Anxiety, numbness, disconnectedness

I don't really know how to feel right now. Despite not everything going my way, I've spent the last few months feeling like a stoic, mindful and content human being, after feeling numb and disconnected for years. Just in the last week however, I've started to lose it again. I shake constantly, I can hardly read, I get nothing out of being in nature, there are no peaceful moments. I just feel like screaming to the universe, 'PLEASE, don't make me go back into that absurd jelly!'

I know this is perhaps too heavy for the forums but anyone who has been in a similar state would know that it becomes your whole life, its terrifying.

So everyone else, how is your state of mind right now?

 

You sound manic, I feel extremely manic.

 

my current state of mind is one of slight frustration from my injury preventing me from doing the things I love, but in the past few days while I've been concerned over whether it would be something of a permanent nature etc, I found great comfort - as I always do these days - in the fact that it could always be a lot worse.

I guess it might sound stupid and cliche, but that's something that works for me most the time.

any form of suffering could become your whole life, and that can certainly be a terrifying experience. sounds to me like you were on to something for a while there though, what's changed since you were at peace?

 

No, I know manic, and its also terrifying. This feels worse, but isn't going to make me do anything insanely dangerous. This is like....I am floating away on a sea of nothingness and I feel powerless to do anything about it. I can't control my feelings.

I'm hoping its a cyclical thing, my health has taken a turn for the worst in the last week. Usually I am just being over the top about things, but its all what ifs in my life. The what ifs are a fucking killer.

You're manic stalk? Feeling incredibly impulsive? I hate that feeling, especially when that little part of you that is still rational wants you to calm down, to no avail.

 

for the past few weeks i've been very manic...so much energy, I speak my mind and it hurts peoples' feelings, and I can never sleep...it's madness

but this is about you...

Do you think it's because of the medication you're on?
When will you be done with your treatment?

 

Like a raft floating in the ocean as the world passes by underneath me.

I always feel out of place and my dreams feel more real than reality.

Its indescribable really, but its like i'm living in a dream of sorts and my mind is a mess of nothing but abstract thoughts that make no sense whatsoever. It prevents me from sleeping anywhere close to proper and it prevents me from being able to function normally.

It has been getting worse over the last few year, but the last year and month have been worse than ever.

 

You summed it up right there. I have had to deal with not being able to do the things I want for years. What has changed? My body is knackered, I can't think straight, I have shocking reflux all day long, sensitive to chemical smells, sensitive to food, emotionally volatile, annoyed at watching everyone around me take their normal lives for granted. Its ridiculous, I was doing so well, feeling perfectly fine, there is no explanation for this at all.

 

I'm confused as fuck because I didn't take them today and took a half dose yesterday. I'm even worse...could be withdrawal symptoms.

I don't know when i'll be finished with the meds, could be 6 months to a year, its just another what if.

Oh, and I have been doing that 'speaking my mind' thing. Its bizarre. I told a girl at a supermarket today that she should stop acting automatic like a computer.

I don't want this to be all about me. I think its important to talk about these things. If this thread is an excuse for anyone to get their mental health problems off their chest than I will have done something good.

 

it is good to talk about it, for sure.
just follow your treatment so you can get it over with...
do all that you can, man. It sounds like it sucks, but it's something you have to work through.

 

if you've had to deal with this affliction for years, how come you were fine for a few weeks? how did you get to that point of well being from that pit of misery? if I misunderstand you (though from previous points I gather you've been ill for a long time) then you just need some rest to recover, but if I understand you right - there must be something you did before, or some event, or something that made you appreciate life again.

I definitely understand the annoyance - whenever I am in a state of pain, I find myself almost regretting not truly appreciating the times I've had when things have been good.

 

kava kava. you're welcome.