Will it ever stop hurting

I completely love a straight guy. I knew it wasn't going to work out well. I started trying to find things in his personality that made him gay, made a world for myself where he was gay and loved me secretly. We were absolutely best friends like #1 on myspace, talk to each other every day, see each other constantly friends

I loved everything about him, he seemed absolutely perfect. He was beautiful and I couldn't think of anyone else in this world more beautiful. He was a musician, funny, all of it. Seconds after he left my side I missed him it was an obsession. Well I might as well tell you my story.

For 3 1/2 years of my life I was suicidal. There was one girl in the world I could talk to and no be bullied but we weren't exactly friends. I didn't know what a friend was. Well it had gotten to a point where I had made a few attempts but I knew that I was a few days from going through with it. Well this boy I didn't know was going on a field trip with me over the weekend and told me he wanted to room with me.

It wasn't much, we didn't talk for more than a few minutes, he didn't hug me or tell me everything was ok but it was something. It felt like there was one person in the world who wanted to know me. Something I hadn't felt in all my life outside of my family. I didn't think it was a permanent happiness but it made me not kill myself.

So I didn't talk to him besides a greeting in the hallway or so but it still made up for being bullied every day. There was just something about him. Well when we finally went on the field trip we kind of got to know each other. On the bus ride I sat next to him and he made me laugh the whole time. I listened to music with him

normally people got annoyed by me but he didn't. It was like a friendship was born from nothing. And while he was around people left me alone, they talked to him but didn't bully me around. One person tried and I was defended by him. We had never met before but we got along perfectly and it felt good. As soon as he was out of earshot other people came to make fun of me but when he was back it didn't even seem to matter.

Afterwards we didn't really talk for the rest of the year. Mostly just because we had no classes together. It was the end of my depression and suicidal thoughts. He single handedly saved my life.

9th grade rolled around and I had lost weight. Close to 50 pounds. My voice also changed. This year the only class I had with my new friend was lunch for the 1st semester. We only saw each other for 15 minutes but we had so much fun together. He kept trying to invite me to things like his church but I had recently lost God in my life and was afraid to go. One day I finally decided to go with him to a video game night.

It was the first party that I had ever been to. We had a lot of fun together at it and this is when we started to get closer. Soon after I made a myspace and he was immediately on my top and I was immediately on his.

2nd semester we had 2 classes together. We were constantly talking in both of them and it was all I looked forward to. We eventually started walking to each other houses after school and this is when I started to realize I had feelings for him (I'm bi). He was so beautiful and one day I saw him in his boxers and his body was perfect. But I contained my feelings

Sometimes I wondered if he was gay but I always knew he was straight. I still feel in love with him. I couldn't name a single thing I'd change about him except for him to love me like I love him.

Eventually it got to a point where we were best friends with each other. He was one of the few people who's cell phone number I knew and we were on each other's speed dial, number one on myspace, talked to each other pretty much every day. The second thing he invited me to was to a carnival with his church. I went and got introduced to like 100 of his friends cuz damn hes as popular as he is hot.

We gave each other piggy back rides around the whole time. After that day I still didn't go to his church but it gave me an idea of how much fun he really did have with me. We were both laughing at least 80% of the time. I realized that he considered me as good of a friend as I considered him. We were like brothers...except I wanted to commit incest.

When summer rolled around we had gotten to know each other really well. I realized we were completely opposites. He was a 10/10 i was a 4/10 at best. He played guitar but I couldn't hold a rhythm. I told perverted jokes and he had virgin ears/mouth/eyes.

After the first day of summer we didn't see each other for about a month. He was busy with work. I called him but he never picked up or responded to texts. He 'lost' an invitation to a party I was going to see him at. The only times I talked to him was for 90 second periods. He kept texting me "ill talk to you later tonight" when I asked to talk to him but he never did. I was a complete mess with no one to talk to. I had friends this year now thanks to him giving me my self confidence but no one close enough to talk to about it.

The one causing my pain was the only one who could fix it. Eventually I did find one friend who I came out to and she understood. I became her bi. She was my shoulder to cry on the one I talked to about how hot he was. Finally I could vent and I was glad. Thankfully, I did end up getting an invite to a party with him. And even better it was a swim party yum!

Even with all the worry I had that I was losing him it all melted away as soon as I saw him. In a few minutes he took off his shirt and went swimming and Damn it was perfect. I wanted to bury my head in his chest forever but a few times I did get to touch it without him suspecting anything. Lets just say thats its okay for any1 to caress him and he hates it but at we all love it.

When the day ended I went over to his house for a few hours and was going to tell him how I felt but chickened out and when I went back home it was the same thing again. He had invited me one last time to his church before I left and I agreed if he could pick me up so in the end he had saved my life, my soul, and changed me for the better.

Well he didn't save my soul the first time. He in fact forgot about me on his way to church and I lay in bed crying again. Feeling like I had still lost my best friend again and my crush. I sent him in a text message how I felt and the next day he made up for it. Since then we've spent time together constantly.

Without knowing hes played with my heart. If we're sitting there on the sofa he would reach out to hold my hand only to pull back at the last moment. When I put my head down on a desk he would rub my arm to wake me up. There were a few moments when he would just look me in the eyes for a minute or longer at a time and part of me told myself to move closer but when I did he looked away.

I was so heartbroken and frustrated. I tried to convince myself he was gay but knew it wasn't true. It didn't stop me from thinking it. About two days ago he was staying over for the first time. (I've been at his house before but he hasn't been at mine). We got home at about 1 (were at another pool party yum) and as I was walking with him inside told him how he had saved me from suicide. While almost crying I thanked him for being my best friend and at the same time we hugged each other. I told him how I owed him my life and he said he felt the same. We must have been there for 5 minutes just hugging each other neither of us saying lets go and I started crying. He was there still not saying anything and I was glad to have someone like him in my life. To this day I don't think anyone will be a greater friend and I doubt I'll love anyone more but hey I'm young.

So when we finally got inside to my room I was still kind of crying but it was more like controlled silent tears. Well for awhile we watched videos and laughed. He was going on a vacation and I wouldn't see him for a week after this. Before we went to bed I told him how I had a crush that I was sad because I had to give them up since they would never love me back. He guessed 3 girls before asking (I had told about 4 people I was bi and no one else figured it out as quickly) if it was a girl. I was completely silent and sat on the floor while he layed on my bed. "It's cool if it isn't" He said. So I confessed that I was bi

The next thing he said was that he was straight. There it was my dreams were shattered. I had built up the hope that he was gay and it was completely destroyed. He was still my friend and the only one who could fix the hurt but also the only one who caused it in the first place. Not that I blame him I was setting myself up to get hurt. Well the next thing he asked was if it was him and I told him yes. He told me how that was cool and that he didn't care that I was still like a brother. Not once did he act freaked out and I knew he wasn't. From that moment on I wouldn't be able to play the caress his body game or anything like that but I could be comforted by him. I still love him the same way though. Like a brother and well you know. Theres NO ONE else I could even imagine dating. Not a guy or girl I know besides him. The next morning he gave me a hug and I thanked him for still being here for me. It just hurts so bad that I love him so much. He knows and still cares about me but doesn't feel the same. Will it ever stop? Hes the only one who can make me feel happy again but as soon as he leaves my side depression grips me. Not the kind I had before I knew him, the greatest gift he gave me was cleansing me of that forever but knowing I feel so strongly for him much more than anyone else and he can't do anything but be my friend. Will it ever stop hurting. I wish love was more convienent but right now I just feel SO sad.

 

oh my gosh......u described my worst fear. Dude i am the same as you (see my forum entitles "Totally Hopeless" in the coming out and confused section. I am in love with this guy n he's straight, but i totally understand what you mean with the looks n how sometimes he acts kinda gay and how i built this fantasy world where he was gay n secretly loved me......i used to retreat into that world very often....oh gosh, u desribed my worst fear........read my forum, maybe it will help u to kno that someone else is going thru something similar....good luck dude

btw, did u ever think that he may be gay but since he's really into church n religion that he thinks that he has to deny himself? the guy i like is also very religious, but he's a muslim...a HOT muslim man! read my forum, it's explained there, poorly, but c if u follow...

ur post touched me alot....u r def one of the ppl whom i think is very similar to me...dont worry dude, it'll be okay in the end....u have to think that! but u can take the time to mourn....it's only natural

I met my straight guy last yr n i kno him for less than a yr but still we r close. i knew he was straight, but a part of me was thinking that maybe he was secretly gay and i kept lookin for proof in his actions. i think i made myself see it. Honestly, i still think he is gay....lol i'm delusional....during the early stages of our friendship i was happy, happy that i was getting to kno this guy who i looked up to and admired. He's hot, goodlooking,extremely popular, religious n just a good guy, not the type of guy i usually associate with. But i was happy for a while. Then i realized that my attractions for him grew into what i ithink is love. It also became that same obsession thing u talk about. I think about him every second of every day. he's impacted my life so much, that i sorta started to act, sound n talk like him. Everytime i do something, i subconsciously think, "what would he do?" "would he be proud of me if i do this in this situation?" then he told me he had a g/f. I was crushed.....i was heartbroken, my delusion of his being gay seriously became nearly nonexistent. So the rest of the time i knew him, i was really depressed bc somewhere deep down, even tho i was hoping he was gay, knew that he was really straight. liek i said b4, even as i am typing this now, i still think he is gay, but in denial...I spent most of my time in the library by myself listening to sum really depressing music on my laptop. It got so bad that i started to show....i just stopped wanting to hang out, my grades were falling and i was just lookin depressed all the time. ppl kept on asking me if things were okay with me n i would force a smile and say yeah they r! he noticed as well, the start of 2nd semester. I kept on telling him i would tell him soon what was bothering me and i did. nearing the end of the semester b4 exams, i came out to him...

i think i've typed enough, u can read the forum....lol....i have an exam today at n i dont plan on sleeping but i'm here typing this....lol

 

I never really thought it was due to his church beliefs he was straight. Our church is actually fairly cool with it I just kind of know hes straight. Like if I think about some of the stuff he does (like almost holding my hand or just looking into my eyes for awhile) it seems like hes gay but when I'm actually there with him I know hes straight. Theres just some reason I KNOW that hes not gay.

The difference between our two stories is that I know he won't date me or anything but I still couldn't stand not being his friend. Honestly hes closer than family and we see each other normally like 3 times a week or more. I've spent a few days a time at his house before. He really is like a brother but its just I love him as more than that. When I told him I had a thing for him the other night I also told him that I got over those feelings but I didn't

It was just something I said so he wouldn't be freaked out. And heres the thing the worst part is he still does things like carries me in his arms as a joke but I feel so happy there being held by him with my arms around his neck. I'll still link arms with him. Probably won't be able to touch his body anymore which was always great fun.

I'm happy he understands because I was terrified to lose him but it just doesn't feel like enough. I want him so bad nothing would make me happier than to fall asleep with my head on his chest and my hand resting on his abs. My heart constantly feels broken and he really is the only one who makes me feel better. There are other good friends of mine but he is by far the best. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH why do I have to love a straight man. Can't it be like a straight girl or a gay guy

 

You're story is so powerful; I'm actually extremely envious of you. I wish I could have such a great friend as you have here, you two seem to have such an extreme connection. You probably won't like my suggestion but do not act upon your feelings, because it'll just weird him out (Unless he's secretly gay or bi.) Even though you feel such an extreme attraction to him, I don't think pursuing it would do you any benefit. Your feelings for him may subside over time as you (if you) accept that you can not be with him; or they may not. I hope that you'll be able to overcome this sort of awkward situation and maintain your relationship. I'm both jealous and sorry for you. I wish you the best of luck.

 

We've all been through it. It sucks but it's reality.

The only way to get over him is to meet someone new. I'd recommend meeting some gay men.

 

ugh all the gay men at my school are extremely unattractive. such are the benefits of being bi. willing to buy next school dance? I feel like I need to talk to him still but I don't know what about we pretty much discussed everything the other night. Too bad I won't see him for another week )=. Methinks I do need a girlfriend but I'm not ready yet. Part of me just doesn't want one because at the moment theres no girl I want to dedicate that much time to. I feel like I want to spend all the time with my friends that I can in high school but I'll see if someone right for me comes along.

 

I feel so sorry for you - such a amazing story
- keep faith m8 there will be a gay guy for you - just get out there.

- good luck

- Timmy G

- p.s. - feel free to pm me

 

I like how you wrote it. I had felt much that way with one of my best friends. He now knows I'm gay but he's straight. That feeling where you love him, but at the same time he doesn't love you back, it just kills. You should see the endless amounts of poetry I wrote about it *rolls eyes*. Glad I'm over it now.

 

dude wow me too i have like 10 pages of poetry and music I wrote wow. He keeps wanting to read it but I won't let him maybe one day though...

 

wow thats how it was for me too. I had this "writing notebook" I kept in my room, he wanted to read it but I immediately grabbed it and went..."Trust me, you do NOT want to see that." To this day he doesn't know its mostly writing about him xP. Man I was pathetic.

 

i know how u feel too. thair was this amazing teacher in my hs he was the first guy i ever felt atracted to. i was into girls exclusively untill i walked into his history class thaire he was standing infront his desk he was actualy a student teacher so he was al nervous. remeber he smiled at me when he handed me my test that i got a perfect score on and after that i always did well just so he would smile at me. this was the first semester of my freshman year at hs and i didnt see much of him after but thought of him always he was tall and he had such sexy manly hands i wanted him to just cares my whole body with his hands, so any way two semesters whent by and i had kinda put him out of my mind i had had crushes on other guys and experimented a bit since the last time i had his class it was a month into the semster when my teacher had to leave to have her baby and who was my new teach non other than hot mr.m, he had bein working out since i last saw him i quickly changed my seat to the front and center of the room i had found out the year before that he was str8 and had a gf but i had my dreams. i would flirt with him infront of the class cause he would make the cutest face when he was flattered. then one day one of the other kidds in the class called me a fagg and some other names and then him and his group of friends proceded to rank on me it didnt bother me i can dish as good as im delt and i wasnt alone thiare were two other gay guys in that class and we would sitt togeather so we could talk about mr. m when he walked by so then one of the other kidds said some thing i cant remeber now about me being a fagg and mr.m had such a smirk on his face holding back laghter i looked up at him and was like "oh u think thats funny"? he was like "oh ur right im srry it was wrong of me" to wich i repleid " if u think its funny u should laugh" after that me and my friend jose made class hell 4 him i was so hurt i knew he wasent into me but i saw him as liek a mentour i was upset and like mad at every one cause i felt stupid for careing what he thougt of me but i couldnt help it and i was down untill he pulled me aside one day and said that i was his fav studnt and how i shouldnt care what people think and right thaire i wanted to tell him that i only cared about what he thought but he was trying to make it better and i got over it. the simester wrapped up ant that was the end of it i would see him in the hall and say hi and he woulsd ask me how things were goin and what not but i couldnt see him the same any more he wasnt as perfect as i thought he was. i forgot about him up until the fall term of my senior year when he would invite me into his criminology class latter that year i hered him tell another teacher how i was one of the smartest kidds in the school and then he recomended me for ap classes the next term wich was cool he also gave me a rec for college and now that high school is over im gunna miss my first gay love.

 

ok...i read this and i thought wow! what a bad ending! but its not really over yet. you may not have the relationship that you were looking for, but you do have a great friend! a lot of guys may have just been freaked out by that and stopped talking to you or even worse. but things did not really really turn out as bad as you think. a good friend will be there with you through many different relationships, and if you still even have a little hint or doubt that he might be gay, just spend the night together alone and get drunk. alcohol always works for lowering the inhibitions!

 

i dont think getting him drunk is the right way.. he might be gay and u might fool around togeather but the next day he might feel really weired about it and feel weired around u and avoid u and that could be forever i say stay friends if he is gay he will come out to u in college most likely

 

I don't plan on getting him drunk. If I was going to be in a relationship with him I don't want to start it or center it around sex. Don't get me wrong hes smoking hot but hes also a good friend of mine and I see getting him wasted and taking advantage of him to be a form of rape and I couldn't do that to him. He's done a lot for me and I wouldn't do something like that since it might hurt him.

 

he sounds sweet though i would so be feelin the same way i hope he is gay and like yall come out togeather and spend the rest of ur lives togeather liek a fairy tale lol

 

I doubt it considering I came out to him that would be the perfect time to come out to someone. If theres anyone you can trust to tell you're gay its your bisexual best friend. Also I can't explain it but when I'm around him I get the most powerful vibes that he's straight. Don't ask me what they are but I can just TELL he's straight. It's not like hes insanely masculine or has the deepest voice or something like that but I can just tell. Could be wrong but I doubt it. And I promise you nothing would make me happier but I dont see it happening. However I do know whoever he ends up with is going to be one happy girl. He's such a great person.

 

aw ur so cute

 

I know how it feels man, I've been through this many a time with a couple different straight guys. You really do just start creating scenarios and reasons as to how or why he HAS TO BE gay. It's easy to perpetually think about it, but try to consciously focus your thoughts on a hobby of yours, or find something you used to do a lot but haven't done for a while, and do it again, or hang out with a friend you haven't seen for a while. The most important thing is to just keep on keepin on...things will be okay, it's crushing to know that someone you've felt a connection with will never have those feelings towards you, but know that he obviously really thinks a lot of you, and cares sooooooooo much, the fact that you were able to open up to him and not only tell him that he was who saved you from suicide, but that you were gay too, and that he was so cool about it, really says a lot about him. Keep him as a friend, and really try to look at the positive side of this: you have a solid, real, relationship, a great connection with this guy. Appreciating that will really help you to stay happy when you're around him as opposed to wishing he would be gay.

 

To answer the question in your topic i have to say this: no, it will never stop hurting.

To be honest the pain simply numbs after a time and you will find the memory making you smile. Ive been in this kind of situation as have many others before me and i shall not be the last, however, as i think of the straight guy i loved so fiercly i smile. There is a sort of nostalgia involved but also a regret that after i told him we didnt remain friends. Some cannot find it in themselves to understand this fondness in any way save for a deduction that the person who has taken a liking to them is afflicted with a bizarre and perverted sexual proclivity possibly brought on by bad parenting. In this thought i laugh and regret at once.

My point is that you still have your friend and he understands and accepts that you have feelings for him and one day you will understand and accept that he will never be able to feel the same way. It is simply not in his nature but in these understandings a stronger bond is made. So do not fret over a lost love that rly was never there since it left you with a friendship that is stronger than it was before.

 

oooo im excited he just asked me to write a story about him SO I AM. Aww its so perfect and depressing and he told me to leave out no details. So I'm putting in my attraction to him and two other girls i used to like. He knows it's going to be in there but he says he wants to read it GAH IM SO EXCITED. He also said in return if its sad enough he'll give me one of those no time limit hugs WEEE IM HAPPY. Also he said he wants me to join swimteam with him next year (I wonder what happens when a guy gets a boner in a speedo wtf am I gonna do this guy has a hot body I'm not sure ill be able to help it). Anyway im still not over him but im at a point i think where i can just be friends with him and be okay. For the rest of my life i think if he told me he was gay and wanted to go out I'd probably take him up on the offer but at least now I know I can also just be his friend and not be so in love. :cheers2:
Now I just need a girlfriend or boyfriend so I can vent out all this love I've been holding in. (Yes I know in controlled doses so I'm not a creepy emmotional clingy bastard)