Anxiety and Depersonalization Help

Alright, so I've been a sufferer of depersonalization since my freshmen year in high school. I can remember my first episode clearly, I was sitting in an ice cream store with my friends and as I turned my head, perception and reality shifted. I don't know how I didn't panic, or didn't scream, but I just observed everything and went home to sleep it off. Sleeping it off didn't work and I woke up for probably 5 months thinking "Goddamnit, I didn't sleep this feeling away" and didn't tell any one about how I was feeling. Then it left, then returned again when I was away at camp, I remember just staring at my best friend, totally dead eyed and saying "I feel like I've lost my soul. I'm trapped between life and death, I can't be around kids and help them because I really need help myself...", and at this point I was hospitalized, got better. Then again, it disappeared. And now I am in another bout with depersonalization, it's probably been about a month feeling like this. The only time of clarity I have is the 5 minutes after I wake up, before it all hits me I guess.

And I've been on a journey to "cure" myself. How I feel is a great void and disconnection between the mind body and spirit. I know I'm living, but I can't feel it. I know I love the people around me and they love me, but it doesn't seem to penetrate my skin. It makes me hug harder because I can't feel the warmth, so I hug really really hard trying to extract some good feelings. I'm kind of just doing things emotionless, and when emotions are experienced, they are overwhelming and existential. Which makes things like meditation difficult because it feels like I'm widening this void. I constantly try to "busy" myself, but that just makes times of "relaxation" overwhelming and uncomfortable. Like, I dread flying, and it's not because of dying or crashing or whatever, it's because I cannot comfortable sit with my own thoughts for a long period of time.

But to others suffering from this mental perception shift, I found a really great quote today that helped me out a ton:

"... it's the opposite of insanity. It's like being too sane. You become hypervigilant of your existence and things around you"

Which is extremely true. I often feel like the person I use to be no longer exists, that I've gone out too far past my boundaries and will never return to the girl I was before, but that quote really hit me hard and gave me some comfort. It's really hard because I always intellectualized to gain comfort, I'm very analytical and like hard facts. But depersonalization as a singular disorder is very under researched. Many people say "Oh, your stuck for life" and I've read things where people have been like this for 15+ years. But this is nonsense because "getting stuck" in DP is our own doing, breaking the habit it the difficult part. I feel I am ready to recover, ready to feel awesome and regain a zest for life but the literature and resources are lacking greatly. All of this inspires me to go into the field and conduct my own research, but I still have a little ways to go in school! But I don't know where I'm going with this really, but I've stopped putting substances into my body because i know that isn't helping. I'm trying everything in my power to gain peace of mind but their isn't really a map or guide to followed because this disorder is so under researched. Hopefully, I will be able to find something that works and then share my methods with others.

Are there any other DP/ DR sufferers out there that are sharing a similar journey?

 

When people your age begin to come out of their embryonic shell, the world outside is both intimidating and alluring.

This war between the two selves finds more balance as you head into the future. That's why they call it maturity. People usually begin to mellow by the time they enter their 30's.

In other words...keep moving. You gain this knowledge through experience. Family, career, and world events will all contribute to those lessons. They will give you a structure you currently don't have. When you have a structure in place, you can build things on it.

You can settle down. Stay a while. Raise a reality around you.

Right now, you're a tumbleweed. Blowing down the road at the mercy of what pushes against you.

Time to get a grip.


x

 

The world makes victims of us all. It is a world of darkness, injustice reigns where justice ought to be. There is no rest for the good and eternal wealth for the wicked. I say it is all useless. Be merry and thankful, try and enjoy your life, for when you die, no more will you feel the woes of this dark and miserable world.

I share your pain and I can relate to it. The thing is, you need to be aware and then recognise that you need some kind of intervention.There are a lot of organisations who will consider your circumstances and if you feel desperate. Go to the local hospital.

Wisdom is a weapon that fools are afraid of. But it only takes one fool to undo all that is wise and good. Be not afraid if you have wisdom you are always a step ahead of your enemies. THis is the playground, the prison yard. Welcome to the world. YOu will see things have changed and you have grown up into an era of discontent, looming recession, rising food costs and increasing tensions across the world. When I was 18, life was different to now. After 2001, the world became a place of terror. The moon offers more sanctuary. Even Venus isn't as hostile as some places here on Earth.

 

Wow... i can totally relate. So here is my story. About three months ago i was driving passenger in the back seat of my freinds car. I had been obsessing myself with thoughts of reality, conciousness, the universe, blah blah for months at this point. Suddenly i felt like i had gone totally insane. It is impossible to explain the intense wave of panic and anxiety that gripped my mind. It took all my power to hold back myself from freaking out and telling them to pull over so i could get out of the car and gain control. It felt like i would never gain control again. I soon began to feel better but for the next week or so was in constant worry of this happening again. I couldnt sleep, was having disturbing thoughts of going crazy, thinking if this never went away how could i live like this.

It seemed to go away although i sometimes thought of how i felt that day.

Two weeks ago i was at my summer job cashiering. I was agian thinking about reality, conciousness, the vastness of the universe, how could this all be real? I again had a panic anxiety attack. I didnt feel better for about a week. That week was spent obsessing about this feeling. Was i dreaming? Was i dead? My existence was slipping away in my own mind. Everthing felt so surreal. Even my own existence. I felt like nobody could understand what i was going through. I felt so alone, helpless, desperate!! I had about two days feeling better then it all came back. I feel so shitty all the time now. I want this to go away. Please help