So me and my co-worker had a really indepth conversation about our similar family background and now similar relational patterns as young adults. My relationships in the past and current have always been with not only drug users but drug dealers, which one can argue because my dad did a bit of wheeling and dealing in his day. In every relationship I am in, I always always always take the caregiver role to the point of almost dependence from the other person. I have a warped perception of love in the sense that I feel like I am showing love the most when I am taking care of someone who is in withdrawl, or strung out or whatever. I have the idea that my love can somehow “fix” this person and break them free of addiction, but I know this is not true because I have tried and tried and tried with my folks with no success. I know I deserve a relationship that is mutually enhancing, one in which I pour in my everything and the other person does the same but I am simply NOT “attracted” or really even comfortable with that yet. All of this just really jolted my mind and made me realize how much a product of my environment I truly am. My co-worker and I came from very similar homes and we both had a handful of long term relationships that fall into the same patterns: the reasons we were attracted to these people, addiction and mental instability, ended up creating the relationship to explode. He and I are both now sober and realizing that a lot of “friends” are no longer around because they were simple relationships in which two people get fucked up together. We are both academics and grew up too fast. We are serious, at times cynical, and sarcastic superficially but beneath that we are both filled with warmth, compassion and optimism. We both have a very difficult time handling anger, and because of this, we have both adopted a Buddhist philosophy. He and I both want more and our souls and just aching for change, but this beliefs and attractions are so ingrained it is difficult to imagine things changing. It’s hard for me to even imagine being surrounded by people who are not only drug users, but drug abusers because I truly thrive in this environment, but I am really, really sick of being around it all the time and I don’t really know how to break out of it. Can anyone relate of have similar stories of how the way you were raised greatly altered the way your relationships are as an adult? Thanks for reading all that if ya did
I was raised in a way that enabled me huge amounts of freedom. From a young age I could go anywhere and do anything I wanted. Since growing older I've noticed that it's affected my relationships in the sense that I can't tolerate restrictions very well. It's all well and good to want to be free but it's a fault of mine that I find it hard to compromise, structure and commit. Do you think you're attracted to your "dependant" type of relationships because people give you love for what you do for them, rather than just who you are?
Thanks for the response! I am attracted to these relationships definitely for what you said, people giving me love for what you do for them. I've never though of it that way, but growing up my folks parenting style was all over the board and I could never really gauge if I'd get hit, yelled at, or just get a handful of indifference, but doing things for them ALWAYS= love. So instead of just accepting me, it was constantly trying to be better, get better, be the best, win their love. That definitely translates into my relationships. How are you adjusting and adapting the way you face relationships versus the way you would like to have relationships?
You paint a clear picture. I get you. However I hope it's not thought of as a fault if a person makes the effort to help others. So long as thier own ambitions do not suffer because of it. Ayn Rand said: "The integrity of a man's (or woman's) creative work is of greater importance than any charitable endeavour." I take this to mean that the most charitable thing for a person to do is to actually be self centred and egotistical. To look after and also to love themselves...as a foremost priority. Only when a person is able to do this can they choose to help (and love) others. Otherwise they are selling themselves short and cannot truly help others in the way they should. Maybe you have been spending so much time thinking of others that you have neglected yourself? Probably not very well. A long term relationship ended recently because of our iniability to sort out these exact problems. We were actually too similar, each wanting the other to provide attention and allow freedom..while the other could not provide enough. ...So you should probably take no advice from me
