Bad Parenting? please give your opinion

Has he EVER had the child not around the mother? Overnight? BobbinBecca made an excellent point. How can he ever expect to get custody if he doesn't have any experience with the child alone? You know, it's not hard to get a job and a decent two bedroom house. When I left my ex, I stayed at my mom's for 2 WEEKS, got a job paying 8 bucks an hour to make coffee, got a tiny little 2 bedroom house and moved in. His child support paid day care, and I did the rest. If you have a child, you do whatever is earthly possible for them. He can get food stamps, medicaid, etc. The government can help people who need it, but you have to get off your ass and DO IT!! Talking about it isn't going to get shit done.


FYI, men, hell people, don't "flip around 100% from what they used to be". Change is gradual, and it takes years to go from one extreme to another.

 

I believe that on a certian level, ..about change taking years....but if you try hard enough, it can get done in less time. My brother was an alcoholic, a BAD drug user, etc (not getting into that) It took him only a few months to stop drinking.. and damn did he drink heavy.....it took him two months to stop every drug he did, and he's STILL clean...it's been about 2 years now. Will power is stronger in some people than others.

There are some things i'm not telling you guys, and i see that since i am not telling you, i am getting feedback that i feel is negative on some points. I do not say them because i feel they are more personal than the internet.. but nothing like molesting a child or murdering someone or beating someone. I know this is a forum that hardly anyone knows one another...but yeah.
But, i CAN say, that TRUTHFULLY, my boyfriend HAS flipped around COMPLETELY from the way he was. It does take time......yes....and it has taken time.. but this year has been one of the most gradual steps for him, and anyone that knows him can say he's changed QUITE close to 100%.

He's had the child alone before....quite a bit.... he took care of her for quite a long while by himself.

 

Oh yes, i forgot something.
I am as nice as ever to this woman to her face.....i am nicer to her than she diserves, but i can not be mean..it's just not ME anymore...i grew out of being mean (hahahha...long story on that one too)
I witnessed a few times where the father asked the mother if he could take his child up to the park for about an hour, or to McDonalds, and the mother has said No because she feels that if she lets him take her, even just to the park, he will take her for good....she's said that to me before is how i can say that. She's paranoid of almost ANYONE taking the child away from her.
I know you can't really trust people's word, but i know about 15 different people that live near her, that can say she's that way ALL the time....as well as her Fiancee.....her fiancee talks about the way she is...and it's exactly how i described...but once again, who knows. ...but from what i see...i don't like it.
Maybe i could trust one of you, and maybe be comfortable enough with one of you, to take you one on one and tell you what i'm not sharing in this thread. ..i don't know.
I DO want to know things, but i can't know them unless i ask someone that has experienced working with DFS.....i want to know for MYSELF, not someone telling me that someone else said this or that... i like to hear things for myself..it helps me understand more that way.

 

Do everything you can in your power to get tha tlittle girl out of that situation and into the custody of her father

 

I know some of the things sound harsh, but we are just trying to show you the reality of things. That women seems to be justified in her paranoia, her child is in a situation where she SHOULD be taken away from her. Question: what kind of court order do you guys have? Does he just pay child support? Does he have ANY visitation rights?


I think it is unanimous here that she should not be in custody with the mother, but it SEEMS to us that the father needs to get his shit together, too. Note I said seems. He needs to makes his living situation 10000% better than the one she is already in. And not next year. NOW.

 

Thanks for fleshing out some more of your situation. I was trying to be a mother's advocate here because most of the time a mother is vital to a child's upbringing and the mother is a person who really wants to be a good mother and doesn't want a child in the type of life this child may be in. I still think the mother may just need compassion and advocacy here so she can turn around too and create a cooperative parenting environment with your bf. IMO that is the best way, to have both parents in her life.
Of course we don't have the whole story here and can't/shouldn't make a judgement. But we're all happy to offer advice! and hope you take some of it. I am wary of DFS because sometimes they have as little to go on as us here, and they can make the wrong decisions-- I wish in some cases they just offered advice, acted as mediators and advocates and supported you through the legal system instead of through foster care and breakups. My advice to your bf certainly would be to collect evidence (legally of course) and take the mother to court. That costs more money than DFS but money shouldn't matter when you are doing the right thing. Part of the evidence should be the great home environment he'll provide. And why can't that be in his mother's home? If she's as willing to take the child as he is that should be a compelling case for custody. Can you deal with that, having a plan of him living with his mother for the next year while you save for your own place? there shouldn't be such a stigma about that IMO.
Yikes, sorry for the long post
becca

 

OMG, I read that post and nearly cried. That poor child is definitly being abused and neglected. That's just horrible, the poor little baby. I can't understand how people can be that way.

I would contact someone. What's going on just isn't right.

Peace, and good luck...

 

From the first 3 sentances alone, I say she doesn't LOVE that child. Not at all.
Call 'em, and offer to help if you're able. talk the father up. Let them know how HE feels. Sometimes the kids really are better off with Dad than Mom.

 

I just thought i'd get on here and leave a quick note for those who might read this still...
The baby girl is in her father's custody as of tonight when he picks her up from her mothers house!
ooooh gee i am on a high that won't quit right now!

 

Congrats on getting the baby but DO NOT have a child with this man.
Women become "lunatics" when they're pregnant...it's called hormones.
Only the worst men leave over this. And they tend to repeat the pattern with the next woman. Men rarely change an MO.
If he KNEW she was "a lunatic" and placed tha baby back with her he is highly irresponsible....as bad as claiming that he couldn't afford the baby...women do it alone with no support every day...but he would risk a childs safety for HOW long WHILE employed???
Please...he's like a child with a part time puppy. He probably figures you or his mother will take care of the child and he'll get good attention (fucked) for doing the "right" thing. Once you or mum stop helping out enough that child will either become neglected or go back to the mother.

Sorry..I say it like I see it...men are good con men when they're getting layed. Many were not meant to be fathers. I don't think the mother is the only immature party in this situation.

 

I'd see if I could get a friend to call CPS about this, though I have to agree with Maggie on the unlikelihood that CPS will do anything. I recently moved out of a cooperative, partly because I could not handle the abuse I was witnessing on a daily basis by a woman there. She had a 12 year old and an 18 month old - she had pulled the 12 year old out of school, supposedly to homeschool her, but ended up using her as a replacement mommy for the baby, who had fetal alcohol syndrome. She smoked around the kids, screamed at them all the time, didn't feed them (which led to the 12 year old feeding the younger one doughnuts and other pastries), and never cleaned their room. There were dirty diapers, old food, and garbage EVERYWHERE and the room smelled like shit all the time. At one point the younger one with FAS had sores on her feet which the mom didn't even notice. She also had her sleeping in a filthy CLOSET (though at least she had removed the door and put a baby gate up). She used to just stick the baby in the closet, where she would scream for hours - I'd go in and see her in there, her face completely red and puffy from screaming and crying, and tell her mom that she was really distraught, and the mom would tell me to fuck off because she was usually either drunk or snorting coke with some sleazy random guy while the baby was screaming. I and other house members used to have to buy diapers and baby wipes for the 12 year old to use on the baby, because the mom would spend all her money on drugs or alcohol rather than on her kids.

Our house tried to have an "intervention" with this mom and offered her help (and even a rent reduction or grace period if she would go to rehab or a day program), but she refused, got angry, and quit paying rent altogether. At least 4 of us, including myself, called CPS, believing that these children were very clearly being neglected and abused, and that they would AT LEAST make this mom get some kind of counseling or parenting classes. I was personally outraged beyond BELIEF when the CPS worker told me that the mom wasn't "really" violating any child laws, because it wasn't technically illegal to force a 12 year old to take care of an 18 month old, and if they were eating (which they were, thanks to the co-op kitchen) and not being seriously physically harmed or sexually molested, there was nothing they could do. They couldn't even do anything about the 12 year old not being in school, because in our state all a parent has to do is sign a form certifying that they are homeschooling, and there is no further government oversight, even if there are reports that the child is not being schooled at all.

It is terrifying to imagine how many children are living in these kinds of horrendous conditions with no one willing to do anything - ESPECIALLY when folks actually take notice and do call CPS (which is no easy thing to decide to do). My mother used to work for CPS, though, and when I told her this story, she warned me that nothing would come of it - she said that there were cases where children were living in housing without heat in the middle of winter with diapers frozen to their bottoms, but the supervising workers would not permit the caseworkers to do anything about it. Part of this is the lack of resources - having such a large number of children in trouble and a lack of foster care means that these agencies have to focus on those kids who are suffering the worst physical damage in their situation. I really believe, however, that the larger issue is a general societal disrespect for children's rights and social welfare.

 

Well that was fast. How did it happen?

 

DFS said that it would be to the childs best advantage to be in the care of her father, especially while the mother is with the man she is with...then it's said that they told the mother they could take the baby girl at any given moment because of what the investigation is coming out to so far. So, she gave the baby girl up.
the case is still under investigation for neglect and such, but yeah.
The baby girl seems to be the happy bubbley toddler she was when the father was around this year to take care of her, and in the past to take care of her. She's a complete different person around her mom and the fiancee...i can't believe the change in her personality....from seeing her with JUST her mother and the man, to seeing her with the mother, the man, and the father...... to just the father..it's unreal!

 

I am glad this child is now safe. I am, too, surprised DCF did anything.

Please read MamatheLama's post. She has a good insight to this situation, for you!