Am I doing the right thing?

Hello everyone. First off I am new to this forum but from what I have read it seems like a very nice place to come. I don't usually discuss situations in my life with anyone but I really need some help looking down deep to figure out if I am making a big big mistake or if I should have gone with my first instincts in the first place. This is going to be rather long but I will try not to get to indepth to bore everyone and I will answer questions.

Ok Here goes!!

To start I was married for 23 years and had 3 great boys..... However my marriage crumbled, I feel due to the fact that we got married so young, (17) and started a family right away. We are still very good friends but strictly platonic now. During my first marriage I met someone else and that basically hurried the end of what had already ended emotionally many years prior. I talked to this man for over a year on the internet, finally met him, continued talking for several months and meeting for almost a year before there was ever anything intimate.... Anyway I left my husband of 23 years and filed for a divorce... I thought I had met the best thing that could have ever happened to me... He was strong, confident.. I adored him and loved him with all my heart.... For 2 years he told me he had never been married... didn't have kids.... after my divorce was filed... he told me in fact he was married and had 3 kids.... I told myself that this didn't matter.... but deep down it did.... but he finally filed for and divorced his wife... A year later we got married.... but it only lasted 3 months... We got in this huge fight... He told me to leave so I did... and well I divorced him.... we reconsiled... and lived together for 2 years after that..... and again remarried... during this relationship... he chased away my family... my kids... who adored him in the beginning but because of things he has done and said to them over the years now hate him.... He kept me at his side 24-7.... I couldn't even go to the grocery store with out having a time limit.... I couldnt' spend time with my kids, friends or family.... If I wanted to do something without him.. even christmas shopping it was a fight and I had a curfew...

After being married and living together for over 3 years... I found out that not only was he married and lied about that.... Well when he told me he was still married he also told me about his first wife and oldest son and still had 2 teenagers at home.... Some paper work came in the mail a few weeks after we got married that he owed big money for back child support for kid #4... that I knew nothing about... We are now almost 5 years into our relationship of on again and off again.... and in came another letter for child #5, and Wife #3.... more lies.... but because I don't tell him every thing I am doing when we are broke up I am the liar... He is very abusive verbally...

So I guess... to try to make this a little shorter with out pointing total fingers at him... because I know I am not perfect... I could have done things differently... but my trust issues with him are completely broken... and not because he lied to me... but because he accusses me of doing things that I am not or have not done... he throws things in my face daily that he says I lied about.... but I really didn't.... So my trust issues are that we can't have a normal relationship... he will forever accuse me.... control me... keep me away from people that I love dearly....He says all this can change and that he is a changed man... Maybe he is... Maybe losing me because of all this has made him change..... But on the other hand maybe it hasn't??

I do love him with all my heart...And I do miss him.... We have been seperated since January.... and he tries to get me to come back every day.... but he is like jekyl and hyde.... one minute he is all nice and the next minute he is calling me some very bad names.... Do I give this one more shot?? Or do I just file the divorce papers and get it over with?? Any advice is deeply appreciated.... Thank you.. Everyone for such a great site.

 

File the divorce papers and run.

 

hes an abuser and a chronic liar, DO NOT go back to him

 

You abadoned your children for this tool? Yeah, maybe you should file for divorce, and actually stay divorced. Learn to live w/o a man, and realize your relationship with your family may never possibly be the same.

 

OMG hun, just read your post from a 3rd party perspective, and you NEED TO RUN! This guy is BAD NEWS! All thoes kids and wives you didn't know about and his abuse! That is so freakin' rediculous! Get the hell out! Cut off all contact with him! Thank god you didn't have any children with him! GET OUT NOW! I know you say you love him, LOOK WHAT HE HAS DONE TO YOU, get the frig out, and do it now!

AND IF YOU DON'T LEAVE - YOU HAVE NOONE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF - FOR LETTING HIM RUIN YOUR LIFE AND RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FAMILY!

SO don't let him control you anymore, get out!

 

run. run long, hard and fast. don't look back.

 

Thank you all... My gut told me to run a long long time ago... let me tell you a little more about me.....I am 44 years old.. My kids are all grown and have lives of their own... I have a limited education. I have been married my entire life... I have never had to work if I didn't want to so a career at this point in my life is almost impossible.. I have had door after door shut in my face. Even though I Ran my own business for 4 years.
I also feel like any other relationship in the future is impossible.... Are all guys like this one?

 

wow. Master Manipulator. Love huh? well, you already did the hardest part. stick with it. No one deserves to miserable. The control part is sickening.

 

LOL Hilder.... I have pretty much turned to stone... but I have to say it is pretty lonely and scary under this rock. LOL

 

it's a hard place to be, i sympathize. just being out of the work force for 6 years makes it hard to get a job ANYWHERE. keep your chin up and be strong.

 

toootally different kinda stone . I have had my fair share of man problems, and even I can tell you that not all men are like that. I would tell you to be patient.. the right man wil come along, but I wont, because I dont believe it myself. Be a strong woman by yourself as we are designed to be. Im sorry about you not being able to get a career, but plenty pf people go to college or a vocational school later in life. best of luck. remember, you dont need a man holding you back to feel validated.

 

There is more to this story.... During our relationship and marriage. We purchased a home, campers, boats, expensive prints, and some land.... Which we also purchased a moble home and set my Dad up on this land....The land that we purchased was from my Aunt who purchased it from her aunt in the late 70's and has been in my family for more than 50 years. He wants me to walk away from everything. We also created a half million dollar business together that I have to walk away from. But my biggest concern is the land that my dad lives on. Keeping him living there and keeping it in the family once he has passed on. We both promised my Aunt that we would always keep it in the family. I am afraid in a court battle the judge will order it sold.... any advice on this?

 

your family owned that before yall got married. he shouldnt be able to touch it. Research your state's divorce laws and see what they say.

 

In the state of Iowa it could go either way. All depends on the mood of the judge. I have been told that because it has been in my family for all these years, and the amount of equity we have to trade the judge could award it to me. But I have also been told that because we purchased it together while we were married the judge could order it sold or order one or the other of us to buy the other out. However, had it not been for me he never could have gotten his hands on it... I on the other hand could have bought it with out knowing him... it could get pretty touchy and sticky... and I am scared to death to lose that land... If he gets the land he will just sell it because that is what he is about... turning a penny.... He doesnt' want me to have anything.... Even my clothes... I am a hunteress and he won't let me have my mounts because he thinks he paid for them... it is just a major mess and I really don't think I should just roll over... heck just this morning he got all upset (nice word) because I took my fishing pole... Then he calls me a piece of work...

I want to thank you all so much for letting me get all this off my chest... I really haven't had anyone to talk to this about and it does feel good to just get it all out.... and you are all a lot of help... I am so glad I found this site...and other women to talk to.

 

he wants to KEEP YOUR mounts? wtf? is he gonna tell people HE took them down? where's the man-pride? pfft. dave would have a hell of a battle on his hands if he tried, except he wouldn't ever. lol.

the land, well, be kind, be gentle, be firm. appeal to his sense of honor. however, if he's willing to take YOUR trophies of a successful hunt, it may be difficult.

 

No i think he wants to keep mounting he.... oh nevermind. yeah I would never keep KC's mounts. She'll need them to find a man worth his salt. No homo liberal types. oops did i just say that.

 

seeing as how many of your friends are homo liberals, i find myself guffawing.

 

Talk to a lawyer.

 

Who? me?

 

yes.