest of the group to get caught - that's why Willelm stopped her from jumping. They both knew she could survive, as it is her power, but he didn't want her to expose herself to the rest of the 'normal' world. Yeah, the storyline will be completed, I can't wait to write the rest of this story. It's the only one I've had a positive comment about, really. So, again, thank you for reading and sharing your views. I love hearing others opinions, and when they benefit me - it's even better, lol. Thank you, both of you. Chin up, Lil.
This is good Lil ... Admittedly it's not a genre that I'm overly keen on so I will not comment on the plot but, aside from the points mentioned by others which I agree with 'in part', I see no problems at all. If you find a decent publisher looking for this kind of story (and it will not be easy) I'm sure you'll have a good chance of getting somewhere with it. Just one thing: don't give in. With love, JV
Aw, I'm graced with your first post? That actually makes me feel happy, lol. And thank you for your review It has given me a bit of hope, but even moreso due to the fact that I think I've improved since this was posted on here... Would you mind if I sent you my more recent story? It's different from this, and a bit longer, but only a page or so... Thank you again, Lil
