Attraction

...There's a story of abuse and addiction here. Myself, in a sense, sexually abusing myself ...my body( looking for wholeness through orgasm), and her ... she had been abused sexually for a long time by a family member which also involved pornography. Now, i don't know but i believe my mother had a brief relationship with her abuser when i was about 12 or 13 ... he had the same name and was from the same part of the country...and a couple of other things. He'd been in mental institutions and he got me alone one day and told me he was Jesus and that i was the only person who could help him save the world ...mmm? Yeah, a nutter. ... but if i'm honest with myself also a reflection for me ...albeit an extreme one. Years later after my relationship with her i realised i still had a leather belt and sheaf knife that he'd given me and i cut up the belt and ditched the knife....and i also had a dream in which i stabbed a guy with the same name through the chest with a huge hunting knife...mmm? again.

Anyway i take none of this personally anymore ... this is a story of opposites and forces in conflict. Forces that don't understand eachother. To my knowledge i've never raped anyone ... but maybe myself, unwittingly. I read a quote recently "Of all those who abuse us, we abuse ourselves the most." And as far as reflections go this deserves some thought. I actually felt that she abused ME, both sexually and psychologically, she had sex with me when i was asleep one time and 'planted' womens underwear in my room and then accused me of cheating on her, among other things, yet i only have myself to blame, for abusing myself and hating myself for it ... but blame is irrelevant because we are one. She believed i 'abused' her, yet we only had sex a few times and it was all perfectly normal and consenting.
So. We both got paranoid about eachother i think, both accusing eachother of cheating. In truth we were both very hurt by eachother and it ended painfully.
I had an emotional breakdown and spent the next year and a half crying myself to sleep and having panic attacks every day and at the worst times, wanting to kill myself ... but i couldn't. No way! There's enough trying to kill you already!
I had to aknowledge the reflection she gave me ... albeit a one sided view. My use of porn ..which wasn't particularly extreme, soft porn in fact was nevertheless contributing to a mass thought form ... a thought form which had caused it in the first place, and a thought form of sexual gratification which also contributed to her horrific abuse as a child. Soul destroying stuff!
I wept for it all, slowly understanding what thought can do, yet also slowly understanding that it was ego ... separation and opposites. Fucked up people hurting and blaming eachother ... and so the vicious circle, the chain continues ... until you realise that if you do it to yourself, others do it to you. So you own your responsibility, surround the whole thing with love (once you find it and forgive yourself) and STOP. You break the chain, at least for yourself, and you diminish that thought form. And in doing so you make it easier for others. What was the initial problem? ... Not loving the body. Not accepting our animal nature. Being in denial.
Ultimately my understanding led me to accept and love my body ... realising that i WAS my body.... for a while. My ego slowly died and one night on E and at the point of orgasm i let love in ... i couldn't hurt myself anymore. Now i loved my body, loved sex ... no shame ...it was natural. How could i have been so stupid! I took a trip into spirit briefly and met the light, which told me i had learned to love. I was one and whole again in my true state. Free within the luminous splendour of the one and whole universe that is my mothers womb. Yet the light told me to return and treat my body like a temple ... and come back straight. This would be possible again.
Heck i'm tired, i'll carry on a bit tomorrow.

Also tomorrow i'll copy out a couple of pages from Eckhart Tolles' 'The power of now' ... all about the body. You'll like it.

 

I understand. This discussion has gotten very interesting, especially with LL bringing up the shadow-self issue. What's going on with all of you has been going on with me, too. I keep running into women who are hiding something - which is also like my wife - whereas I'm like you, trying to be honest about my flaws.

We need to find some way to break the pattern. What I'm finding is that each time I get caught up with a new woman, it takes me less time to figure out what they're trying to hide. It got down to a couple weeks, and now it's within a few e-mail exchanges. I'm thinking maybe eventually I'll be so good at this that I'll know before they say a single word to me. I have now made a habit of ending the attraction immediately, as soon as I discover that they're trying to hide something. I think this helps me with a few things. It helps me become emotionally stronger, able to say "no" to that which makes me unhappy, even if it means being "alone" a lot of the time. It builds my self-esteem - I esteem myself enough to say "I won't put up with this." I find that my tendency toward co-dependence, which used to be very strong, has diminished dramatically as a result of my rejecting these relationships. And I feel that by not NEEDING to be in a relationship ALL the time, I've sort of given myself some space to become more myself. I sort of feel like the tide is ready to turn for me before too long.

LL's point about loving the part of us that keeps showing up in the mirror of our relationships is excellent. I had first learned about this from Harville Hendricks' books. It can be an interesting and valuable exercise to analyze relationships in light of this principle. Am I attracting women who are hiding something because I value openness so much that I've rejected my own right to some privacy? Are you (maybe) so adamant about being totally honest that you've rejected the notion that there might be some flaws you have that you're not aware of? Just a thought...for both of us. I want to meditate on that last conjecture I made about myself...

 

interesting thoughts, from both you and LL. I'm gonna have to think on this for a bit.

 

OK...so what do you all think of this spin on it...My father was a bit of a dark man..VERY quiet, introverted, didn't say much. He had been thru WW2 and a dysfunctional family to the extreme. All thru my childhood I had recurring dreams of saving my father. In waking life I was very protective of him. I kinda felt like the parent. If you wanted to hurt me all you had to do was say something bad about him and I would dissolve in a puddle of tears. He was my hero. All this from about the age of 4 or 5. Around age 11 he started looking at me in a different way and I will leave it at that except to say my world fell apart. When I got older and started dating, I found I was choosing very quiet dark men with problems. Just like my father. Over and over again. You know. Somebody I could save. One day I realized, SHIT! I keep playing this drama over and over again. Trying to fix it,trying to change the outcome. I would never stay with them. As soon as sex came into the picture I would tire quickly and be gone. Does this make sense? Don't you know of people that choose the same dysfunctional person over and over again? ..... By the way, on another note, I had a very vivid dream that I won the 649 lottery here in Canada. So if it comes true what do you say I round up all the regulars on this psychic forum and we fly over to England and have 4 o'clock tea ( or cocktails) with liquid LOL LOL.

 

I don't know if you'd call me a regular, but I'd surely go.

And windy, your comments make a lot of sense. We do seem to be 'doomed to repeat history' until we get it straightened out. We seem to choose those scenarios for ourselves. Like part of mine, I think, is my mother's a virgo, and a badly aspected one at that. Impossible to please, and even the best 'compliment' is a huge criticism. I once, during one of the inevitable fights, made the comment 'I'm sure the reason it took god 6 days was you revising the plans, and telling him how he was doing it wrong.'

That's something that feels like an empty 'hole in my soul' so to speak, is the feeling of being inferior, no matter how well I do, or how great something I do is, that damn criticism starts up again. Just like in relationships, it leads me to practically kill myself trying to make everything 'just wonderful' with nothing to complain about, and then when I think I've done everything right, there's some criticism to crush it and knock it all down again.

I think it's part of why I wind up being so 'over the top' with my displays of affection as well, is 'if she's awestruck, she's not complaining or criticizing'

 

That totally makes sense B25. I suspect that just when everything is going good your moms' critical voice pops into your head telling you that you are not doing it right at all. It's hard to change that. I guess we have to keep replacing that insistent little voice with something positive

 

Hey good luck with THAT windy! ANY OF YOU HERE ARE WELCOME ANYTIME!! COME TO SUNNY (rainy!) DEVON! I live in lodgings but i'm moving next month to a HUGE house with some nice folk i know and i'm sure there'll be loadsa room.

Windy that is so ... sad i guess. Long time ago eh. It's repression vs desire or something and it comes out all twisted and misplaced. So messed up. My way of looking at it is to forgive on the inside for who they REALLY are, beyond their 'fucked-up-ness' .. and stand firm on the outside ... but when you're little you cant.
With many situations i'm always examining 'How can i love this?' ...Do i get involved and apply myself to situations or do i let it go and walk away? What would love do? Because i know love would do either depending on the situation. Things are different every time.
Self worth is everything. If we can have compassion for ourselves and know that we ARE worth it ... worthy of life and love, then we can change our relationship with ourselves, break with the past and see with new eyes. Everything else follows.

Oh yeah, 25yrs, i was thinking about your post today at work. This one:

...well that's love isn't it. A fool for love? Good for you! It feels so degrading doesn't it ... but it's not. Because who is it we're really loving? I think we love life ... because life is who we all are, REALLY are. ... no shame in THAT.

 

Yes it does come out all twisted and misplaced. And yes I already have dealt with and forgiven. I know who he really was (he's passed) at core. Mind, this took me years. Funny, I turned all the hatred and anger onto myself for years. I'm still learning to love myself. I refuse to be a victim though. I am so far from victim, it ain't funny.

 

yeah, the best compliment I ever got from my mother, ever, was 'well, you didn't screw it up 'too' badly, but you still could have done it better.'

 

Yeah, I've decided to do something drastic with this whole bitter cycle that we seem to have devolved into. I'm ending it. One of the things I did learn during my passage through the darkness, was how to 'silence' certain emotions..like compassion or empathy for other people. I've found a way to turn it to a positive use. Her anger and frustration with me is part of a circular pattern of lashing out. So, I'm going to, for the time being, shut off my own anger and guilt, and let her exhaust her frustration and angry energy to no purpose. Learn from Aikido, of simply redirecting and exhausting the energy without adding to it. And truthfully, I've been on the receiving end of so much 'crap' in my life, there's literally nothing she can do that's worse than something I've already experienced. It's not martyrdom if it doesn't wound you.

We've tried actively ending the cycle of bullshit, and that failed, because of 'us'. We're a pair of empaths, and so we're like tuning forks. one of us vibrates with a certain emotion, and the other starts to vibrate, despite themselves. So I believe I've found a way to stop this hateful bullshit cold. Stonewall it. If there's nothing for it to act on, and believe me, as a taurus, I understand 'becoming stone'. Be a boulder, rather than a wounded tiger.

 

Ha, well I don't have any issues with my parents. It wouldn't make sense anyway, b/c I'm a lesbian. I was never sexually abused by anyone, I'm just wired that way.

My archetype (as I've come to refer to it as) I guess would be a mirror of myself, maybe. Like I said, 3 different women. All 3 look different, but they are the same. Strong personalities, independent and talented in certain artistic areas and other minor details. I'm not sure if that's a mirror of myself or not.

Let me see if I can clarify...

The women that I have had relationships with were easy. I don't mean sexually easy, but easy. I don't know how else to put it. I would inadvertently end up being the dominant personality somehow. I didn't make it that way, but it just sort of happened. They were just easy. Easy to figure out, easy to get. I thought maybe the archetype was appearing in order to test me, to see if I would come out of my comfort zone and reach high to get this woman. Maybe not possess, but understand, maybe? The first two times I screwed it all up very badly b/c I went about it all wrong. I wanted the focus on me and other manipulative things that any 18-19 year old could pull out of her hat. And that was it. They were taken away b/c I failed. When I realized that this woman here recently was the archetype again, I thought "Fuck! I've got to do it different this time!" By now, I've gained some maturity and experience so that should help, right? So, my approach was different. More focus on her and I went out of my way and tried hard, harder than most women where she's concerned, to "get" her.

Didn't work.

She's been taken away. In much the same way the others were. She's found herself another. She doesn't ignore me and still talks to me - as a friend. But, and this may seem silly or childish, the psychic I saw told me to give it until October. The psychic also told me there's a woman on her end manipulating the situation. Could she mean this new woman in her life? This sort of feels like the Universe sticking a "difficult" woman out there for me in order test me. To see how I would handle her in a new place in my life. B/c, let's face it, I'm a whole galaxy away from where I was at 19. I'm a whole galaxy away from where I was at 25 it seems. Nonetheless, I didn't do something right, once again, and it's like the Universe said "Well, nice try but you did it wrong again. Say Good-bye!"

So, that's it then.

I tell people that sometimes I believe that the words "I date the insane" are written on my forehead in invisible ink only they can see. That's what I seem to get involved in and I don't want that. I don't want it. They either have a drug issue or are just so far out there they are in Andromeda while we are all in the Milky Way! I don't want a woman who needs help or who needs to be fixed. But those are the kinds of women that like me: Stone. Cold. Fuck. Nuts. There's just no nice way to put it.

Yeah, so anyway....there's my words.

 

Sorry Mysterious...didn't mean it had to be a sexual abuse problem or an issue with your parents...just that sometimes when something goes real wrong in your life you kinda get stuck there in the revolving door. (by the way I'm not talking about you being lesbian/gay, I'm talking about relationships in general) It's just that I see people around me choosing the same bad situation and people types over and over. In my own situation it became clear after awhile why I was doing this.

 

Yeah Windy - nothing particularly traumatic or abusive from my parents, but my mom does, to a large extent, form the blueprint for the women who gravitate into my affections. And Mysterious, I don't think being gay/lesbian makes anybody an exception to this pattern. The influence might be subtler or more complex in your case, making it harder to see - possibly...

I would recommend Harville Hendricks' book, Getting the Love You Want to all here. It was originally recommended to me by my psychologist cousin some years ago, and it explains in detail the psychological mechanisms that go into determining our emotional/relationship blueprints. It doesn't touch on spiritual aspects much though - I think there must be some room for discovery in that area.

I had a long think about all this stuff and my own life on the commuter train this morning...seems like there's something trying to get my attention, but I haven't put my finger on it yet.

High tea in Devon? Count me in! Then later on we could slip over to a pub and switch to something with a bit more kick...

 

Thanks Zen I will look for that book next time I am in the city. ... . Ya, high tea in Devon, then an English pub. This dream was sooo real. I dreamt I was checking my lottery ticket at work and just before the validation slip popped out of the machine, I had a premonition that I would win. Sure enough I won over 10 Million. Then I called my daughter who came to get me and then went round to pick up my son, and on to claim the prize. Extraordinary dream. So detailed. Well the draw is Wednesday night at 9.....

 

How exciting!!!

Ok the 'sermon on the body' from Eckhart Tolles' 'The Power of Now':

What you percieve as a dense physical structure called the body, which is subject to disease, old age, and death, is not ultimately real - is not you. It is a misperception of your essential reality which is beyond birth and death, and is due to the limitations of your mind, which having lost touch with 'being', creates the body as evidence of it's illusory belief in separation and to justify it's state of fear. But do not turn away from the body, for within that symbol of impermanence, limitation and death that you percieve as the illusory creation of your mind is concealed the splendour of your essential and immortal reality. Do not turn your attention elsewhere in your search for the truth, for it is nowhere else to be found but within your body.
Do not fight against the body, for in doing so you are fighting against your own reality. You ARE your body. The body that you can see and touch is only a thin illusory veil. Underneath it lies the invisible inner body, the doorway into 'being', into life unmanifested. Through your inner body, you are inseparably connected to this unmanifested one life - birthless, deathless, eternally present.
Through the inner body, you are forever one with god.

Have deep roots within:

The key is to be in a state of permanent connectedness with your inner body - to feel it at all times. This will rapidly deepen and transform your life. The more conciousness you direct into the inner body, the higher it's vibrational frequency becomes, mutch like a light that grows brighter as you turn up the dimmer switch and so increase the flow of electricity. At this higher energy level, negativity cannot affect you anymore, and you tend to attract new circumstances that reflect this higher frequency.
If you keep your attention in the body as mutch as possible, you will be anchored in the Now. You won't lose yourself in the external world, and you won't lose yourself in your mind. Thoughts and emotions, fears and desires, may still be there to some extent, but they won't take you over.
Please examine where your attention is at this moment. You are listening to me or you are reading these words in a book. -That is the focus of your attention. You are also peripherally aware of your surroundings, other people, and so on. Furthermore, there may be some mind activity around what you are hearing or reading, some mental commentary. Yet there is no need for any of this to absorb ALL your attention. See if you can be in touch with your inner body at the same time, - keep some of your attention within. Don't let it all flow out. Feel your whole body from within, as a single field of energy. It is almost as if you are listening or reading with your whole body.
Let this be your practice in the days and weeks to come.

Do not give all your attention away to the mind and external world. By all means focus on what you are doing, but feel the inner body at the same time whenever possible. Stay rooted within. Then observe how this changes your state of conciousness and the quality of what you are doing.
Whenever you are waiting, wherever it may be, use that time to feel the inner body. In this way traffic jams and line ups become very enjoyable. Instead of projecting yourself away from the Now, go more deeply into the now by going more deeply into the body.
The art of inner body awareness will develop into a completely new way of living, a state of permanent connectedness with Being, and will add a depth to your life that you have never known before. It is easy to stay present as the observer of your mind when you are deeply rooted within your body. No matter what happens on the outside, nothing can shake you anymore.

....continued next post:

 

....Unless you stay present - and inhabiting your body is always an essential aspect of it - you will continue to be run by your mind. The script in your head that you learned a long time ago, the conditioning of your mind, will dictate your thinking and your behaviour.
You may be free of it for brief intervals, but rarely for long. This is especially true when something 'goes wrong' or there is some loss or upset. Your conditioned reaction will then be involuntary, automatic, and predictable, fueled by the one basic emotion that underlies the mind-identified state of conciousness; fear.
So when such challenges come, as they always do, make it a habit to go within at once, and focus as mutch as you can on the inner energy field of your body. This need not take long, just a few seconds. But you need to do it the moment that the challenge presents itself. Any delay will allow a conditioned mental-emotional reaction to arise and take you over. When you focus within and feel the inner body, you immediately become still and present as you are withdrawing conciousness from the mind. If a response is required in that situation, it will come up from this deeper level. Just as the sun is infinitely brighter than a candle flame, there is infinitely more intelligence in Being than in your mind.
as long as you are in concious contact with your inner body, you are like a tree that is deeply rooted in the earth, or a building with a deep and solid foundation. The latter analogy is used by jesus in the generally misunderstood parable of the two men who build a house. One man builds it on the sand, without a foundation, and when the storms and floods come, the house is swept away. The other man DIGS DEEP until he reaches the rock, then builds his house, which is not swept away by the floods.

 

... I can vouch for the effectiveness of this practice because i found myself doing it back when i was 25 when i split from 'K', or rather when she split with me and stonewalled me. I was shocked and traumatised by her behaviour, her anger and hatred.. her aggression and violence. i'd never known anything like it and i felt i'd done nothing to deserve it and that her behaviour was extreme. I felt a void inside,.. an emptiness, which of course i wanted to fill with her, but that wasn't going to happen. Over the next year and a half, this void, and my inner body became the main focus of my attention, like it was the only thing that could steady me in my trauma and emotion.
Although she hated me i resisted hating her because i understood that something wasn't right, and of course i understood that she was an incredibly hurt and messed up person due to her past experience. I felt love coming from somewhere ... around me. In fact at the time i felt she 'really' loved me, but couldn't admit it to herself ... but in hindsight i realise that it was coming from within me.
I was depressed and knew i had to simply keep going and get 'out there' and carry on with my life. I joined a new band ... a jazz funk band called F.L.O.W ... the name, in hindsight, being descriptive of the process i was now in.... going with the flow and being in the now, hour by hour, day by day, i took things as they came along, whilst i looked within myself for some kind of explaination. The names of some of the songs too were very telling;
Now's the time
Rock to the F.L.O.W
New original
Yes
So i met some good new friends too and we all had some good times, despite my deep pain and depression (seriousness).
A year later i began to feel a tangible warmth inside my belly and chest and at that same time felt like love had blossomed within me and my heart had opened. I would focus on my breathing too, as a way of steadying myself. I realised that 'K' had stonewalled me because she didn't want to look at herself, didn't wan't to accept that she had some issues, No, for her it was all my fault... i was the messed up one. I realised how mutch fear she had underneath her 'strong' facade, and ultimately i realised that i shouldn't force her to look either, ... it would have been more than she could bear at the time, so i began to accept that i should just let her go, as mutch as i didn't want to. I had to.
That night on E was crunch time. The point when i cleaved with the past and with no particular future, the BIG NOW ... as you might say (Zen and Windy) , I 'stopped the world'. It was also the culmination of my efforts to understand my introverted sexuality ... the shame had gone and i was a feeling, understanding, sexual, human, BEING.
Somehow at the point of orgasm i surrendered to what i KNEW, i had been fearful for so long i was simply tired of it, i had begun to identify with spirit in the previous month or so, and felt kinda godlike or angelic, and somehow knew, with the love i was feeling, that nothing could hurt me. i wasn't scared anymore. I trusted in myself.
So the kundalini experience happened and i met the light, after which i became more aware of the state of wholeness i was experiencing,... auras around everything ... different layers, my conciousness seemed able to travel and recieve information just by asking or intending, i could see through solid objects and view things at a cellular or even atomic level if i wished. I recieved scientific information at one point ... i think to do with the 'E' perhaps ... molecular structures ... carbon based, and equations of some sort, perhaps physics or chemistry... all displayed on a kind of screen which i could simply read like from a page in a book. It was consistent and wasn't fleeting or momentary ... it just stayed there whilst i read it.
I could still see physical objects with my eyes, yet super-imposed over and through it was this 'other stuff' and in hind sight i know my third eye had fully opened, giving me this kind of dual vision... physical and spiritual. There were many things that happened in that short time .. too abstract really to fully explain, even to myself but the strangest thing was the familiarity... i had been there before?! In fact .. i had spent infinitely more time in that state than i ever had soley in the physical dimension. Jesus sais that you will be amazed, and i was, yet it is nothing 'special' ... just our natural state.
In any case for a short while the illusion was discovered and seen through. Like Eckhart sais, the skin is an illusion, not real, but the body itself is? It's all very paradoxical i know. All i knew then was that i was a 'spirit' WITH a body ... and somehow i WAS my body ... so i needed to look after it.

 

Absolutely, WOW! I must get that book. What an amazing experience you had and thanks for sharing it. OK...I REALLY have to get out the Castaneda now LOL....

 

The paperback version of the book is really inexpensive, i only bought it a couple of weeks ago. I started reading Eckhart back in August last year; his book, 'A New Earth', ... is also a must read. Mostly going into all the nitty gritty details of how ego works and how it usually gets away undetected.
But really i'm just wanting to push this 'inner body' stuff ... this method of taking ones attention into the moment and away from thought, and hence raising awareness and vibration. It's a particularly good method, as compared to focusing on breathing or formal meditation, because one can do it pretty mutch all day every day ... without coming accross as some yoghurt weaving tree hugger. But also it's just very real.
Trying to get the point accross that thinking isn't where it's at, and that thinking and a blinkered focus on 'the physical' ... this illusory 'skin' or 'surface' which is the product of that, has taken us away from our natural state as conciousness within a multi dimensional universe ... free to focus on any dimension we wish.The way things are for most people, it's like having a six string guitar and only playing one string. The lowest one.
As you may have gathered, i had an opportunity back then to transform back to full awareness, but it didn't happen for a couple of reasons and i think the 'E' was one of them ... having done so mutch work on myself (unknowingly) yet 'going the last mile', so to speak using 'E' ... i think to 'hike up' my vibration further and intensify my presense in the moment (orgasm also intensifies your presense in the moment and takes you away from thought... so i realise in hindsight), - So it's kinda like right at the last moment i went up too quickly and didn't have time to 'adjust' and level out to that vibration. .... so coming back from that experience, thought and fear and old patterns come back in. I was still pretty traumatised and extremely emotional at the time, despite the insights i was having, and then the experience itself, was ANOTHER mindfuck to deal with, and even in the next few days i began to doubt the reality of it.
But nevermind ... it was needed at the time and was 'sanctioned' so to speak. And i knew back then that next time was gonna be without the use or need for drugs to act as a 'key', ... indeed the light told me to 'come back straight' next time.
Richard, the shamanic cousellor i saw years ago, said to me, "You've got a little way to go yet but you will eventually do what you came here to do." - And that alone has given me faith in the years since, so... whatever works at the time. Actually he also talked about 'not waking up too soon' and gave an analogy of our guides 'putting on makeup while we sleep to reinforce our mask (albeit a paper thin one), for just this purpose... so we don't wake up too soon, ... so we look in the mirror and we are still the same person we were yesterday.
Y'know ... life is a journey, not a destination, ... there's learning and stuff.

 

Liquidlight said - I realised that 'K' had stonewalled me because she didn't want to look at herself, didn't wan't to accept that she had some issues, No, for her it was all my fault... i was the messed up one. I realised how mutch fear she had underneath her 'strong' facade, and ultimately i realised that i shouldn't force her to look either, ... it would have been more than she could bear at the time, so i began to accept that i should just let her go, as mutch as i didn't want to. I had to.

I say -creepy. that's pretty much the exact situation I'm in, except at least M hasn't decided to hate me. Even she doesnt' know or understand why she's mad at me, and she knows it's irrational.