Dating a Sex Offender

Thank you, I'm glad that you've taken that all very respectfully.

Like I said, there's not a real way to defend the action, but it's not as if he does either. He considers it the worst thing he's ever done (obviously I guess) and he made sure I knew everything well before we were in a relationship so that I had every chance to make up my mind about it.

People like that deserve a second chance from somewhere. He doesn't need to be forgiven by the world - just enough to go on with his life.

 

Oh okay. Thank you for that, actually he gets to start alternative school this year to finish his senior year with a high school diploma. He's very excited about this because he really wants to go to college and he needs every chance he can get. We're hoping a diploma over a GED or something will help him out.

 

Okay, I just found it. I do remember reading it, but it must have slipped my mind (somehow). Doesn't change any of what I said, though.

 

That's good, I was worried you might have felt miss lead or something and I'm really trying to put it all out there.

 

Wait a minute. I just got back to this one. Cigarettes? Really? What are they going to make him do?

And as far as the other things go I can see how you'd say that for sertain, but the fact is he cannot wait to be a parent - he talks to me all the time about the things he can't wait to provide his kids with that his father never made available to him and how there is nothing he'd like better than to be able to die knowing he had been a good dad.

He isn't a pervert. He isn't a sick fu** turned on by children or something. Of course I know there's nothing I could really say to convince you of that or that I myself am reputable enough to be able to determine that, but I know for myself that it's true.

 

Sorry I realize I never addressed your original response. I can see how you would come to all of these conclusions and why you would be so fervent in them to defend the innocent of a young girl.

My own experience was different.
I'd been staying at a friend's house the night before and the next day I was talking to her brother in his room (my friend is 2 years older than me and her brother my age). We'd kissed before but we were never in a relationship. Pretty much we started kissing, then he told off my shirt and bra before I could do anything about it, and when he started trying to take my pants off I tried to stop him.
Then he pretty much told me I would either be having sex with him or giving him a blow job before I left the room.
And I didn't have sex with him....
I didn't want anyone to know, but the next week everyone knew, and the story was just that I'd gone down on him (we were young enough that it was a very big deal). I didn't tell anyone I hadn't had a choice for about 6 months.
I've forgiven him though. I don't know how and I have friends who still hate him and call me an idiot but I guess I go pretty far with second chances.

 

yellow... you seem like an amazingly strong woman who has a beautiful, loving heart. good for you. i personally think the situation in which your boyfriend was set up, makes him a victim, regardless of age. i remember how i was when i was 11, and i certainly knew what was up, and i was completely capable of making decisions to entrap and ensnare people through sex. 11 may not be an adult, but especially these days, 11 is also NOT a complete child. as evidenced by this incident. should your boyfriend have said no, don't give me a blowjob, you're only 11? yeah, i think if he had been smart, he would have. and he obviously feels bad about it now. but i also think that kids (and i include him as a kid in this, because at 17, you are still so much a kid... between 10 and 20 you are in this really wierd awkward in between stage, the way society treats kids these days) like to experiment with people they feel closer to... such as your friends, and your friends' siblings. i can only imagine that at the moment, with a few drinks and a chick coming on to him, he probably felt like what the hell, let's experiment, and she just wants to experiment, i remember wanting to experiment when i was 11. after all, 11 to 17 is only a 6 year age difference. once you hit your 20s, no one bats an eye at 6 years.

not that i'm saying sex offenses are nothing, or that molestation, sex acts with children, and the like are okay. i don't believe that at all. but when it comes to teens and tweens, it gets to be much more difficult to draw concrete lines as to what is and isn't okay. and the law doesn't take these things into consideration much. personally, i think your boy got a bum rap. but it seems he's manned up and jumped through the hoops and is doing great. good for you for being an awesome chick who is willing to see people rather than statistics and rap sheets.

 

Well if u want my opinion...if your around the same age as him...or atleaste over 18 then obviously hes not a sex afender haha he probly had a fling with some underage girl witch tottally was with her concent and her parents flipped....just what it seems to me...but i was 14 and took a 16 year olds virginity... we fuck now...im 16 shes 18 but because its me being the man underage...its not so wrong... it is ur decision... but if u love him u shouldent let things like this stand bettween u and ur happiness....

 

Thank you so much for everything you just said. That is in fact exactly what i was trying to express, but it means a lot more to hear it from an outside source than if I had tried to self proclaim it.

I wish I could reply in full but I am about it run out the door.

Thank you again and I'll address what i can later.

 

nakedtreehugger:

Thank you again for all your understanding.

The part about the nature of "childhood" was a really good point that I was afraid to make because I didn't want anyone to try to say something like; well see, you's sick too. It's just true though. I know I had a baby sitter when I was around that age who was probably 16 or 17 and (don't ask me why my mom got us an older male baby sitter, looking back that was probably really stupid of her) but I remember having a pretty serious crush on him, we became friends and everything and I had a pretty distinct impression he didn't think of me as a "child" no more than I thought of myself that way.

Then not too many years ago while I was 13-14 there was a boy ("boy") who was in his early twenties who never did anything, but we defiantly liked each other, and even while he had a girlfriend I got the impression she was jealous of our friendship.

Those sort of things happen. Nothing ever got physical with those or whatever other times I was around older men, but I know that if it had it wouldn't have been too outrageous of a thought for any of those directly involved.


Thank you as well for recognizing that he is one some level a victim in this situation. He doesn't try to come across that way and he's very thankful for the treatment that he's received (which has totaled about $4000 now that he's nearly graduated from it, in addition to whatever fines and other treatment he's had to pay for completely on his own), but when he explained to me the whole story I could see that he was really blaming himself for a lot more than what I could have blamed him for. I admire how humbly he's taken everything that's happened.

 

I feel sorry for your lover being put into that position and I understand his problem. When I was 11 I had learned all about sex and the ins and outs and had discovered that I could make an adult do what I wanted for me if I told them I'd yell rape if they didn't. It's vicious and cruel but most children at that age are that way and can't understand fully the repercussions of their actions. This kind of thing also really irritates me because it happened to a friend of mine as well a 14 YO boy with a 14 YO woman and she did the same thing because they broke up.... fact of the matter is like nakedtreehugger had said not every child is so innocent as most adults would like to believe. Well yellowlyric I wish you and your lover the best hope you two can enjoy life together.

 

well said.

To the OP'er .... JUST be careful that he is not trying to "groom" you or change your view of what is acceptable.When he was a teenager (yet very close to the adult age of 18) he REALLY should've had enough common sense to not get a blow job from a kid!!!!! I can't see a regular dude letting an 11 year old twist him out from a little teasing or bugging him. Sounds like he got really angry about the teasing and then came the oral sex. This scenario sounds pretty disturbing. Keep that in mind.

 

Thank you for more understanding. No one tries to deny he did something wrong and punishable, but all I'm saying is that it happens and he is being more than adequately punished. Age is such a funny thing because it can mean so much or so little depending on who decides to make the issue.

He does regret what happened, and he doesn't try to defend himself half as much as I do for all those who might think he's tried to justify his actions. He told me what happened and this is all the conclusion I've came to. He and I were talking the other night and he was beginning to get upset about a lot of the pressures he's under recently and he said he deserved it all, I asked him why and he said, "because I sexually assaulted an 11 year old girl," and started crying.

He has been a victim, although he has not made himself one. I have an infinite amount of respect for him.

As far as how we've been doing - great

 

11 years old, still a baby, he has no excuse wot so ever, not even off my head on drugs would i be drawn towards an 11 year old, there is no excuse for wot he did.

 

I think that's a bit harsh. People make mistakes. He just made a very bad one.

 

Something tells me the 11 year old probably had no idea of the consequences of her actions. She probably just thought that he'd get banned from her house or something. So I can't say she's evil, she was probably just a brat who had no idea just how seriously people take sex.

 

exactly! it seems like today kids are growing up really fast, and taking a serious interest in sex (who wouldn't, lol) and looking older and older... and acting that way as well. they also have access to all kinds of information they never used to have... sex is all over tv, the internet, a 5 year old easily knows just as much as i knew about sex when i was 15 and had been having sex for a year, lol! and yet kids and tweens don't have any clue about adult consequences. for one, we don't think to talk to them about it, because we like to pretend that cute little sally who'se only 10 years old doesn't know what a blowjob is, and won't want to know about it for another 10 years.

so here kids are in a really dangerous predicament. they've got half the facts. they know about the stuff that seems like fun and glamour, they've got raging hormones, and they have VERY LITTLE idea of what happens when you do things like cry rape, or actually follow through with the fantasy ideas of giving a blowjob to the cute friend of your older brother. kids see things in black and white, and have a really hard time understanding the grey nature of so many things.

not to mention having no idea why adults take things like sex so damn seriously. not saying that sex isn't a serious thing... but it's not life or death. lol... maybe i shouldn't be living in a country founded by puritans, but yeesh.

 

(Thanks again treehugger and zorba )

The thing is, what I started this thread about wasn't whether or not he'd done something wrong or if there was an excuse. I started it because he is someone who has been close to me for years and now has to suffer the consequences of his actions everyday. Court fines and treatment payments have made it nearly impossible (and it may soon be completely impossible) for him to live on his own; because his brother is a minor, he's talked to him once in the last four years - over the phone for about 30 seconds; when ever he does decided to have kids (because whenever that is he's going to be amazing father) he's going to have the state crawling all over him, probably for the entire time his kids are growing up. He probably wont be allowed to take them to zoos or theme parks or anything like that where someone has decided he might be a danger.

We're taking our relationship pretty seriously, but as most of you know it's not as if we've been together a very long time. Still, I think about the fact that if we were to stay together and maybe have kids or anything, that I would have to face the people telling me what the father of my kids can or cannot do with them that a "normal" father would be able to because of something that happened when he was 17.

It infuriates me and makes me wish we could just move out of the country - but we can do that either, without permission from the damn government.

 

I'm not going to bash anyone, but put yourself in the position of the 11 y/o girls parents. What would you do if you had an 11 y/o child, you said in your own post, "Still, I think about the fact that if we were to stay together and maybe have kids or anything" What if they came to you and told you they just gave a 17 y/o a blow job? Would it make a difference to you if the person was drunk or not?

 

Oh, no no no. But on that same hand this is two years later, I think that even if I were a parent I wouldn't want someone who'd just made a very stupid mistake to have pretty much the next 10-15 years of his life (and as far as family relations go, the rest of his life) ruined. I can't realistically put myself into the position of a parent of course so I'm sure I might not say that if I had a child, but I think that objectively someone shouldn't be punished based upon the protectiveness of parents. The judicial system is supposed to be for correction, not vengeance.