Attraction

In simple terms i think it has to do with a difference in vibration - although our vibration fluctuates and changes, a higher vibration lends itself to trust and freedom, whereas a lower vibration makes one cling to materiality like ones life depended on it. 'K' was mad at everyone back then and simply could not be 'on her own'. She lived in fear and expected the man in her life (all of whom she was aggressive towards) to somehow make everything right; but thats not real and ultimately won't work ... probably why she was angry alot of the time.

 

man i wish

 

atla23 .... Wish what?

 

to the initial question at the beginning of this thread

 

Ah!

 

LL, I did some thinking as well, last night, and I think I've figured out how to handle this from my side of things. I've simply asked the universe to take all the angry, spiteful energy she's sending towards me, and return it to her as loving, positive energy. There's no reason for me to shut down or silence parts of myself if it's not a survival situation. If it turns to that, then I'll consider it, but I think that this will be a much more constructive solution. Especially as I've forgiven her. I don't want revenge or for her to hurt too...actually the top concern in my mind is for her to 'not' hurt. Which, if I stopped it cold, and stonewalled her, she might hurt herself trying to get through and wound me.

 

I still don't understand the whole vibration thing.

So, do you attract people based on a vibration you send out? If that's so then where does this whole "mirror" thing come into play? It just doesn't seem to fit my situation.

I mean, when I first met her I was intimidated because she's a locally established musician and it made me feel slightly inferior. But I stopped being intimidated eventually....its not a common thing when I meet a woman and feel this way.

 

allow me to explain:
everything in our universe has a vibration, and this vibration fluctuates when other vibrations enter their space, or "vibration fields" if you will. when two vibration fields are unmatched, they tend to repel each other, but on the other hand if the two vibrations are close enough, they will vibrate in harmony and be attracted to each other.

 

Our vibration is a product of our awareness and how we manifest that awareness in our thoughts and behaviour in the world of creation, but the real you is beyond the manifestation you've created and chosen. So don't worry too mutch about it.

 

Mysterious Night, your vibration changes with your moods, but usually not very much. It changes a lot more when your attitude changes - but attitudes are harder to change, usually requiring lots of experiences and years. And most of those experiences are brought about through our relationships - which are determined by our vibrations! So you could say that our vibrations bring about the relationships and experiences we need. You can become more aware of how your moods and attitudes affect your relationships, if you try to pay close attention over time.

There's really no direct tie-in with the mirror thing, it's just two ways of talking about what happens in relationships. The way vibrations work is to bring us together with people who tend to mirror our shadow selves, that's all. And they tend to bring into our lives things we fear or reject - as well as things we love and desire - because love and fear both direct creative energy - in the form of vibrations.

I really would have to know a LOT more about your situation to have any idea how these principles have created the conditions of your life. However from the little you said, I could see how intimidation could attract you - in fact, the same thing has happened to me. Intimidation kind of forces our attention on someone, even though it's a somewhat negative form of attention. However there are obviously other aspects to this woman that attract you besides the initial intimidation.

 

Hey 25yrs, that's excellent. Why bother not loving? It really sounds like you understand love. It doesn't cost anything after all.
But also remember you've both chosen it and agreed to it on a level where you are both one. Think about how your 'awareness' and hers are one for a while and consider how this is a kind of drama for learning to love and remember that oneness you already share, for you both. However it sounds like you're already begining to see this. Her maybe not .. yet.

 

yeah, a case of 'waiting' is the hardest part.

We've often said that to the other of 'what happens to one of us....' and never really had to finish it, we knew what it meant.

I just wish she wasn't so wrapped up in her hurt, even though I understand it. I've made it clear that I'm willing to do whatever's good for both of us, even if it means walking away. We feel each other, thinking about the other, and sometimes it's reassuring, sometimes it's painful.

I do love her, but I can't be a target because she refuses to take care of herself and her own issues. I've offered to help her any way I could, gotten my hands bitten for the offer, but still care.

I do love her, the kind of love that stories are written about, that inspires people to do great things, because of it. I might be hurt because of this, but I told her this, and I meant it. 'Always.' It became our word, for always cherished, always loved, always forgiven, always safe. I think, in her blindness, she's forgotten what it means. I hope she remembers.

 

I actually had to walk away and it was the most painful thing i've ever done, but there was a dawning in conciousness that enabled me to do so ... I was already with her, the real her, outside of her egoic self and earthly personality, i was at peace with it and myself. Her egoic self wasn't real and i wasn't letting go of anything but an illusion that we were separate. Right at that time i had a beautiful dream in which we forgave eachother and were reconciled.
In letting go of her i was suddenly with her. It was the right thing to do for me and she has now been with a guy for a long time (I've known this guy and he's really ok) and they have a few children together. Actually i saw them all out cycling together a couple of weeks ago which was wierd, .. i had to walk right behind her and i don't think they even saw me. Things like that used to rattle me and bring out pain, but i was fine with it that day.

...for a good while back then i decided i was going to wait ... my whole life if need be, until i realised there's nothing to wait for, ...is no waiting ... i was with her NOW.
Anyway a quote fro Sri Aurobindo "Always safe in the mother."

 

(nods sadly)

yeah. I'm hoping it doesn't involve walking away, but if it does...(shrugs) it does.

somehow it reminds me of a saying 'when a man has no rice, the wisest thing he can do is fast'

Thanks for your help, my friend. This is a very difficult time for me.

 

I watched the film 'Hancock' a couple of times recently. I have a twin sister and anything involving 'soulmates' or pairs of opposites and suchlike brings out a desire and pain in me and it seems to be part of my 'myth', part of my purpose, to be able to live apart from my 'beloved' yet still in the world together. It's just about learning to be whole and not 'dependant' or 'a part of' another, not dependant on 'this form and personality' or 'that form and personality' ... it's just about being free so i can roll with life and not get stuck because it's my relationship with life that is central here. It doesn't mean i can't be with a woman, just that there are some prerequisites i need to meet before i can have a relationship which isn't destructive and which i don't get stuck on and lose myself in. I need to know who i am first, thats all.
I know my path is a little different from that of alot of people, and there's a certain ammount of 'trailblazing' going on in the sense of this 'evolution of conciousness' and how that alters our perception of relationships ... ie. Not EXPECTING to be with someone my whole life long, and not needing a relationship to be whole or feel fulfilled.
When we are whole we can really GIVE to a relationship instead of taking and depending. So after that last painful relationship with that woman, obviously things need to be put into perspective, because i don't want that pain again.
I think you're learning to be whole too but whether you're in a 'intimate special relationship' or out of one like me, we have to work with what we've got and what is, so .... just carry on doing what you're doing i guess and trust in the process.

 

(sits, reading, rereading and considering what you're saying)

You know...I also had the thought, that if she continues on with the attitude she has right now...then she's not a person that would be healthy for me to be with. I'm starting to grok about her being a shadow of myself, and having walked the dark and had to look at that part of myself to come out, all I can say is, 'she's a very poor shadow of me.'

I do need to sit back (weird fruedian slip...first time I typed 'sick back') and get a good dose of perspective. Ironic, since I'm the one people around depend on to help them get a dose of perspective.

Guess the universe is telling me to take care of myself, before I screw myself up so bad I'm of no use to anyone. I'm seeing a lot of 'warning' in her behavior, and that hurts a bit, but when it boils down to it, the truth is simple..very simple, and very blunt.

 

Hmmm...

So, our relationships with people are based on how we feel about ourselves? In a way, I already knew that.

Well, what about this....

What about a person that just won't get out of your life? What if you've become indifferent about a person staying in or out of your life, and they just don't go away. It's not really a bad thing, but it could be. Are you attracting it? Or are they part of some other....thing?

 

yeah, it seems like the people that you don't care if they stay..or worse yet, really really really just want to GO want to malinger around forever. I think it's a boundary issue, in they can get attention, of any sort, without having to put in anything but their presence. It bugs you, you tell them to sod off, and they stick around that much longer.

 

Well, firstly i love Fruedian slips ...always really funny.

I just want to reiterate that in my experience with 'K' i found two distinct 'hers' so to speak ... On the one hand her 'earthly personality' ... fearful, manipulative, angry, aggressive, judgemental, self rightous (not alot of positives!) and behind that, seemingly desparate to get out ... her real loving self free from pain and harm ... that spark of god that nothing can destroy or take away. ... the potential in her that she could be and IS on that level of being. She could reach that part in her when she was high or tripping and those were the times when she revealed that to me and i saw that potential. Through her abuse as a child and teenager i believe at some point she was pushed to let go of her fear and she met the light, like i did later on. But like myself she couldn't hang on to that state and became mind orientated again. But she had seen and not forgotten ... but the mind and ego screwed it all up again, and one slips into unconciousness again. This is a problem with drugs ... one can go too far, too quickly, ... gain those insights and yet forget them immediately and not be able to live them, to bring them through your being and into this world.
For instance; "It doesn't matter!." she said, and "I love you and i will always love you." .... Well it sounded great at the time but she clearly couldn't live these words; Things DID matter, and she clearly DIDN'T love me. Yet those words remain true on a real level of being ... of who we REALLY are and i should take them as the words of god, as i do.
But the point being that she wasn't able to manifest that in her life, despite knowing the ultimate truth of those words. She get's top marks for trying though, and i love how she tried so hard to find love and happiness. And i love how she tried to help me, despite the fact that she hid her intent from me and gave up at the first hurdle leaving me stranded and messed up.
I mentioned she stonewalled me ... another cock up. Stonewalling someone doesn't help them let go at all. It just kept me locked in with no real closure, no communication and hence no 'dealing with it". She wanted to just pretend it never happened, which is exactly what she tried to do. So if stonewalling wasn't enough, now she's in denial! And i'm left not in a good situation at all.
Totally bloody irresponsible!!
The only way for me to escape now was to become some kind of super human, all-compassionate, all-understanding GOD! ... which luckily for me i did, but only long enough for me to understand her fuckedupness, let go of my anger and grievance, and just let go. But wait, now 'I' had let go, suddenly she phones my mother to say "I'd love to talk to him but he's got to sort himself out first." ... Well, fuck that for a game of soldiers! I wasn't going back. I'd realised the NOW is the only time we have... and she was stalling for a tomorrow that was never to come. She wanted me on a leash, ... to blame and condemn, and be there as backup whenever things fell through for her.
I'll be a gimp for god, but not ego.

Some words from Eckhart:
"If in your relationships you experience both love, and the opposite of love - attack, emotional violence, and so on ... then it is likely that you are confusing ego attatchment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite. If your 'love' has an opposite then it is not love but a strong ego-need for a more complete and deeper sense of self, a need that the other person temporarily meets. It is the egos substitute for salvation, and for a short time it almost does feel like salvation."

 

LL, practically verbatim. Are you sure you're not talking about M?

Same behavior, perhaps to a slightly lesser degree, but same behavior, same 'putting things off,' same stonewalling, same denail, some expectation that 'I' have to become the everloving martyr to accept whatever she wants to throw at me, same denial she's doing any of it, and the part that really buggered me the most. Inconsistancy. Her words said one thing...her actions, the entire world's difference. She'd get mad when I'd take situations by her actions, not her words, and she got madder still when I said 'Because actions are clear. If you shoot me, then you shoot me and there's no bsing about it. There's no pretense, no fabrication, no sham or illusion.' Every time we got into a 'discussion' that was something unpleasant for me, she wanted to dig and poke and find out what was 'really' wrong. But if the tables turned, her first comment is 'I can't deal with this, and I'm not discussing it'. and she'd shut off communication. I can stand someone shouting at me, but I can't handle someone just walking away. If they're shouting, at least they care enough to be angry, but still be there. Walking away to me says 'this isn't worth bothering with'.

Yes, she's got this beautiful loving person she 'could' be inside, but she doesnt' want that person to come out, some part of her's keeping that person hidden.

I know not only what triggered it, but I have the keys for her to overcome this and be just exactly who she wants to be, but she's shoved me away, for that very reason, because for her to admit that I CAN show her what's going on and how to overcome it, it means she'll have to admit there's something wrong in the first place...and she's not good at taking responsibility. Make a huge emotional mess of things and then 'don't worry, Abi'll clean it up.' I cannot clean up her messes. Only she can, and that's probably the hardest lesson to learn, especially for those of us that care unconditionally....to stand back and let those we love take their own lumps so they'll grow. Our wish to love, protect, cherish and care for sometimes clouds our judgment. Now, she's going to have to get herself out, and honestly, if she pulls herself through this, I'll have the world's respect for her, but I can't save her from herself...and right now, that's her worst enemy.

you want to know the great irony? I wonder how many women are reading this thread going 'guys don't have these deep discussions'