It may seem ironic for a life coach/empathic consultant to be suffering from depression. Of course, we're not immune to things like trauma or infections or just bad days. And there's the whole wounded healer trip. I have round trip tickets for that one. I found this excellent article on meditation and depression: http://meditation.org.au/depression_article.asp From the article: The craving for what we think of as love has got to be one of the most universal motivations. And yet there doesn't seem to be any other force on earth that we put up such resistance to, except perhaps for death. We find all kinds of reasons to shut ourselves off from love, and cling instead to anger, fear, and grief. We recklessly pursue sensual gratification, possession and jealousy, codependence, and distraction and we call it "love", like the man who chooses the bride in red in the Lovers card in the earlier (Marsilles-style) Tarot decks. This romance inevitably leads to self-destruction and isolation, as the flow of true love becomes more and more blocked with all the clutter we pile in the white bride's path. (I may be of the opinion that the dude should bless his luck and enjoy a healthy threesome with them both, but that's an entirely different topic for another thread...) Man, how can we do that to ourselves? It's that crazy earth trip again, which can and should be a pretty good time. What's the purpose of letting ourselves feel so bad? What's up with all the bullshit, the expectations and drama and desires and conditions that we choke up the path of love with? How can we be present and remember to take out the trash?
SweetBriar, do you know the reasons for your depression? Is it anything you can change? Being a man, I have a tendency to try to fix things if possible. However I know only too well that there are some things that can't be fixed. This was the main reason that I was in a vile, black mood most of the day yesterday. But I knew why I was in this mood. It was because of the circumstances created for me by my spirit guide and the way she has treated me. In a way, I did fix it. I fixed it by writing an e-mail to her pouring out my anger and frustration. I knew even as I was typing that she would not respond to this kind of negativity, of course, but it was all I could think of to do. Eventually the act of writing soothed me, and opened up my humor channels. I ended up re-writing the note in a much more reasonable light. By the time I sent it I was actually laughing, and the vile blackness was gone. Thank God. So ummm as to your questions - I think it's just part of the journey for some of us. No reason to give ourselves hell about our imperfections. Yesterday I had to go through a process. It's a process I've been through maybe too many times before, but I don't think there's any way around it. Over the years that my spirit guides have been putting me through hell, I've acquired a bit more objectivity and resilience - I can see that I don't NEED to stay in hell, and I can bounce out of hell more easily and readily than I used to. So something is happening to change me through experiencing this process. C'est la vie. I don't see any need to try really hard to be "good." I figure eventually the process will change me enough that maybe I won't need to drop into hell so much - maybe not at all. I like your thoughts about the threesome thing, btw...
zen ... right now i'm considering writing a letter to 'K' to do pretty mutch do the exact same thing. She treated me so badly and projected it all onto me and the anger i feel sometimes surfaces and threatens to mess me up, it seems to be one of those things that doesn't go away, but i think that's because i never said my piece ... because of the abuse she suffered as a child/teenager and the pain it caused her, i simply didn't have the heart to tell her to own it (her negativity). I was way too nice back then and i've suffered for it ever since. I've been at this stage of writing a letter many times, and always ... didn't. I even went for some counselling once to talk about this very issue. It's not about bitching or simply venting anger though, i understand that she was unconcious and in some denial, so i have compassion for that...but simply about saying my piece and retrieving my power. So i can say to myself "That's it, i've said my bit. No more from now on." It's a tough call and i don't really want to, but feel i need to.
There are reasons for the depression, and there are reasons. But I am questioning whether or not analyzing it, naming reasons, and trying to fix it is necessarily either effective or desirable, and whether or not it actually helps me understand what I am experiencing, or simply provides another distraction. I might point to the biological "reason" of disease transmitted through the bite of a deer tick, that affects my nervous system, resulting in lowered energy, musculo-skeletal pain, depression, and sleep problems. I might point to the psychological "reason" that I am still recovering from the trauma of losing my home, business, possessions, art work, writing, beloved cat, false sense of security, and self-confidence in a devastating fire. I might point to the reasons of social injustice, economic uncertainty, environmental destruction, and political impotence that are weighing heavily on us all. I might point to the reasons of childhood wounds, imperfect parenting, and unhappy relationships. I could point to the reasons of poor choices, multiple failed marriages and single parenting allowed to interfere with career and creative pursuits. I could point to the reason of falling into the trap of comparing myself to my friends, many of whom are well-know, successful artists, writers, and academics, whereas I have not managed to get my practice off the ground yet, and all my artwork and writings lost to the flames. But ultimately, I doubt that embracing any of these "reasons" as the cause of my sorrow would not only not allow me to "fix" it, but actually be misleading, distracting me with the illusion of control and false healing. None of the "reasons" have anything to do with clearing the way and opening to love. And none are truly the "cause" of my depression. What is causing my feelings of depression is that I am experiencing feeling depressed.
SweetBriar... You understand so well, and know so much. And the universe is pushing you to the very edge of your ability to cope, as it does to all of us who are on conscious spiritual journeys. But you're a human being, and you're in need. Are you open? You're home now, dear. You're among friends now, who know and love you. You should know some of my story, and LiquidLight's story, and others, to assure you that we know what you've been through, but what you most need is just our love, and you have it. Stay with us for a while and let us hold you in our love for this time, and let it warm you and revive you. You have my utmost respect, cuz I know where you are, and you've shown incredible strength. Now let the universe give you some gratification. You've earned it. Stay with us a while and share love with us, SweetBriar. We love you. You'll be okay.
If you can say what you need to say with kindness and love - that's really the best we can do in a relationship, isn't it? The things that eat at our guts for years until we give expression to them were put there for a reason. From the Gospel of Thomas: "If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you." Sending you love and strength, LL.
Yeah, maybe. all i know is that this situation does indeed eat away at me and periodically surfaces and does my head in. I feel i need do do something about it and if she doesn't like it ... so be it. I'm not gonna be blaming or negative .. so i don't see what's wrong with that. She accused me of so mutch which simply wasn't true and back then i cared what she thought about me - the difference being that now i don't care what she thinks about me ... i'll be saying it for myself ... for my truth. I was reading Eckhart last night ... "Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it is no longer a mistake." ... and thanks for your thoughts, i know you understand my predicament.
Hey SweetBriar, sorry for taking the thread off topic somewhat, but i guess if 'opening to the flow of love' has anything to do with freedom from oppression ... even freeing oneself from oppressive mental constructs and beliefs ... then perhaps it's at least slightly relevant. In any case, i just needed to respond to zens comment. I'm sure you understand though.
some people love to hate they love to feel bad you have to remember that love is the base energy which other energy spawns out of, everything is a creation of love. Everything automatically dissolves back to love. You don't need to do anything except remember and allow unwanted coagulations to settle. you don't need friends to feel love, you don't need a lover, you don't need sex, you don't need anything except to remember it's always there, always has been and the only thing that has changed in relation to it is how much you are aware of it always being there. Just relax and feel it flow from your chest, down your arms and legs, up your head. and then when maintaining that state, ask the question to yourself 'how do I hold this', let intuition automatically word you back an answer
When I get depressed, I KNOW that there is something that needs to be dealt with. I welcome the emotions and feel it fully, knowing that it will pass through me. I don't fight it. I sit quietly and let it come. I try to empty my mind and meditate to see what comes up. Sometimes I am surprised at what comes up. Sometimes it isn't at all what I think it is. Fear is at the root of EVERYTHING. If it is clinical depression you might have to take other measures. You are in my thoughts and prayers. btw Kingston Ontario? I live not to far from Kingston....
Kingston New York. "Where the Hudson Valley meets the Catskills." It's very pretty here. I think when faced with uncomfortable states like depression, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking it needs to be "fixed". We want to make the discomfort go away, get everything back to "normal", and we seem to have this belief that "normal" involves feeling the way we want to all the time. The full range of emotions are "normal". This is part of who we are, the earth trip, as I call it. We resist letting states of consciousness be what they are, and experiening what they're about. We can't run away from them, because they're not even in our heads - the are our heads. Welcoming the emotions and feeling them and knowing they will pass, how wonderful! That's what I'm talking about. I spoke with my doctor. He's a good doctor, no personal attachments to the pharmaceutical industry, so he's conservative with medication. He was hesitant to prescribe antidepressants, but he did prescribe anti-anxiety meds, in the hopes that if we can get the anxious, racing thoughts and feelings of being overwhelmed under control, I'll sleep and function better and be able to handle my mood through natural means. He also ordered more lyme tests.
