Is this just something you go through in your 30's?

Hi
Wondering if anyone else has gone through (or IS going through) something like this. If so, what did you do? How did you make your situation tolerable?
I am a married mom of two teens. My husband and I own a business, where I work 40 + hr a week. I also work a second, part-time job. (My husband only has the one job--our shop.). One kid has a part time job in the summer that he bitches and whines about constantly. Other one babysits occasionally.
I am expected to work all the time, plus work the 2nd job, plus take care of all the laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking etc in our house. I am also responsible for not only working at our store, but also doing the bookkeeping, taking care of our internet sales, any advertising, etc. Anything above and beyond, that is my dept. No one wants to help at my house, and I bitch about it, but it doesn't matter. I finally warned hubby and kids that if things didn't change, I would leave. Things didn't, and I DID end up leaving briefly. (Belive it or not, this was over a poptart.) Which is stupid as hell, but...kids were on computer, or fucking off somewhere. Hubby in living room playing a video game. Me--cleaning--imagine that. Went in kitchen, here is a poptart wrapper on the counter. Not thrown away...that would have involved taking 4 additional steps. Uneaten portion of poptart on counter....not thrown away, see above. Part of poptart on floor...not thrown away, as that would have involved both bending down to pick it up, and then walking 4 steps. Way too much work. Cabinet door where poptarts were kept left open, empty box which had previously contained poptarts left inside. And I just blew up...was like, do I have to breathe for you people, too?!? I was promised things would change when I returned (after lots of tears, begging, and pleasing, including the kids calling my mother in law and getting her involved).
Came home, things were better, but are on the downhill slide. I feel that I have no time for any of my hobbies, etc.
New hobby...me and one of my friends, who has a kid and hubby that drive her nuts, have taken to going out to bars, drinking (this is cheap, as we are reasonably attractive and can get lots of free drinks), drugging, just being immature 30 something assholes. Come home at 3 am often (oh well, I still get up and go to work!) Hubby is annoyed, but doesn't really do anything (preferring to watch tv or play video games).
I am just really frustrated. Started on antidepressants, no relief yet.
Is this just part of getting older? If so, what do you do to make it happier, and where you are not pissed off and psychotic all the time? Do alot of people go through this? Does it get better?
FYI, me and friend are married, college educated women, (not typical bar skanks.) Not that I have a problem with bar skanks hehe.
Any thoughts or feedback are highly appreciated!
Thanks!

 

My wife seems constantly happy and I love her immensely. But I'm not sure she appreciates some of the mental health issues that I go through on a day to day basis. My life is incredibly regimented both career and homewise and for the most part I feel like I handle it well. But when you spend 90-something percent of your existence living for other people, you NEED outlets. Personal appetites differ from person to person although alcohol and sex seem fairly common. For me, the outdoors have always been incredibly helpful. Good luck and keep your eye on the things that really matter in life.

 

NO.

It sounds like you need a "me day".
Plus, the rest of your family need to pull their weight.
Teenagers are capable of putting there washing in a big spinny thing and then turning it on.

 

nope!!! your children are old enough to do chores and tidying up themselves. Consistency family rules etc. What i don't understand is HOW come your bitching. You need to sit down with them and EXPlain listen this is how this is going to go from now on. If this doesn't happen this gets taken away , if your son wants to go to his friends house consequence!! If your husband doesn't want to be on the same pg as you .. you both really need to talk .

HE NEEDS to help out whether or not he works 120 hrs a week. i was once a child in the hospital my dad owned a dry cleaners with over 50 employees and i in the hospital in a different city . He was there every other night to see me.

If your family means that much to him he'd be ther and do that for you . Politely ask him if he can throw the laundry in the washer and you'll throw it in the dryer and the kids can fold it .
I just tell my kids

As long as their room stays clean dishes in the sink wrappers in the garbage etc thats all that matters.

It seems like you need to tell them there needs to be more of a set goal routine set in place for anything to go anywhere and you know what tough shit if the kid didn't clean the room do the dishes sweep the floor its a good thing he sees responsibility because how is he or she going to live in the real world?? Consequences NEED to be set into place and you ned and your husband need to be part of the solution as well.

 

I started washing my laundry when I was 12. I never let my mom touch it anymore, and she doesn't care to. We take care of our own stuff in this house (with the exception of my dad, he doesn't do anything around here except go to work). MAKE your family pull their weight, and if they don't, well they're just going to have to deal with the mess. I think hubby should help you more with the housework since he only works one job. You have THREE. I feel for you. In fact, if I lived near you I'd like to help you out.

 

i feel like such a douche after reading your post, i am probably one of your sons ur name isnt cindy is it. but seriously you need to just tell ur family (try to be as non-bitchy as possible) to get up and do something u wont be there to take care of them forever, well maybe but thats not the point. then u need to find a hobby as an outlet, i know gettin blasted at the bar can be a fun and easy release but after so long this only becomes another problem in wat seems like a long list already

much love

 

No I'm not Cindy lol. Thanks for the replies. It just confirms what I was already feeling---I'm overwhelmed and have too much on my plate. I just wondered if I was imagining it or being a whiner. I need to quit trying to wait on all these people hand and foot.

 

your the sidewalk and, like the sidewalk everyone walks and shits upon you. you like being walked and shitted upon? sure does not sound like it from your post! i can think of several things you can do but, i'll just stick to what i did when i was the sidewalk. i moved across the country and, told no one i was moving or, where. never had any contact with my "family" ever again. i lived homeless for awhile until, i got on my feet. i lived in a golden cage in my parents house. (to this day i still call it their house and, i will never call it a home!) their house was golden but a cage is a cage even if you call it a "home." if it is that bad a with your family just, do what i did but, it sounds bad with your family nowhere, as bad as it was with mine though. i would advise you just go on strike! don't do one god damn thing for anyone else! be selfish as all fuck! sit all day and every day on your ass and play video games and nothing else. let your lazy slacker family take care of themselves for a change. move out for about six months and don't let them know your moving out or where your moving to and, most important of all have no contact with ANY family members at all for six months! when you come back in six months they will all still be alive and well fed. they will do just fine without you. nothing makes me sicker then people being abused! AND YOU ARE BEING USED AND ABUSED BY THEM! so quit it!

 

We've actually had some small improvements in the past week. I had a "laundry strike". Told the kids to do it themselves, I'm sick of washing their shit that they haven't even worn because they are too lazy to put it away; they just dump their clean clothes on the floor with their dirty ones and walk on them, and then drag em back for me to wash. In the past I've actually went into their rooms and refolded their clothes and put them away for them. No more! They are 15 & 17, and I'm not doing it any more. They can do it my way, or wear dirty shit.
I wash my own clothes, I put my own dishes in the dishwasher, and when the mess gets too bad, I am just going to go to one of my friend's houses so I don't have to look at it.
So while things aren't improving quickly, I'm trying to be more forceful and trying to be less of a doormat. I'm sure at this point everyone assumes I'll just get tired of the mess and go back to doing everything, but I'm not going to do it anymore.
Thanks for the encouragement!

 

Shellebelle, you need to be the agent of change for your life. I was married for 10 years and went through much of the same things, one day I just couldn't take it for another minute. Packed my things and left. I know its hard leaving a family but sometimes you have to follow your heart. I'm not saying that leaving is the only option, but as the other folks said you need to let your family know that your bullshit meter is at an all time high, and if things don't change, they will force you to do something drastic.

As we grew and took on the role of spouse and parent, it's sometimes hard to see ourselves anyother way. We tend to lose our sense of self. Keep your chin up. We are here for you if you need support.

 

I have a few things to say.
The first is that you do a lot for your family and kudos to you for working so hard. You must really love your kids.
Second, you should never threaten leaving your kids. That is very psychologicaly abusive. It shows them that your love is conditional on how they perform. I know you are busy and stressed, but please remember they are kids. You are their guide on how to be healthy and productive adults.
Your husband is another story...he sounds like he is not pulling his fair share of the load. Would you guys condider a therapist to go and talk to or maybe a behavioralist to come into your house and help everyone?
What would happen if you quit your part-time job? Would you still be able to pay the basic bills (not including cable and cell phones for all)?
I know when I go into homes to counsel families the first issue that comes up is work load distribution. I usually have the family make a list of how much they think they do and how much other family members think they do. Afterwards, we disregard discrepensies and everyone has vented. Then it is time to make a task (chore) chart for every family member, including parents. I include going to work, paying the bills (the physical act of paying them)-everything so each family member knows exactly what is expected of them.
A good thing to keep in mind when doing this is that everything has to be age-appropriate, including consequences and tasks for your kids. Never should children be expected to contribute to the household bills nor should they be expected accept that their mother leaving them is a possible consequence. It has been proven that for kids under ten consequences over a day are ineffective and for teenagers consequences over three days are ineffective.
I am in no way saying you don't have the right to be frustrated. Your husband sounds like he is being a lazy ass. Worst case scenario you stay till the kids are 18, get a divorce and just worry about you.

 

Thanks for your response. I am seeing a counselor now, I started last week. I also started on Wellbutrin and have Xanax for those occasions where I'm about ready to blow my cork.
Our kids are 15 & 17, and I do think they need to be doing more around the house, especially in light of all the shit I do for them on a daily basis. I mean, they heat up hot pockets and leave all the wrappers and shit laying around on the counter, or they do shit like you come home and a container of ice cream will have been left out on the counter all day and is melted all over. Another thing they do is not let the dogs out, and then they shit in the house. Right by the back door. I'm considering a doggy door.
The counselor I went to suggested the chore chart also, and I am trying to figure out what to assign to everyone so it will be fair.
Our business is actually picking up quite a bit, and I'm considering quitting my part time job. I kind of hate to, because I've been there 10 years and it's what I went to college for, but sanity is more important than money.
Also, hubby is helping more, and helping to get after the kids when they make a mess or screw up. And being more loving. We had a big blowup a couple of weeks ago where I announced that I wanted to move out, and things between he and I have been...if not perfect, at least a hell of a lot better than they've been in years. He's even telling me that he loves me occasionally, which he hasn't done in at least 10 years.
I don't really like my antidepressants and hope to be off them soon, and I REALLY don't like the Xanax, which makes me very tired. But I'm thinking there's light at the end of the tunnel.