I often hear people say that relationships shouldn't be work, they should just flow...and if they don't than it's not worth it. I hear others say that relationships take a lot of work and compromise to remain strong... Is love enough for a relationship? if you have love will everything just work itself out, or do you have to work at it?! I love someone dearly, and have been with him for a very long time, we've had plenty of ups and downs and I feel we're at a crossroads....do we put the work in to ensure a healthy future together or do we just say it's over because we're not flowing and haven't been for awhile....is a lack of flow indicative that perhaps this relationship has ran it's course or does it just mean that more effort is required?!
ahhh mary.....sorry to hear that, im stuck at that same cross roads. the easy option for me would be to cut and run and get out as unscathed as possible, but i love him and it aint ever that simple, thats why i keep staying, keep trying as things get worse and worse..........but its gotta get bad before it gets good sometimes right? i believe any relationship requires effort from both partys regardless of how much love is there, love can only get you so far and love can be destructive. ultimatley its down to you. im doing my thinkin over this weekend as to what im going to do, i wish you luck with yours. that was no help what so ever, but there we go. sorry.
MaryJBlaze and Opel Diamond - - You both are in one of life’s most trying situations. As an old fart I’ve been there, done that, and have the scars to prove it. I’ve tried Working. I’ve tried Flowing. I’ve tried Quiting. I’m convinced that there is no correct path …. but maybe it’s just me. No matter what path you choose or create, please proceed with care and caution …. it’s a dangerous and deceptive path! My heart goes out to both of you ladies. To have good luck …. make your own luck! Edit - 8 Nov: I was referring to major work .... of course all relationships require on going minor routine maintenance .... just like your car. Michelle Obama 2016
I think all relationships need work, sometimes they don't need as much work, and they almost seem to carry themselves along, other times you really need to put effort into it. I think when you at the point however where your thinking of breaking up that you need to decide whats best for you, some people don't have the energy in them to put a long term relationship back on track. I had a relationship that was 4 years long, we were having issues with his lack of commitment and my drive for it. Eventually I decided it wasn't worth while for me to put the effort in to tr and fix what we had, because I did this that the true issue would ever be fixed. If you think that your relationship that can be fixed, and go well again, and that you can fix it without killing yourself from the effort then you should. That may have been confusing, it's early.
Of course relationships take work. Why do you think the divorce rate is so high? Because people get swept up in the disney/hollywood ending so they panic whenever actual labor is required. People just want to have nonstop fun, which in a way is sad because it misses half the point. Of course, you can work your ass off in a relationship, but if the other person isn't putting in the effort, it can all be for nought. No pain, no gain--the more work you put into something, the greater the reward at the end. This is true for nearly everything in life, I don't understand why more people don't realize it.
Well said my friend! I think that the above references to work were referring primarily to the major work needed to rebuild a failing relationship. It's very likely that a relationship is failing because the necessary routine daily maintenance was either not done or done inadequately. If one doesn't change the oil and air the tires of one's car, the car will end up on blocks in one's front yard .... along with two old sofas and a doorless refrigerator. Have fun and play safely!
It's too tough for me personally to give you any detailed advice without having any specifics. What I want to say though is that I feel that so many people have relationship problems because they base their relationships on too few things, or on petty things and petty things alone; things that don't actually have any bearing on lasting, meaningful relationships. It's like a seaside house with, say, 4 support beams as opposed to say 8 or 10 or 20 or what have you: eventually the tide's going to come in in a major way (i.e. there will be problems), but is the house prepared to withstand it? And eventually with enough supports, nothing can knock it down. If the relationship came to be in the first place merely because of things like: he's got a decent car and decent looks and income and isn't afraid to rail me when we have sex, or, she's really attractive and pretty easy and our dates have been (typical) fun, then what good are these things going to do when one of these people suddenly discovers, for example, that they can't even live in the same household with this person for any number of about a million different reasons? Now I'm not saying that any of that is you -- I can't because I don't know you and because you've given no specifics. What I am alluding to though is that if the base(is) of the relationship is not strong and broad then it's very likely to topple over at some point down the line, especially as the relationship becomes more and more complex. This, as I said before is what I feel is the cause of so many difficult relationships, and so in that sense, a way to fix the problem would be to backtrack and find it where it lies and work to repair it. Anyway hope this and the metaphor approach helped some.
Most people I talk to seem to equate going with the flow with passivity and just being easy-going. Well I've done river rafting a couple of times now, and it has presented me a valuable lesson on going with the flow: IT TAKES WORK!. Going with the flow does not mean passively sitting back and having an easy time. It means actively riding the flow while constantly and alertly assessing the situation and taking the necessary measures to deal with it. It is the last part in bold italics that involve work. Sometimes that means steering clear of dangerous spots. Other times it means paddling hard and fast with all your effort while trying not to fall overboard. And sometimes it means working really hard to rescue the person who has fallen overboard. At all times, it requires that people work together. My point is: Work and flow are not mutually exclusive. Going with the flow in your relationship does not necessarily mean bailing out when things get rough (although you can do that if you wish). It means working together to do what any given situation calls for. It can mean being proactive and addressing issues when they are still small and easy to deal with. It can mean constant and effective communication, compromise, honesty, fairness and forgiveness.
My husband & I are less than a month from celebrating the day we met... 17 years ago. We have been together for over half my life now, and I feel that "healthy relationships" are neither work nor "going with the flow" - and at the same time, they are both. I developed an understanding of love, based on a historical study of the word. The Greeks had 4 types of love - Philios, Storge, Eros & Agape. The REALLY short version is that: Philios - is "brotherly love" or what you feel towards your friends. Storge - is "instinctual love" or what you feel towards your newborn child. Eros - is the "attractant love" or that which causes you to become attracted to someone. and Agape - is "unconditional love" or (as I believe) the love God has for all people. (a friend once called this the "come hell or high water" love) In my opinion, it takes a bit of EACH of these to truly hold a relationship together. You need to feel comradeship towards your mate - and be able to just be happy "being together." You need to feel that you MUST "take care of them" and have their needs & best interests in mind at all times. You should be physically & emotionally attracted to them. And you MUST have an unconditional love for them... that no matter what & through whatever comes your way, you will still LOVE them. When people ask me if love is enough... I believe that it is. But my definition of love goes a bit deeper than physical attraction & butterflies. Is it work? Sure, everything is work. But love is what makes you realize in the middle of a heated argument that come-what-may, the other person is WORTH whatever arguments, compromises, or yes - even sacrifices come up. Can it be misplaced? Of course. Can it be easier for some than others? Naturally. But if BOTH people in a relationship share all 4 parts of the "Greek love" with each other, I feel that it what helps to form relationships that last. love, mom
