So i wasnt sure where to post this , but i decided since its about my "lesbain" and her parnter, i thought here would be fine. So yesterday, while my mother was at work ( she's does private care for a disabled gentleman) her girlfriend showed up and started blowing up my moms cell, constantly ringing the buzzer ( to get intothe building) going around to the back ( where there is a porch off her clients apartment) trying to get at my mom. She was really scaring my mother, to the point where she called my sister ( who is the weekend staff for the same gentleman), to come and help her get whatever chores where left and "escort" mer ( my mom) out of the building. While her girlfriend was ringing the buzzer, on of the other tenants let her in the locked door. So now in the building, she knocks on the door, my mom thinking it was my sister opened without looking out the peep hole, and it was her GF. Quickly she tried to shut the door, but her gf shoved the door open, screaming flipping out, she grabbed my moms throat sqeezed, and shoved her backwards, right into the bedroom door frame. HEr GF was drunk and had been since the day before ( like chuggin beers at 10 am). She psuhed choked hit, my mom. So somehow my mom convinces her to go to her car, and once again locks her out the main door, she called my aunt and i ( we were waiting for her to come over and have dinner in my aunts new apartment), crying hysterically, we drive over to my moms job, pick up my sister on the way who we saw running there crying ( btw my sister is pregnant). So we all get over there in less than 5 minutes, and my moms GF is once again at the buzzer, and flipping and drunk. My sister walks in ( with her keys) and GF tried to follow her and catch the door before it closes, my aunt ( who works with mentally disabled people) get out of the car and tries to calm GF down and redirect her ( tries to get her to get in the car and leave) very calmly shes doing this and im standing next to car waiting to see my mom come out the door. what ever it all gets worse and i tell the GF if she doesnt leave i will call the police, and she starts buggin out at me, n i told her " look you put your hands on my mother, your done you can leave now by yourself or i will call the police! Dont ever call talk come near any of my family especially my mom, your both are over. !!!!!!" as she poceeded to coe towards me, i can hold my own but shes a big girl, like 5'7' 200-230 lbs, so she a whole lot of angery person. I was extremely nervous, cuz if she had gotten any closer I would have faught her, and Im not merciful by any mean, especially when im angery, thank god for my aunt, she got the house mailbox keys and my moms cell phone which she still had from when she attacked my mom. I went home, mom and aunt waiting in the car incase she was already here, i packed all of her and her kids stuff, called both them told them come get all your stuff its on the porch and this is the first last and only warning dissappear and leave us alone or i will press charges. Anyway, drunk GF, came and got their stuff after we left, and i told her daughter, if she ever needed anything she could call me. But the whole point of all of this is, Im so angery at her. How can she claim to love my mother, but attack her?? IT not right and i want so much hate her, and again i feel so much pity and sorrow for this woman. I know she needs help, anger management, counsiling, AA, something!!!! All i want to do is hate her and do anything i can to hurt her back, but i cant all i feel is anger, sorrow and pity. I know anything I do will come back to me ( karma), so i want to do the right thing and i want to be able to tell my mom that its all ok and well be fine. Were very close we tell each other everything, yes we do get into fights and arguements sometimes, but its my mom and i love her. So what do i do???? how do i make sure my mothers ok ( emotionally) and how do i deal with this feelings that are conflicting with what my brain is saying ( brain say fuck her whole world up, heart saying pity her and help her get some professional help)???? IM so confused. and a whole lot of angery! Any advice would be very helpful. _JOffree
Hey, This sounds like a really hard situation. All abuse situations are hard. Even harder when there are children, etc involved. As for, how can someone claim they love another person and than go an hurt them emotionally, physically, or verbally.....there are a million explanations. When they are all stripped down, though, the reason is the love isn't realy. Love is not angry, it is not possessive, it is not conditional, and is certainly not hurtful. Either your mothers girlfriend doesn't really love your mom, or doesn't love herself enough to love anyone else. I, myself, have been in two very abusive relationships with women who I thought loved me. And I think they thought they loved me. The logic is usually along the lines of being "so in love" that they cant control their anger, jealousy, possessiveness, etc. The trap comes in that the person (or the family in your case) who is the victim feels obligated to help this person be able to love themselves, or get past their own life trauma. The hard part to get past our thick-headed-compassionatism is that we can't save everyone. It was hard for me with my first girlfriend. She was crazy (really....certifiable....taken away by the sheriffs to the psych ward). She was incredibly abusive, but I felt like I had to support her through her own trauma and problems. The truth, though, is that I was not qualified to take care of her in that capacity. You, likewise, are not responsible for your mothers GF. I, totally, understand your heartfelt desire to help her through this troubled part of her life. The best you can do for her is send her pamphlets or info on local resources and then let it go. You can't help her if she is hurting you and your family. Victims of abuse can't save their abuser. And you are a victim just as your mother is. If she comes back at you and your family, honestly the best thing you can do for her is to call the cops. It seems mean, but it is the best way to get her help. That's what the justice system is supposed to do. They are the only ones that can force her into counseling or rehab or whatever she may need to treat her own problems.
I agree 100%. The only way to take care of a abusive relationship when words will not work is the law. Your mom was 1 lucky woman that the outcome wasn't far worse. I have dealt w/many drunks over the yrs (both men n woman) n when they r in this state, their adreniline is pumping and their not rational at all. My heart n my best go out to you n your family. I must say this, if any type of harrassment from this ex, happens again, please, call the police immediately. Also, the worst thing your mom could do right now, is take this person back untill they get both Alcaholic as well as anger management help. Taking back a alcaholic who swears they will never do it again w/out getting sober, is only allowing you 2 become a enabler. Also, their is a group of people available in almost every town in every state in the USA, that can help w/ Alcaholics n their familys. It's called Ala-Non. They have a 1800 number. Check your local phone book. I saw you wrote the ex has a daughter and you said 2 the daughter she could call you if she needed help. Well, here's a group that could help her w/her mom's alcaholism.
aw thank you all very much for your help. Sorry i havent been on more but i just started school again and a new job so life has been really carazy. So a new update, my mother and I arent fighting anymore, about her gf ( yes they goit back together ew) anyway, i told them both what goes on between them is between them, and basically if they kill each other, it sucks to be them, cuz im not dealing with their love issues when i dont even understand how to deal with my own. so Thank you all very much for the time and thought put into your responses, i am truely grateful. Blessed be -J
