I feel like I am in metamorphosis. It is an exhilarating feeling, yet I feel I am grieving what I am leaving behind. I am a place of change, a welcomed place, but a change nonetheless. I have come so far, and what is truly emerging is my inner primitive/wild woman. I have been doing some reading on that subject. Books like "Women Who Run With The Wolves" and "A Whistling Woman is Up To No Good". I don't believe those books were sought out, but came to me because it was time. I feel so much. I am truly in an different state of consciouness. When I close my eyes I can feel the energy twirl, twirl around me, and I ride its waves. I feel my awareness is altered. I feel like I am coming from the shadows, I can feel the ego lose hold. I want to love freely, I want to give what I can, I want to truly listen, I want to say no when I need to, yes when I want to. Just yesterday my friend told me I belong in the wildflowers, and I found it so interested she used that example because I had been writing about how this person emerging does not miss a meadow full of wildflowers, the chance to swim naked in a river in the moonlight, the touch of dew on her feet, to wade in water, to run in forests. To feel it all, all textures, all emotions, as they are, not how I construct them to be. I want to dance, dance, dance. Although I feel there is so much beauty in all of this, I am in mourning. I am allowing myself to mourn freely (to feel freely), because only by working through this can something else takes it's place. I am mourning what I am giving up. I am mourning parts of my old self. I am mourning parts of my old life, the familiarity. I am confused about one thing (although, I am leaving it up to the universe, I believe in her hands, she will care for me). I am in a relationship with a man who I love, but I believe we are growing apart. I feel like he inadvertently holds me back, and he hates to do so, and I'm afraid to let him go. He gives me the freedom I need, he is wonderful like that. I feel the need to flee, not from him, or from my life, but I feel like I am on air, or water, and I'm going where it goes. I see myself in the future and I love how it is, but it's painful to get there. I am afraid of making a mistake, mostly because I feel this person emerging and it's so new parts are hard to understand. I have the clarity to see where I could be making mistakes, at least. For instance, the need to feel so fully, to feel everything, is very sensual. I have also been feeling VERY creative, I have been having trouble sleeping because so much is pouring from me. I am feeling the need to make love, but with the world. It is leaving me feeling sexually frustrated in the relationship I am in. I understand that I am expressing my creativity in sexual ways, and that it does not necessarily need to manifest itself that way. I can make lovein other ways, but have not learned how. I am looking for guidance. I know this is universal, the point where change is unstoppable and the best you can do is surrender. I want to hear your experiences, I want to hear your advice. I just want to hear.
Nothing holds us back but ourselves ... our fears, uncertainty ect. He is not holding you back and you don't need to leave him to change. Raise awareness and look deeper.
Well, that is what I mean by he gives me the freedom I need. He leaves it up to me, our paths are just different in some ways. I want to be of the land, traveling, I'm interested in homesteading. He wants to live in the city. I know he does not hold me back, I know I create this.
Thanks. Most people tend to blame everything but themselves, make excuses for themselves. I do it too but an alternative perspective can remind us and i'm coming into a place right now myself where i need to own my life path, stop stalling and making excuses. Accepting the situation 'as is' and going from there. We do indeed walk alone but sometimes find someone walking alongside, for as long as our paths coincide ... and to meet a partner sharing our path is a gift indeed but still need to go it alone because nobody else can do it for us and we can't do it for someone else. It's funny how you both want, almost opposite lifestyles. I remember my mother and her husband looking to buy a new house ... he wanted a place on the hills and mountains and she wanted a place near the sea. She won over in the end, but still ... the hills and mountains are only a short drive away. I suppose what i'm getting at is that where opposites are concerned, compromise is essential, but hey, if you two can part happily with no love lost, then everything is still good.. Your 1st relationship is the one which you have with yourself, because this is the relationship that all others mirror. I kinda feel prompted to mention this too. - Did you ever read 'The mists of Avalon'? No? Well basically in the story there's a kind of pagan sect and a kind of christian sect... both sides coveting the grail as the source of their truth as opposed to the other. One time when both sects were gathered in a hall together, the grail appears, profound and dazzling and declares that it represents neither party yet connects both ... common ground. - And so it represents the center, between but beyond both pagan and christian (poly/mono), female and male (typically) perspectives. Heaven and Earth are reconciled. All is one. Anyway, all the best ... it sounds like you and your man have some deep listening and communicating ... and loving, to do. Oh ... heck i tried reading 'Women that run with the wolves' once. As a man, i cringe at 'womens spirituality' (and have a giggle about it with a mate to make ourselves feel better .... safer ). Parts were interesting but i never read it all ... too big a book and too many tiny words! 'The white goddess' by Robert Graves is a great book of that sort though .. i think you'd like it.
It sounds like your going through the ascension process, Advaya. I'ts a long and difficult process, but it's one of transformational beauty. I'm currently going through it and can relate to many of the problems/feelings your facing. Just never give up and stay dedicated to the change. It will be so worth the growing pains once you get to the other end of the tunnel.
Yeah i can relate to this, kinda bitter-sweet eh? Yet all you are letting go of is the past and it's projected future. Nothing but a memory. Learn where your 'reset' button is and practice resetting yourself regularly to your new awareness. Trade in the old for the new original ... the you that you always were but forgot. Be vigilant, honest and sincere and take it one step at a time. ACTING on your new awareness simply increases awareness. - don't forget the reset button. It's always there when you need it ... as is everything else
