absence makes the heart grow fonder...

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edit: word.

 

I've been apart from my lover for 5 months already, and at times i do feel very disconnected, even when I talk to him on the phone things feel different like I don't know him anymore....we'll be reuniting this week, so it should be interesting to see how and if we bond again.

 

Mary....how come you been apart all that time?
let me know how it goes??
me and my boyfriend have spoke on the phone a bit too, only for about 10 mins or so this week but it was just wierd like we didnt know what to say, its like hes changed in a week, and i have too.


ahh, stalk whyd u edit?

 

Yeah stalk, why'd you edit?!

Opel, we have been apart because he's in the military and has been away doing training, I will definitely let you know how it goes...there are times when I feel like we have nothing left, and nothing to say to each other but, then the next day I find myself excited to talk and share with him....maybe we'll find that we''ve truly grown apart, or maybe we'll find that we're more in love than ever....I know that anticipation of seeing him gives me butterflies and makes my heart leap.

 

ahhh, my boyfriends in the military too, hes in iraq............dont like the lifestyle much, how r u finding it?

i cant wait for him to come home too some days and some days im worried its all gonna fall apart. its a minefeild.

 

I can't say that I have enjoyed the lifestyle either, that being said the time apart has been really good for me in terms of finding myself again....I've rediscovered parts of me I had forgotten about and taken up hobbies that were thrown aside....
Some days are harder than others but I always find a way to make it through and you will too.

 

Not thinking of him could've led to this feeling a little bit.

If you're not thinking about him, he can become emotionally detached in your mind. I mean, this could just be your natural reaction to the separation, but yeah..

I don't know much advice I can give really. I've been away from my girlfriend for about a week on three separate occasions, I didn't get any detachment but a lack of closeness, I guess. However, that lack of closeness, always brought a longing in me.

Again, that could just be the difference in us; this could be your natural reaction to the lack of closeness.

I think, as MaryJBlaze said - there are going to be down times, like this - but there should be other times when you still feel like you are waiting for a part of you to come back.

In either case, specifically not thinking about him doesn't sound like the most perfect method of dealing with it to me. Of course, distracting yourself when you feel most down - but to avoid thinking about him only sounds to me like you are pushing him out.
He will be back, and you can hold him again, let that thought make you happy.

 

thanks duck, that was sound advice, which i will take on board. your probably right, trying not to think about him isnt the best way, i just dont want to be dwelling on the fact hes not here and get miserable about it, but you are right i should allow myself time to think about him and maybe not worry about getting miserable for a bit.

and MaryJ, thanks for your help too. and you are completly right about the hobbies, ive been sketching and practicing my poi again which i hadnt done for a while, so its good in some respects, and i think i am learning about myself everyday, and that i can cope with stuff i didnt think i could alone.

 

Thats rough, my friend was away from Feb. til October, its shit.

 

heh... i think people choose which one they want to be right when its convenient. because we want what we want. period.

 

Maybe the reason you guys don't feel connected on the phone is because he is afraid to let you know he's scared or worried. I mean, he's probably witnessing things over there no one wants to see. There are a lot of people who are separated because of the war right now. Chances are he's missing you, and his friends and family a lot right now, and when he gets back things will get back to normal. It may take time and effort, but it's worth a try if you love him. ;]

 

I don't think thats an accurate assumption at all.....

It's not a choice to feel disconnected, disconnection comes out of being lonely and fearful....It's unbelievably hard to wait for that phone call each and everyday to know that he's ok, and even harder when that phone call doesn't come for a couple days.
Feeling disconnected is a defense mechanism, it helps you get through the rough days, it doesn't mean that I don't love him with all my heart and soul it means that I understand the reality of our situation and I have to be ready to accept the worst outcome at any given moment...but I certainly don't expect it.
Long distance relationships are very difficult especially after being side by side for 6+ years, we do what we can to keep "us" alive and that's all we can do....

 

My boyfriend used to live in Maine. For me, it was always a little weird when he would come back to stay for a week or so. The first day, I was bit stand-offish (well, he was gone for months!), but by the next morning, it was all snuggly like he'd never left. A day or two before he would leav, though, I'd get really weepy. It was pretty sad. Thank God that's over, now...

 

Whoa; I think you just gave me some major insight on my relationship (which, isn't long distance; I just have GAD and maybe some attachment issues surrounding it =/)
Every once in a while, particularly when I don't feel at ease with something; I will feel less connected to her. Then, my head clears a bit, and I realize that that is exactly what I don't want. I never thought of it as a defense mechanism before though. It's sorta like I am trying to live the reality I fear to escape the fear of the reality.

 

I never thought of it as a "defense mechanism" as much as some kind of neuroprotective reaction... Kind of the same, but different, if you know what I mean. Not so much "I can live without you" as "I'm too numb to feel the pain" kind of thing. Sounds emo, but that's what happened to me. It always went away when he came back, but like I said before, it took about a day for it to wear off. Very confusing and unsettling. Not a desirable feeling at all.

 

wow, i forgot i wrote this thread. thanks for the responses guys. we are 6 weeks in now anyway and in a weird way im kinda getting used to it. being alone isnt bothering me, but i do miss him loads, just want him to come home now,although now im worrying that when he comes back we both would have changed and the relationship wont be as good as it was etc. only time will tell i guess....im sure it will work out ok.

 

It sounds like you are dealing with everything in a natural and positive way =)

 

Honestly it sucks, but it makes you appreciate every moment more when your with your lover...

 

DMF, i agree.....i think when he comes home any complacency about the relationship i had would have gone and i really will appreciate every second all the more.

also thanks duck, i hope so.