help... "we know"

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by autumnspiritplay, Oct 20, 2008.

  1. autumnspiritplay

    autumnspiritplay Member

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    so i've had this song called land locked blues by bright eyes stuck in my head. every time i start to write this poem the tune and rhythm come into my head. so every time i try and read it to see if i like it, thats all i can hear. what do you think? good or bad? anything i should adjust?

    as our future swings over the moon
    we prosper content in our rooms
    its here, high away
    we've tucked many a day
    that we've known, that we know
    that will be.

    and i lie awake in your bed
    you rest on my breast your sweet head.
    your arms wrap around
    and we snuggle on down
    hum i love you,
    you love me to sleep.

    the stars round the moon look our way
    they echo the dreams of our days.
    they play on your face
    as they gleam, we embrace
    in these tangled up, warm huddled seas.

    and as they whisper the things that they know
    lo, of you, and of us to below.
    your hand slow adjusts
    to cup and to touch
    and we slumber on through to the day.
     
  2. opel diamond

    opel diamond burn out

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    wow, i love this. beautiful.
     
  3. *Heather*

    *Heather* Member

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    its a nice way of writting, i love it.

    im not sure what it is, but certain parts of this trigger something inside me that inspires me and brings ideas of a poem to my head. i keep reading it over and over and each time i get a lil spark, like when u have an idea but not quite sure what it is...maybe its just me, but im going to keep reading it over and over as its giving me a poem by teh looks of it.

    thankyou for creating such beauty, id love to see what else you have
     
  4. autumnspiritplay

    autumnspiritplay Member

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    thank you! i still can't help but to hear that song every time i read it, but i think i like it. i'm not entirely sure yet, but thanks! it still seems like something might be off... is there anything i should change or work on?
     

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