depression, self-loathing and no sex drive

I am 17 and have absolutely no sex drive and no interest at all in sex. I've had it 6 times, once for 5 hours on speed but have never acheived an orgasm or derived anything I'd call pleasure from it. I'll admit I've had terrible judgment unwanted encounters with older men, but the last one went over the top. I stupidly left a gathering with a guy I barely knew and ended up stuck on the road with an emotionally abusive mentally ill psycho for 3 weeks who demanded I give him handjobs and fuck him everyday or he'd threaten to have me arrested, send me back to my parents who he convinced me were trying to institutionalize me (untrue) or just abandon me on the side of the road. He was like 300 pounds, rude, unattractive and a few years off 30. I mean, I just wasn't interested and he couldn't handle that. I can tell you right now 99% of girls would NOT be interested, lol. I slept with him once... but wouldn't do it again. He threatened rape twice, situations where his cock nearly penetrated me. I finally told him I didn't care what my parents were going to do and I wanted to go the fuck home. I did. His goodbye present was truly convincing me that I had herpes, which turned out to be a common bacterial infection.

Since coming home I've experienced crippling depression, anxiety, delusion, suicidal thoughts, self-loathing, general lack of interest and no concern whatsoever for my own well-being. I have a boyfriend now, an attractive 18-year-old dealer from down the street. We have a lot in common and smoke mad green. But I keep making excuses for why I don't want to 'do it', you know. I just have no sex drive. Is this permanent? I don't want to lose my bf.

Another thing is I've really found myself questioning what it means to be human. I don't feel like like I identify with the human experience at all. Everything I see around me seems absurd and unlikely. The concept of life seems so ridiculous. I watch every move, every word, every gesture people make and just observe their general behavior. Everything seems suddenly strange or foreign to me. I feel like I have an abnormal awareness of my own humanity, it's very unwanted and makes me irrationally self-conscious. My lack of any sexual desire separates me from other human beings who are sexual beings. I don't feel like a sexual being. When I have sex it's usually a favor and I can't wait for it to be over.

 

Hey there. I first want to send you hugs and good vibes for all that you have been through. Being taken on the road like that and forced to do sexual things to someone you find unattractive sounds extremely scary and traumatic. Losing your sex drive is just a superficial issues of your root experience, in my opinion. You went through something really unpleasant it seems, and this is causing the anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts. And it makes sense why you feel this way about sex, it doesn't mean you will feel this way forever but you NEED to go talk to someone about what happened, and sort through it all with a professional.

The feelings of "everything seems suddenly strange and foreign to me" sounds a lot like depersonalizaton, which often happens after/ during a traumatic event. Its our bodies way of protecting us from the stimuli that is too stressful by detaching us from it, but this detachment can continue long after you are removed from the damaging situation.

Know that there is help out there for you and that you can feel better again, I can not stress enough that you should seek out a good therapist/ talk to your parents/ anyone that you are comfortable with about what happened. PM me if you want! I hope tomorrow holds a brighter day for you!

 

I don't understand, I am so generous. I share my weed, my money, lines of coke, beer, yesterday I gave my boyfriend half my ecstasy pill and I've given him stuff that was important to me, I smoke people out WHENEVER I have weed whether I know them or not and I'm the first one to throw in money for gas or drinks. Now I'm broke and all by myself and I don't even think my boyfriend wants to hang out with me, I called him and he seemed like he was busy or something and now I am all alone. I wish I had money so I could by myself one more night of company and good times. But I don't. It's Sunday, the pawn shops are closed and I don't know what to do. I really want to kill myself and have been researching popular methods all day. The ones I found most tolerable were gunshot to the head which I really would prefer but have no direct access to a gun. Another less common one was suicide by starvation which would be most appropriate, but far too obvious and I have no intention whatsoever of performing a suicide gesture or being discovered if I eventually go through with it. There is also death by hanging which I contemplated deeply. It's simple and quick but frightening and there's a high chance of being found. The one I probably would prefer second to gunshot to the head would be through heavy doses of barbituates and maybe alcohol so I would just peacefully drift to sleep and never wake up, but that also costs money which I have none of. I dont know,Im going to try to call my boyfriend again before I decide for sure.

 

Your time will come.
Don't be so needy.
Deep breaths.

 

Stalk you are an asshole,why would you say something like that? Go somewhere else and be RUDE!!! Anyways.

Monterrey Im sorry your going threw such an awful time.yeah I agree with Stella.You might want to go talk to a professional.Your profile says your 21 is that correct?You have your whole life ahead of you,you should be out having fun living life to the fullest.Things will get better baby girl..

 

Twas just an observation and suggestion . .

 

It was just mean.Its all good.

 

You see it as mean
I see it as blunt.

 

Yes you are player

 

Monterrey, it seems what you are describing is that you were abducted and held captive for three weeks in which you were raped, threatened, sexually assaulted, and psychologically tortured.

First of all, everything you describe is a perfectly natural reaction to what you have survived.

Second, you are probably going to need to work these things out with a professional. At the very least you are going to need a lot of support around you as you recover from the trauma you have been through. Places you can seek this support range from psychological professionials, to support groups, to friends and family.

Almost every city has some sort of support group for people surviving rape and sexual assault, as well as groups for people suffering from depression. Either or both may help, and both should be able to offer further resources for you to get help both psychologically and to get back on your feet financially.

The sexual aspect can be addressed along with all the other symptoms, and you should explain to your boyfriend the true reason you don't feel comfortable with sex. If he doesn't understand, than he's not a very supportive boyfriend...and probably not helpful to have in your life while you are trying to recover from a traumatic event.

Third, if you know this man's name or any other information, you should consider going to the police.

Fourth if you are finding yourself in a hard place, considering suicide, feeling all alone and you can't get in touch with someone supportive.....you can always call a support hotline. One I have used is 1-800-Life-Net. It's NYC based, but they could direct you to something more local. 1-800-950-NAMI is a national help line.