one of my first - PLZ CRITIQUE

I NEVER KNEW


u see i never knew how beautiful the stars can be
shinning so bright with pride in pitch black sky
never knew about the breez in hot summer morning

i never knew what to do when heart comes true
when mist clears away an sun sends its ray
never knew about the day that gets through without loving you

now the memory roams of that cold november day
when fog came and washed the stars away
and that endlessness of your wary brown eyes
borught back the joy to my prolonged defning cryes

u see i never knew the pure meaning of true
i was the first to ride and find a dark to hide
never knew about the sound of the angel laugh

i never knew how to wake in that lake
those waters crystal pure the souls one true cure
never knew about the lips of soft tulip kiss

now when im thinking of some stupid rhyme
i remebered the sight that stoped the time
when my mind and heart come one true
to realize that i will forever love you

 

Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed your imagery.

Imho, I would add the following changes:

You see I never knew how beautiful the stars can be,
shining so bright with pride, in a pitch black sky;
never knew about the breeze in hot summer mornings.​

I never knew what to do when heart comes true,
when mist clears away and Sun sends its ray;
never knew about the day that gets through, without loving you.​

Now the memory roams of that cold November day,
when fog came and washed the stars away;
the endlessness of your wary brown eyes,
brought joy to my prolonged deafening cries.​

You see I never knew the pure meaning of True...
I was the first to ride and found dark places to hide,
yet, never knew the sound of Angels' laughter. ​

I never knew how to wake in that lake,
crystal pure waters... the souls one true cure;
never knew about the lips of a soft tulip kiss.​

Now when I'm thinking of some stupid rhyme,
I remember the sight that stopped time,
making my mind and heart become one and true,
realizing that I will forever love you.​

I hope this critique will give you a few ideas to go on...​

 

thx