Please die Ana

For as long as you're here we're not.....

So in theory about 10% of people with anorexia are male, though I doubt anyone has ever known one except for anyone that listens to Silverchair because of Daniel Johns' and Ana's Song. Well here's another one. Somewhere like 7 years ago or whenever I turned a diet into an obsession into a disease. I was always a bit chubby as a kid but thankfully when youve always been really tall it helps balance it out. But then one day I was like "alright, i'm going to be thin, fuck this fat bullshit" so I went on a diet. Diet works fine till the point when you are thin but you can't break the cycle and you spend over a good year with your diet being made up of mostly bread and doing like 400 sit ups a day.

thankfully though had I been a girl people would've been like "zoinks! why are you so thin!?" or "how the fuck did you get that thin that quick" and never left me alone it, as a man though I could weigh like 80lbs and people would still be like "man that kid is lucky, his metabolism must be through the roof". To a point though anyways, I learned all the tricks on how to make it look like you're eating normal to people around you when in reality it's only because you mostly only eat around them.

But that was then and this is now. There really does come a point where you're just so tired of being hungry. That's not true for everyone though, we've all heard enough stories of people starving themselves to death, but thankfully most of us i think have that thinness/hunger line where hunger finally wins and you start eating more of a maintaining diet.(even though you know maintaining being incredibly thin doesn't take much more food)

But yea I'm healthier now, to a point. I mean I got more towards normal about my eating habits and my weight is now at least in normal even if it's at the low end. But it's always still there, I still calorie count food and keep track of everything I eat during the day in my head, and like i'm currently trying to lose 5lbs. But thankfully that moment of clarity one day when it's like "wait a diet was 2 years ago, something isn't right" But it sucks to think sometimes "jesus is this gonna be somewhere in my mind till i'm dead" It's hard to comprehend but there just is something that makes it really satisfying to be like that. Like I do honestly miss having my stomach cave in under my ribs naturally like how when most people suck it in. But I know that's just bad. It's like a really addictive drug.



And you're my obsession
I love you to the bones
And Ana wrecks your life
Like an anorexia life

 

"and i need you now, somehow"






dude,...i know what you are going through... seriously.. trying to do the same thing!!!

 

Do you ever get that same fear that no matter what it's always gonna be there waiting for something to set it off again without ever even realizing it, whether it's in like a month or 15 years.

 

yeah... i have beeen good the last 5 weeks... but yesterday my mother asked me if i put on weight and i havent eaten since then...

i am very sensitive about food now.

 

i have that fear. definitely. both with eating issues and anxiety and depression. I guess i have EDNOS but I've never been diagnosed. I went through a really unhealthy period of bulimia, drug binges, anorexia, fasting, overeating, overexercizing and lost 25lbs in a month or so when I was at a normal weight to start out, got really ill for a bit. I don't think people really understand how difficult it is to have issues with eating and weight because unlike a drug addiction, drug addicts can remove drugs from their lives and get new friends, move, etc. But with eating disorders you have to face that problem, 3 square meals a day. I do slip back into old habits in times of extreme stress, and I beat myself for that. Luckily, I have a support system to help me through that now, though.

It's especialy hard for guys though, like you said most people do even realize it's a problem. I wish you the best, man.

 

wow i always wondered how people dieted it sounds pretty awful. Always being hungry.

I can't deny it I'm big and always will be, now I just built up my muscles as oppose to being just fat.

I have a question: Why do want to be that thin?

Is it beccause you feel uncoftable with the weight?

OR it is because being around other people makes you feel uncomfortable?

 

Sininabin: for me its because i have a crooked vision of whats attractive... i envy girls who are thin, because in my mind, it seems that they get more attention and are more cared for.
then i became obsessive about organic/vegetarian food and then i got really stressed and emotional and was going through a really hard time and i just stopped eating all together and then i lost a lot of weight.
and i liked the feeling of bbeing starving.
my parents found out that i wasnt eating and sent me off for counselling. i've been better lately... eating about twice a day... but if someone makes a fuss about food or watches me eat or makes me feel uncomfortable or tells me i have put on weight... i cant eat for days again.

 

Why do we want to be that thin? Good question, which I don't have a good answer for.

I think you can basically sum up anorexia as 2 things, obsessive fear of gaining weight and on the flip side never being thin enough. I'm with moonshine on this, once a long time ago i use to be envious of guys or girls that were thin, cause c'mon no one wants to be fat. Then idk exactly what went wrong. It started around 8th grade, you know when you really start to rebel and you're about to go into high school and everything is changing, so if i wanted to go all psych on this maybe stress and being in full control of yourself.

but anyways, back to why, like it's hard to comprehend to most people probably, but really the self satisfaction of just not eating like that can feel so good. Or like when it was really bad when my stomach would cave in under my ribs, like i know from a logical point of view that doesn't really look good, but..........i do miss that to a good point, cause I liked being like that, there's an odd warmth in the smallness.

 

I just had a good reminder of why i refuse to keep a scale in my home. I'm staying at my nans and she has a scale in her guest bathroom and I literally can't stop weighing and re-weighing. It's a terrrrrible feeling, I wish old habits would die but I know the feeling will always be there.

 

I've also been going on the PASS boards again, which makes me feel like an idiot because I haven't been there since I was 15 or 16. Hopefully, no one knows what I'm talking about because PASS is a fucked up place for anyone with an eating disorder to visit. I hope i'm not heading down the wrong path again, sometimes I think I can just slip into old habits and be fine, but I should know better by now!!!!

 

Ditto, I don't have a scale, never did, never will, cause you gain/lose 3-4lbs generally going by eye you probably would never notice, on a scale though all of a sudden 2lbs is like 20 in your head. But I'd never pass up the chance to weigh myself at someone elses house


I gotta say I've never heard of PASS though, or maybe I have and marijuana has just destroyed my memory. I'd say it's 50/50 either way

 

Yeah, if you haven't heard of Pass it's probably best to keep it that way.

I've been kind of falling off the wagon as of recent. I'm not underweight, by any means, and I use that as an excuse for bad behavior I guess. But yeah, I've been staying with my parents and grandparents off and on and I think being in the old environment where bad eating habits thrived stirred up a lot of bad behaviors. Like yesterday, didn't eat all morning and I ran a ton in the heat, felt really dizzy and didn't eat anything until 6pm. But I got that familiar "I did it" feeling when you turn down a meal after exercise. I hate it, I know it's all my choice and none of these things are even habits anymore, but they are strangely comforting. I think I'm due for an appointment with my doctor...

 

agreed.

 

i used to think just like you guys but then i realized that society is SO fucked up, making everyone think that being thin is so beautiful. you can blame your anorexia/bulimia on the media because all you see on tv,magazines,movies are models and actors that are suppose to be like perfect. you see them an think wow they look so nice i wish i was like them... its not about just about looking nice or being perfect.

Think about this, when you date someone you don't just look at them and say hey, she/he looks nice i want him/her well atleast i hope you don't. don't you care about personality or what theyre intersted in? What do you do when youre on a date and someone takes you to a restaurant, are you going to say oh no thanks i ate before i came... like what about if you get married, do you plan on marrying another anorexic/bulimic person? What is your normal eating wife or husband going to think if you dont want to eat their food? If youre a girl then how the fuck are you gonna have kids?

So youre thinking, "jesus is this gonna be somewhere in my mind till i'm dead"
It is so simple to forget about, you just have to have a strong will power and mind power. Oh and by the way eating food gives you the most greatest satisfations in life, the other great one is sex so youre missing out.

Basically its all in your head.
it's all up to you if you want to live past 35...

 

I'm sorry, but you really don't think we've thought that before?

I can't speak for anyone but myself, but an eating DISORDER is not fueled by magazines or the media. It's about control and anxiety and a distorted sense of self and getting so fucking consumed in your own inner dialogue that it actually starts making sense to you that the less you eat, the more pure you'll become. It's a serious addiction, not just looking at a magazine and crying over how much you want to look like Nicole Richie. I would say that weight and body image are NOT the core issues of an anorexic, it goes much deeper than that.

OF COURSE, it's all in your head. Everything that is, is "all in your head". That just reminds me of that Fiona Apple song where it goes "He said it's all in your head, I said "So's everything" but he didn't get it". Any mental disorder like depression, anorexia, whatever is all in your head, but that in no way makes it any easy or able to just "snap out of".

And it IS something that is with you for the rest of your life, but that doesn't mean you are anorexic forever. Like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, it's just that he's either recovered or not. It's something that after you experience it, those feeling will always be there, you just either have it under control or not.

And saying shit like "Oh, by the way, food's awesome! So is sex! You're totally missing out". That just pisses me off. You really don't think we realize these things? If it was that easy, to just snap out of it and go "Oh hey! Foods really tasty! I should eat it!" do you think people would still be dying of this disorder daily? Anorexia has the HIGHEST death rate out of any other mental disorder.

I'm sorry to totally harp on you, I am very defensive of this disorder from my own experience and watching others around me literally die from it. You seem to not even come close to grasping the complexity of the disease, so please don't talk to me like I haven't realized the epiphanies of a 16 year old.

 

I'm with totally with Stella with on this, while the media probably adds fuel to the fire, like being a man I gotta say I was never really jealous of not being able to fit into that size 0 dress. We know we have a problem(well most of us), but it's like telling a person with clinical depression "oh c'mon buck up, you live in America, be happy already damnit"

Also you have the assumption like many that ana people never eat and we're all walking twigs ready to pass out from exhaustion. Well we know food is good, anyone with taste buds knows food is good, and hunger even when it feels mentally satisfying to yourself in the fact you know you've not eaten and are losing weight is still hunger and you'll cave, or for most people just have a more normal day or week, month or whatever where it doesn't really bother you as much to eat like a normal person. Also I really don't think my wife will care if I eat her food or not, this is 2008, I don't expect her to cook for me, and besides, I'd rather have a sandwich and french fries for dinner then like some kind of long cooked meal.

And it is in the back of your head in the matter, do you smoke? Try quitting smoking, good god it doesn't matter how long goes by, you know how damn good a cigarette would be. That's the best metaphor I can come up with.

 

im sorry if i offended you or something but i was just speaking my mind..
i used to be a lot of things but i changed and being 16 does not mean i don't live in the same planet as you do so im pretty sure i know whats going on.
i quit smoking cigarettes with the help of my boyfriend mostly because i love him and i didnt want him to leave me because of something so stupid.
you can be happy if you wanted to, we make our own decisions in life.

Do you want to know the truth?
well it was very easy for me stop being bulimic/anorexic after like 3 very long years. All i did was smoke more weed and realized that i was missing out on a lot, life can be less complicated than we make it.
the munchies man are the best, when you smoke you get so hungry and the food tastes amazing and you just can't say no so you should try it... hahaha its really funny how after i post this youre just gonna critize me and call me a pothead but guess what? it doesnt matter to me, i have a nice life and im very happy with who i am.
thats all that matters now.. thats all that should matter :]

so in conclusion to my opinion here, smoke more grass and have a blast<3

 

Of course we make our own decisions in life, but that doesn't mean every choice is an easy one or even possible. If anorexia nervosa was as simple as "People don't eat, so give them food", that would be a miracle, but it's not that simple. Again, anorexia is not about food.

And I'm not trying to put you down because of your age, but experience has a lot to do with knowledge. Were you ever diagnosed with an eating disorder? Because if you were, feel blessed that after 3 long years you just stopped completely because that's extremely rare. I've had issues with food for 8 or 9 years, I have friends that have been in and out of hospitals close to death, and I would give anything to make things as simple as you describe them but that is not reality.

It really makes me laugh that your advice is "Smoke weeeed man, that shit will make you hungry!!!" Yet again, it is not that simple. I do smoke weed, I love weed, at points of my life I've smoked a ton of weed but again, anorexia isn't as simple that it can be fixed by getting the munchies. And I'm not going to criticize you and call you a pothead, but I will call you a tad naive. Feel blessed that you were able to overcome what you've been through, but don't minimal a disorder that millions struggle with and claim that a simple change of attitude and a bowl can fix everything. I just don't appreciated anyone down playing the struggle that comes along with any disorder simply because they had an easy time with it or really never experienced it at all.

 

The munchies only help so much though, or like drinking, I both drink and smoke plenty but the problem is say you just smoked a fat ass blunt and you're like food god damnit, and you eat a bunch of pizza, 1 of 2 things will happen. Either you're in a time period where it really isn't bothering you and maybe later that day you'll go and eat more pizza, or after you're done eating you can be like god damnit and eat saltines and apples for the rest of the day.

But the problem with choice is, no one chooses to have any problems, and in terms of being happy, eating till my stomach is bloated wouldn't make me happy, what makes it sick from a normal point of view is the fact a flat or inward going stomach because I was able to refuse food makes me happy.

 

70 pound lost and I'm NOT anorexic... but I have traits. I NEEDED to lose weight and I guess the reason I'm posting here is... I get it... the weight goes off, you feel better and it becomes an addiction. I don't know how I'll ever stop cause I still see myself as fat even though I know I'm at the best weight ever. The way to kill it is to get at yer weight that LOOKS GOOD ON YOU...and be able to stop...get over the self hatred and insecurities.. not easy... I HOPE I can do it. One day at a time and seriously think of who ever told you you are not good enuf cause your weight or whatever...its bullshit.


Good luck... it's a slippery slope. You can fall down into this fast.<333