This true story needs a good ending. The names have been changed to protect the beautiful, the beastly, and all those who blur the defining lines. I entered public school in fifth grade. Home schooled up to this point, I was a "gifted" child, although "cursed" is the word I most often chose to describe myself after the first day. I spent each day careening between frustration with the supine morons that surrounded me, and deep sadness, both felt with an intensity that only cold loneliness can help magnify. After all, if these were my peers, why did they seem to hate me so much? Why were they so bent on making me feel so alone, so worthless? It seemed I was without friends - my own worst enemy, but only after the whole student body was accounted for. But one day... It was recess, just after lunch. I was just walking, passing the time until the bell rang. The air was crisp, precisely the temperature at which clear and yet faraway autumn memories should be served. The only leaves left on the cottonwoods and maples were the real troupers. If the first snow hadn't fallen yet, it surely did in the days following. But, the point of my story has very little to do with the weather. In fact after I first laid eyes on Sarah the state of outdoor conditions was the furthest thing from my mind for quite some time. Now, historically, words have always served me quite well... I find that often they can be far more reliable, interesting, and humble than even the most admirable people humanity has to offer. Keeping that in mind, know this: the only time in my life that a dictionary or thesaurus has failed to find the right words is now, as I make (or, rather, willfully abstain from) this attempt at describing the beauty that went walking before my eyes. After I realized that what I saw wasn't a dream, I realized also that my jaw needed picking up from the pebbles and wood chips. I did so just in time for her to glance over and catch me midway through the endeavor. Our eyes locked. I froze. Later, I became quite interested in why my heart hadn't signed a letter of resignation and quit on the spot, or beat himself to death, in the frenzied, desperate style of a chronic masturbator. I remember very clearly, while I was still in recovery - recoiling from the initial event, I heard someone say, "I think he likes you, Sarah..." As if it weren't obvious enough, the random friend confirms it to the world. My hat's off to you. Just at the point I think that my capacity for loathing others has been maxed out, you thought to say that. Thank you, genuinely, for raising the bar, I said inwardly. For the rest of the day, all I could think about was this Sarah. And, by "the day," I mean "the week." And, of course, by "the week," I mean "the seven years until graduation." In the meantime, I grew up along with everyone else. Eventually, as puberty requires and high school doctrine dictates, I dated a few girls between then and now. The first was Ann. I loved her, in the sense of what an intelligent, but inexperienced boy in seventh grade deems love must be. But, shortly after, a new girl came to the school and I broke up with Ann and started dating Megan - for about a week. Megan proceeded to break up with me for my friend. Ashamed and desperate, I weakly begged forgiveness of my beloved Ann, and eventually we were once again a couple, but with a twist. At random intervals, she would admit screwing my ex-friend. At this point, I naturally considered us not to be exclusive anymore and opened myself to the market. Sara R. was the first to bite, although all I could think about was how to get Ann's loyalty back, so we ended our fling shortly after it began. Ann and I eventually split for good during sophomore year, and I, hating my life more than ever, began to act out. Eventually I was suspended for the remainder of that year. I started to really think about Sarah for the first time since middle school. I never thought I was good enough to ask her out, and that still held true. I thought how nice it would be to love and live with Sarah. I thought about how I had wasted all that time letting myself be fooled - trying to believe the old adage... "There are other fish in the sea." But, sometimes, in life, you just realize things about what you want in life, and you know them with your whole heart. They don't make you confused, or unsure. They are the purest feelings a person can have. It is only in enacting the ideas - making them reality instead of fantasy - that can be scary and disrupt lives already in motion. I have known that I wanted Sarah since the first time I saw her. (If you have come this far with me, dear reader, please endure the tedious story of my life just a little longer.) As we approached Christmas break, junior year, Sarah and I had a class together. On the last day before the vacation started, I gave her a small bracelet and a card asking her out. After six years of knowing her and barely exchanging more than a few words, I just gave it my all and was promptly denied the day we came back. "I just haven't had a good experience dating people from school." We hugged and that was that… Reflecting now, I can see that it was perhaps unwise to ask for a date right out of the gate, that maybe it was weird for her to be asked out by an almost total stranger. Now it has over been a year since the last I last saw of her, at Senior Prom, where I almost lost my dinner. As I danced with my date, I saw Sarah - without one... I wanted so badly to take her in my arms and hold her there forever. Still holding my date, (actually my girlfriend of about a year at this point) I felt a profound perversity in the situation, and promptly retired to the men's room in case I became sick. That night led to a breakup between my prom date and I that I do not regret having to do. But, now I have come full circle - back to where I started, except I have no idea how to find the girl I have truly loved since that chilly fall afternoon. I think actually, I am too cowardly to even begin to try. I grow tired of the cycle which I've been a part of too long. I hate trying to fill the void Sarah leaves in my life with other women. I only end up hurting other people, once I realize again that it is a useless gesture, to scoff at and deny the truth I alone know (until today, that is.) And so, I implore you, my patient reader... tell me what I can do. Relieve my heavy heart. [A curious note: Ann apparently talked to Sarah at some point during that break, and this information was exchanged - that I had asked Sarah out. Whether the two were close or if Ann just told Sarah to say no or whatever... I don't know, but it still bothers me.]
Well, if there's one thing I know, is that a girl's feelings are the most complex in the universe. My story is still similar to yours, except, I'm about to start high school, and my girl is named Andria. Jeez, I remember the first day I saw it. I didn't think much, but just something about her. She wasn't drop dead gorgeous, she wasn't hot, but they was a beauty in her. A hidden one. Not seen by a simple glance, but once you see it, it's beautiful. I remember through elementary, I would gaze at her during class now and then. Mostly all the time. I knew she didn't like me, but the entire school pretty much knew I liked her. Once we graduated, I went to a different middle school because I thought she was going to that one, but it turned out she couldn't. So I was stuck with this brand new school. For 2 years, I toughed it out at this middle school, and during that time, I learned she actually did like me back, but it turns out, not so much anymore...however, I won't give up. Like you said, with this kind of feeling, you just can't move on, and look for someone else. You have to chase this one. You inspired me to keep going after her, because I still have a chance. So, thank you. And if there's anything I can do, all I know is not to give up or lose hope. Good luck.
Very well written. I feel for you, my story is alot alike.. but I got the girl in the end.. then it blew up in my face after two years. I kinda wish it never happend. I think if its meant to happen it will. I don't think things just happen on thier own though. I think maybe.. if your really meant to be with this girl, forever, for a period of time.. who knows?... that the opportunity will surface for it to happen. If not then.. maybe shes not for you. Maybe theres someone else later on in time. Maybe your heart senses something in hers that pulls it in.. Maybe she hasn't imbraced such things.. maybe one day your hearts will feel each other and connect. Don't feel defeated, try to learn as much as you can through your experinces and follow your heart's will each time it feels right and you'll do ok. Good luck brother.
