Tonight The night Is full Of young spring lovers. The moon is dampened With a gauze of pollution. Faces are undefined from a lack of light And blurred From an excess of study. A girl with waist long hair rises on her toes, Momentarily, In anticipation of Someone. A bicycle creaks by. In front of the library Globes of light Border the grass, Fresh cut that afternoon. You carry half a watermelon in your hands. The bare flesh of The cut face faces upwards. The thick smooth skin Pushes its weight Against your palms, Rounded Like a skull.
here is my workshop of your poem: make the first three lines one line, "tonight the night is full" merge the two first stanzas together, "tonight the night is full/ of young spring lovers./ the moon is dampened/ by a gauze of pollution" - two contradicting images "young lovers" "damp pollution" introducing the poem, sets the tone take unnecessary words out of third stanza: "a" "an" fourth stanza: watch your line integrity, i'd try: A girl with waist long hair/ rises on her toes, momentarily,/ in anticipation of someone. i like "a bicycle creaks by." on its own line, it interrupts the scene, just as it does in reading it, it works fifth stanza (after bike): love it, the first line "in front of the library" plays off the bike line well, and the rest is just a good simple image, sensory. sixth: try, "you carry a half cut watermelon/ in your hands. the bare flesh of the cut face/ faces upward." -- also, the "you" is intriguing, is the "you" the "someone" who the "girl" anticipates; who is this "you" and why is "you" carrying a watermelon? which leads me to stanza seven: not really liking it, is it the thick skin that's pushing it against "you"'s palms -- no, it's not, it's just the weight of the watermelon itself: try "its weight/ pushed against your arms,/ rounded like a skull/ ..." i put that ellipsis there b/c at least with that suggestion of the stanza (but also the original stanza itself) doesn't seem to end the poem i get that it's just a walk, that it's just observation, and i like that, []but give me something to really walk away (excuse the pun) with its weight pushed against your palms, rounded like a skull [is heavy][is meaningful][metaphor of some kind] [] ^ forget all that, i read it again i really dig this poem, where it's going, and what it's about, i legitimately enjoyed it, thus i had to workshop it also, not every word at the beginning of a line NEEDS to be capitalized, although this is more often than not a stylistic choice, i suggest giving it a try (not capitalizing every beg. word) and see if you like it or not
I really enjoyed this but I would have to say that I didn't think 'dampened' and 'gauze' went well together. Good stuff though.
i have to agree that i like what this poem is about, but for me the poem really started with "you carried half a watermelon in your hands"...the last two stanzas is where i found the most evocative imagery. the way you worded it gives it kind of a sinister feel...you might want to try starting with the end of the poem and rewriting it, you mite be surprised by what you get...
