I think I am slowly slipping into insanity

Thanks. But I know my biggest problems lie in my own head and with the xanax. Like I said though, small doses of xanax(about 4-6mg) do nothing but help me, while large doses send me into self-destruct mode. I never notice the change, as I am too fukt up when it happens, but I can feel it when the xanax wears off and it doesn't go away until I have a couple of days of getting really stoned; even then, it only goes away for a short time, but it's better than nothing.

 

Yeah. I know what you mean, but I can honestly say that weed has been nothing but good to me.

Thanks for the kind words.

 

Wow, I'm really glad I read this. I get nearly the same thing when my life gets stressful. I'll finally lay my head on my pillow after a long day just to see images and thoughts of my girlfriend dying, insects crawling out of my parents eyes, car crashes, the floor failing out from underneath me, being shot, chemical wars and the list goes on. It's so fucking overwhelming and I find it really really hard sometimes to "get myself out of my head". I know this isn't the case with you, but marijuana intensifies these feelings for me usually.

Things I've found that helps tremendously is exercise and meditation. After a good run or workout, its a lot easier for me to just zone out and ignore all the racing thoughts. Meditation helps a lot for me when I feel like my thoughts are going to get uncontrolable. I just picture everything in my brain emptying onto the floor and evaporating.

I really hope things improve for you, I know how overwhelming it can feel.

 

Thanks Stella. Yeah that does seem pretty similar to what happens to me. I have just been stressed the fuck out about everything and about the fact that nothing is working out like it needs to. I haven't even been able to talk to Kari since the beginning of this month because they don't have a phone at their new house yet, and that shit just puts all kinds of crazy thoughts into my head. I've been having crazy ass dreams about not being able to get high, regardless of how much I smoke, and murdering family members I haven't seen since christmas. Plus, I barely talk to ANYONE all day, aside from my weedman sometimes, and it just fuckin sucks to be alone with all this shit running through my head. I keep imagining the worst possible outcome for every situation and not even acknowledging the good things in life. I just feel empty, I guess you could say. No emotion, whatsoever, aside from some intense anger and anxiety, unless I'm stoned. When I get stoned, these thoughts and feelings subside for a while and I am happy, for a change.

 

My point exactly

 

Whatever it is, it sounds to me that you have the drive and dedication needed to get over it. You usually seem pretty laid back, is there something you're not addressing or anything you haven't quite come to terms with? This could be the problem, I have no idea, but I'm sure you will be perfectly fine in time. I wish you all the best, although I doubt you'll need it. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, you should be ok after awhile.

 

I have to add, if when you take enough xanax you go into "self-destruct mode" why do you do it? What you need to do is evaluate why you subconsciously want to destroy yourself.

It's not uncommon, Jim Morrison was said to do the exact same thing with alcohol. Ray Manzarek, his partner noticed this in Morrison, in fact, the whole band did. To some effect he did sabotage his career as a musician, although when it comes down to it he was a poet, something he partook in until his death.

What you have to look at, Brian, is why you feel like you need to undo everything you've accomplished in your life. Is the xanax really worth who you are? I think you are at a crossroads my friend and you need to choose the right path. I care about you man, you are a valuable asset to the Hip Forums, especially the marijuana forum.

I have a great deal of respect for you, my man, I would hate to see you brought down by one of your vices. You're stronger than that, maybe you need a creative outlet for your feelings. Poetry can be very therapeutic, believe me, I know, channeling your thoughts and feelings in an artistic way can help you cope. If you do decide to express yourself creatively and blow off some steam, I'd love to see what you've come up with.

There is nothing you can't accomplish if you want to, the human mind is the most valuable tool known to existence, use it. I still think you're smart enough to know you need help and I'm sure you'll be ok. I want you to know that I care and I have alot of confidence in your getting better.

 

Yeah really take a little breake from drugs, just to see how things will be going. if nothing changes then at least you'll know it's not the drugs.

Unluckily I am going through a bad period too. Seems like excessive use of pot has awaken in me a very strong social anxiety disorder which got dramatically worse during the last two weeks. I am no longer able to feel confortable unless I'm alone and I mean even with close friends who I know from 5+ years. When in a group of ppl I start getting anxiety and panic attacks so strong to the point where start shivering sometimes. When in public places I feel like everyone is watching and I'm so tense I am not even to walk as I normally would. This last two weeks have been a real hell for me. My friends must think I must be going crazy since they witnessed 3 of panic attacks. I got prescribed some ant' depressants so I hope these work out and fast coz I dunno how much longer I can take a living hell like this.

I used not to believe ppl claiming that weed could wake up dormant psycological disorders..... now I do.

 

Wow. Thanks man. I actually do write poetry, from time to time, but I've had writer's block for a few months now. I think I just need to trip my nuts off and sort shit out.

 

That not going to anything but make things worse... you need to stop fuckin with drugs.. sorry but thats whats making you crazy. Cheers buddy :hat:

 

I only have some small advices you can try, but I hope they can improve your situation in any way at all. A basic one is try to constantly reassure yourself the idea's and images you see are not what you are or really want, your mind often shows you things you fear or stronly disaprove of as a way of making sure you won't do those things as they make you aware. This phenomenon has a name, but I forgot and currently can't be arsed to look it up. Sorry for that, but basically: don't put too much value in the thoughts and don't hold them for true in even the tiniest way.
Also; try and see more people, it seems like a strange thing to do but talking to others tends to sort your head out faster. Talk about every day things, slip out of the nasty state and go back into a laid back social normal one, talk about things that make you laugh, distract and you'll see it makes you feel better afterwards too.
I also want to comment on the weed thing, (in between: quit / seriously use less xanax); the weed itself doesn't neccisairily make it worse just by smoking it, but it can in another way. Typically weed gives an 'its ok' feeling, meaning whatever problem/stress/negative emotion you have, you can still reach it, but it just looses the impact. That feels really, really nice, but is the wrong reason to smoke weed mostly because it covers up your real problems. You'll never face anything and to move on facing stuff helps. For that reason I'd say slightly cut down, and try to wait as long as possible with smoking when you do not feel ok, connect to the problem first, let it come over you and when it naturally gets less, thén smoke a spliff. If its too bad for that, just cut down on the amounts, but do try and work with your problems instead of covering them up. It can be really hard, but if you can confront problems in a trip, you should be able to confront them sober.
If you by the way, really are schizofrene or getting there: cutting down is neccisairy too. I read a paper on that the amount you smoke adds a lot to the impact. If a schizophrene person smokes a few bowls / joints a week that person will usually not trigger more psychosis then a fully sane person, but if you smoke every day or big amounts in once it typically gets a lót worse, so on that point cutting down would be a good idea too.
Then I'd say try to find the source of it, see what you can do about it, take action and do not leave things, the more problems the harder it is to take action but the more rewarding when you actually do.

As a last thing: never give up, things can and will get better; I'm sure that in a while, I can't tell how long as I do not know your situation, you will be fine, you'll feel good, only see nice images and smoke the weed for extra pleasure and not to have short feelgood moments in between the negative moments.

I hope you feel mentally fine soon.

 

^^ I didn't read that but holy shit... O_O

 

In my view, this is what seems to be happenening.

Shitty stuff in life --> Feelings/thoughts inside you --> Anxiety about those feelings/thoughts.

The stuff in your mind is there because you are focusing on how you feel about life issues rather than the life issues themselves. You are adding a layer of meaning to the situation that is guarranteed to be bad and that need not exist. Simply deal with the shitty stuff in your life and keep in mind the way that stuff makes you feel is normal, and is not important. You're gonna feel all kinds of crazy emotions and have all kinds of crazy thoughts before you shuffle off this mortal coil, it doesn't make YOU crazy or bad or anything at all, except too analytical .

Hope I haven't misunderstood...

Cheers

 

There's a lot of great advice on this thread, but I posted it a long time ago when a bunch of crazy shit was going on in my life; ie legal troubles, relationship problems, and possible homelessness. I'm doing a lot better now. I'm still a little fukt up in the head, and I'm sure I always will be, but I think the xanax played a big part in bringing it to the surface for a little while because of how much I had been taking at that point. I have only taken xanax once over the past couple of months, and it was only 2mg. Of course I still smoke weed, but that's a given:sifone:

 

awsome... don't take xanax anymore... just smoke weed... then eventually quit! then get a hott chick marry her, have kids, raise them, get old, die... and if you did right you will go to heaven or if you did bad you will go to hell... k.

peace out man

 

Oh I'm going to hell. Of that I'm certain. haha Seriously though, I don't ever see myself ever NOT smoking weed. I may be wrong, but I'm probably(hopefully) gonna be stoned on my deathbed. And I still like xanax and I'll still take it if I get in the mood and can get some, but I'm just not gonna put myself in a situation where I have A LOT of them to take. I only buy 4-6mg for the night. That way, I don't go overboard because I don't have anymore to take. That's the reason I've never allowed myself to get prescribed xanax for my anxiety/panic disorder, because I know it wouldn't end pretty.

BTW, I think I was fukt up as hell on some xanax when I posted this thread. I can tell because of my word usage and also because of all the typos. lol

 

a cool quote from a very cool, old friend:

''I Dont suffer from Insanity, I enjoy every Moment of it.''

My Motto of the day

 

Yeah it is kinda nice feeling the way I feel. Or maybe it's just liberating to acknowledge that I feel the way I feel.

 

that reminds me.. LOl, you know im haungover. Not good to function full time. Cant focus. But I blame it on smoking tobacco nonstop while tripping.. As you said too how you can smoke alot. If nothing else drags you out. Cut out what does. Im doing good, Havent smoked since I came home.. Dont have none.. LOL. but I did dig out a butt from the ash tray.
And that nasty butt taste reminded me not to run out and get more.
SO Im really kinda high right now.. Im gona break the chain on this tabacoo one way or another. I cant afford to feel Like Ive been hit in the chest and all dizzy. I think the cig crutch leads to more depression and stress since you cant have one when you need one...
If you cant cut out one nasty habit then try another. everything is all connected in some way to your health.. fix you health fix yourslef...:cheers2:good luck..

 

The only thing that you Should do is go to your doctor, STOP ALL DRUGS and realise that The demons, you see are NOT real And will NOT hurt you. Any thought of self harm and hurting family are just part of the illness and is also NOT real. it is important that you realise this, and tell yourself this, and to tell yourself to not act on any of these thoughts or images.

Going to a Doctor will not make you classed as a nut, he will simply refer you to a psycologist who will evalute your case and put you on the relevent medicine, to correct the chemicals on your brain. you have a chemical imbalance.

You will be Fine and back to normal(doesnt sound too late to correct) if you do what i said.

I am speaking from experiance, as a young teen went throught exactly the same thing. and ended up hospitilised because i thought it was all real. i am Good now and not on any medication, and of sound mind

heed my warning if you do not act now you could end up sectioned for years. and will be fucked for the rest of your life.

If you want to talk send me a message

:cheers2::cheers2: