gave up art to have kids, and longing to take it up again

This is my first post, aside from my introduction. I foolishly gave up art and miss it. I guess I'm trying to get the creative energies flowing again. I used to work in pastel, don't know where the muse will lead me now, but I'm open for inspiration.

 

just sit down and do it

welcome

 

I guess I'm feeling intimidated because some of my friends are rather successful illustrators. I gave up, while they kept going. It seems silly of me to compare myself to others, or to feel so inadequate when I have had other kinds of successes, but there it is. I think it's a human tendency.

 

do it for kicks
I just sit down and flow
and my art is so wacky
I never even know what I'm going to do
I think that's half the fun...

 

That's what I think made me decide not to have kids... its really one or the other, at least for me. It might be selfish but I'd rather consume myself in artistic and intellectual endevors. I can't imagine having to settle down to raise a kid for 20 years. I move too fast, I like adventure.

 

You want adventure? Try catching a happy toddler that's slipped out of the apartment and is lose in the building without her diaper...

 

just let it flow, momma... I cannot wait to see some of your work posted!

 

I'm saying adventure like drifting, going cross country, trying acid, going to parties and clubs and concerts, etc.

 

Psh, that's kid stuff! I did all that when I was younger. Got boring after awhile. Happy adventuring I guess.

 

kids definately are the adventure.

I know so many who lost their art when having kids. Its hard to find the time until they get older, I have noticed.

how artistic are the kiddies?

 

My son is quite talented.

I don't think it's wise to try to live out my creative longings through my kids though. My son's art is his art, not mine.

I felt really discouraged last night. I went out to dinner with some friends of mine. One is a well-known occult author who is working on his first novel. Another one is an illustrator, who has created several popular Tarot decks, several of which are valuable collector's items. I know it's not wise to compare myself to my friends, but I found myself going there anyway. It seems that all my new friends here (I've only been in this area a year) are successful authors or illustrators or academics, and I've never done anything with my life. I've never finished school, I've never published anything, I can't even drive.

 

who said anything about living your creative longings through your kids?

I just asked if they got your talents.....sheesh.

 

I was just saying I don't want to fall into the same trap my dad did.

Sheesh back at you, babe!

Of course it's equally unwise to be living my creative longings through my friends, or using their accomplishments as a measure to "prove" my "failure". It's another human trap. But then, my friends do sort of kick ass.

Marie, you would love my friend Hrana's illustrations, if you're not already familiar with them. Her art really makes me think of you.

Her art also makes me think of the fact that I haven't published anything because I haven't really tried, because I let getting married and having babies distract me from my other loves. I have been living inauthentically, and my artistic life has paid the price.

 

*thumbs up*

now I get it

can you link me to it? I would love to see it!!!!:cheers2:

 

I admitted to my friends last night my past tendency to destroy my artwork out of irrational fear that I would actually reach the point of accomplishing anything with it (and fail. The fear of failure fear of success trip.) Bob commented that that was totally nutty, and he's right. I'd come a long way since those days. Then it was the excuse of having children and responsibilites, and telling myself that it wasn't as important or didn't matter. That too was bullshit. When I'd finally gotten a body of work built up and was preparing to bring it to galleries, my apartment burned down, taking everything with it.

Bob was commenting that my tendency to start projects and not complete them is part of the challenge of highly intuitive types, but I think it goes beyond that.

Phil who was with us was checking the newspaper clippings on the wall to see if any of his writing from his days as a journalist was still up, and Bob mentioned he can't write reviews. (He has written excellent scholarly texts, but reviews are not his thing.) He said he can analyze things, but said he has difficulty expressing an opinion about them. We laughed that I could probably write reviews, I have more than enough opinion for everybody, and have no problem expressing it. It's allowing that expression to be recieved by an audience that trips me up. I have a lot to say, in words or images. It's allowing those expressions to actually exist - not to manifest, but exist, to have a life of their own and be recieved - that is where I have been self-defeating.

All my artwork, all my writing up to this point may have well have been a hallucination. It has manifested, at least in partial form, but without ever reaching completion, and without actually existing. It's all been cloistered away, never really allowed to be.

 

Wow, your writings are gone too. I didn't really think about all the art you lost.

Its hard to imagine how much of ones past goes up in flames. I am so sorry.

Tabula rasa, I suppose?

Oh how you can weave a story!

 

Well you know of my philosophy that art (or writing) doesn't have "viewers" (or "readers") it has participants. It never really exists until someone recieves it and comprehends it, and draws a conclusion.

Otherwise it just sits there, not really existing.

(Kind of like the invisible marmoset that lives in my dreadlocks and steals all my pens.)

Bob jokingly pointed out that since my work had been destroyed for me by the flames, then at least I got something good out of it. Ostensibly this seems cruel, but the truth is, he's right. Here is the blessing: I can start again and do anything I want with it. There is the drama that has gotten in my way before, I'm too old, I don't have a degree, I'm inexperienced, the market's too competitive and I may have talent but not a marketable edge...I don't have to take that with me. (There's probably an alchemical process at work here.)

I'll send you a PM with the link to Hrana's work. Her work has appeared on a lot of book covers with a certain new age/occult publishing house that makes a lot of people wince because they have a reputation for publishing fluff, but it's been suggested that it's a good starting place for both writing and illustration. I've really felt strongly of trying to pull together a folio and sending them a sample package or something. It's just intimidating, because they still don't publish just anything.

 

don't be intimidated.....
create your own reality mama I seen you do it before. Now there is so much more fullness and passion to add to it all.

 

I'm not feeling fullness and passion at the moment. I'm feeling lyme disease. It's bad enough, Friday I'm going to my doc about medicating. Just a short course. I feel strongly against it under most circumstances, but it's been months and I need to get on with my life, so as much as I don't like it, I think it's time.

 

I just mean that when its all said and done and you weather the storm.....you'll have so much to create