problems with me and love

im 19 years old and wanted to have strong relationship but i failed at doing so. I would be better off only being friends to males so that way i wont ever get attached and need to be loved my them. I hate how i feel towards by best friend, it comlpetely sucks ass. im constantly thinking around him why why why. and i just dont know how to be a friend to him. What do you do when you have so much passed history with someone? My best idea is erase it. Completely. But i just cant do that for some reason. I dont feel like im finished with him. I hate this feeling. I cant be in a relationship with anyone, it just makes me feel worse in the long run. What do i do?

 

Help me out. What do you mean by you don't feel like your finished? Has the friendship ended? What makes you think you can not be in a relationship?How does it make you feel worse?

 

i feel like im not finished with him. i feel like i still have something to learn from him or him learn something from me. We used to date but now we are friends but our friendship is our relationship to each other now. Being in a relationship makes me feel loved but then it always comes to an end. Im tired of putting all my love out there for it to be not what someone is looking for. I dont think i can find someone better than him and its just too hard to let him go. I hate breaking up, its not something that makes me feel good. So if i eliminate love towards another person, i wont feel bad or worse. Ill just be alone

 

Okay, I see what you mean now. Yep, investing yourself emotionally in another person is risky and you are right, the alternative is being alone. I've gone through a pain avoidance stage when it comes to relationships, that eventually evolved into casual, empty relationships and then I found myself back at square one which was wanting something real. Don't we all deserve that? I came to an understanding that relationships and love were never going to get any easier so I had to be stronger somehow, in dealing with the negative things that come with love, ie the pain.

The break ups and heartaches can take you to a dark place if you dwell in them(which is okay for a time) and you can get lost in that darkness if you stay to long. Keep a death grip on your self worth no matter what. Persevere and try again when your ready, but don't be afraid. As shallow as it sounds its a numbers game honey, keep buying your lottery ticket and you will find someone that compliments who you are and you will be sending him out to the garage to drink beer and work on the car so you can watch your shows in peace.

 

love stinks........im in love and sometimes i think this is sooo much hassle its untrue. if i wasnt in love i would be flitting around doing what the hell i like but i cant do that anymore coz im in love. pfffffffft! how over rated it all is. cherish your freedom while you got it, it's hard to let go of someone especially someone you love, i couldnt do it, so you've done the hard part already......just go with the flow if you are meant to be and you are meant to learn something from him like u say, it will naturally happen that way, if not let life flow you on to the next eligible gentleman, but in the mean time use your time wisely and do all the things you want to do!

dont get me wrong though, love is amazing too. it just can fence you in slightly. coz as soon as you fall in love, all your priorities change.....i actually got some, as i didnt have any before and now my plans have changed to.

that was slightly OT but basically what im saying is, dont worry.

 

it makes me feel better when other people have gone through it and thanks for helping me see shit. my mind is so clouded i dont know what is the "right" thing to do. Mothman, opel, thank you for taking the time to read my post and respond

 

you're very welcome. hope everything goes well for you. enjoy yourself.

 

sometimes, feeling like things aren't finished means that you need proper closure in the aspect of the "feelings" side.

 

well he's not the closure type. it justs trys to make everything odd or funny but no seriousness for him. i gotta find the closure myself. thats maybe why it takes me so long to feel ok after something emotional like this. i think im handleing the whole thing better than we broke up the first time though. i was an even huger mess

 

men generally don't want a serious or "deep" relationship. there's a biological / evolutionary explanation for this, but i'm not going to get into it here.

if you want to get over him then just find someone else and become physical with that person. perhaps easier said than done, but that is the most effective way to get over someone from a past relationship. this is the exact point at which both men and women (more so women) will start to put an end to an unsatisfying relationship.

we sometimes hang on to the past because it feels better... you have to give yourself a reason to do otherwise, or bank on luck.

 

i dont think right now in this point of my life i would want to become physical with anyone else. thinking of havign sex or even kissing someone else doesnt feel good to me. i think im just going to have to go cold turkey. i just wont ask him to hang out anymore and if he wants to do something, ill go. its hard meeting other guys while your mind is focused on someone else. id feel like i was lying to who ever i kissed next.

 

i wish i was better handling this kind of stuff

 

How are you holding up veroness?

 

not so good anymore. i just dont think him and i can be friends. we want different things, and i want to be a best friend to him. but i dont really see him that much and i know we are just going to keep seeing each other less and less...somehow ill quit the job i havent i started yet that him and i were going to work together...somehow ill drop out of the massage school i signed up for that he will also be attending. its just not as good as it was. not to mention, i made a new myspace and he didnt even accept my friendship on it. i think he is just trying to let me down easy or whatever. If someone really likes or loves me, they will make an attempt to talk to me or something. I very upset about it and i need to figure out what im going to do with finding a different job and finding a different school to go to or just wait until he is done the program. Im not surprised. all my friends told me this was going to happen.

 

Separating from him to that extent might not be so bad for you in the long term. That sucks to have to make those kind of sacrifices. The myspace deal is just shitty imo. I wouldn't give up all those things and sit idle veroness. If you've been kicking around any other goals or new things to try, now is a good time...well, as long as it feels good and doesn't add too much stress on top of what you're currently dealing with. Can you check with him somehow to see if he is considering quitting the job or dropping the massage class before you pull the trigger on that?

 

Hi Verones!
Yes love does suck on occation and it is also very hard to find. I had a similar experience to you where I was so attached to someone only they didn't even want a relationship more than a friendship with me. It took a lonnnnng time to get over them in that aspect and I can't say I really wanted to look for someone new because I figured no one would come close to comparing to them. I don't want to make you fret for whats to come or anything because everyones situation is different but I chose to stay single for a year and eventually I found that special person that was even better then the guy I was mad about. It just takes time and time is a bitch but I am still really good friends with the guy I liked and I don't even think of the past much anymore because its irrelevant. It's not awkward and its just as fun as it always was. I think your being too hard on yourself and are maybe a little afraid to let new love in because your so attached. I felt I was like that, and I dont want to tell you how you are or anything, its just a possibility. You just need to open up your heart and mind and know that you want to be loved just as much as you let your love out. Your friend will love you but maybe more like a sister. I have another friend who was in your position but towards me and I know he was having a hard time seeing me like that at first, but now its all good between us and we are closer friends than ever.
Sometimes these things just happen so that we can grow closer together because everyone needs that one friend they can depend on that isn't their significant other. In the end its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

I hope I helped! Good luck though, I know it will work out for you

 

he wouldnt quit the job or school at all. he even told his other friend to apply there so thats not an option, the school was his idea so he is def not dropping out of that.

im so not ready to let someone else in my hear for a while.
i just cant believe i let my guard down like below not there level.
i dont know what to do know. i still want to do all those things like the job and school though

 

Have you made a pro con list? That works sometimes for me. I understand you don't really want to be near him because it reminds you of that, which is completely understandable. But I don't think you should let the situation control how you plan your life. You have to stay on your personal plan so that you can be successful, so if he is going to be a distraction or cause you to do poorly in your programme, you need to either define you and his relationship together or find out if your going separate ways. I completely agree that a true friend listens and wants to talk to you. If he can't even accept a online friendship on myspace hes not worth the time and energy to be upset over. I am sure you deserve better then that. It is your life and its up to you what happens in it so do what you think will benefit you the most. You only have one life and need to live it in the most fun and exhillerating way. You will move on but its best to distract yourself with other things that are enjoyable to you for the mean time.

 

That sucks veroness. You've been dealt a tough hand with so many things being tangled in with this separation. Yep, you def don't need to get involved on an emotional level with anyone new. I'd say lean on your friends for now and try to enjoy yourself as best you can and see if you can't set a few short term goals. I'm sure everyone is giving you advice here and there, but just take care of yourself. Hope your weekend is going good.

 

He is my only close friend around here, and he is the kind of person that doesnt e-nich-she-ate friendships on hanging out. When ever he is with friends it is because they asked him to hang out. Its just the kind of person he is. I just wanted him to ask me. I dont give him any time to cuz im always wanting to hang out with him. I recently and still have a termite problem and i asked to sleep over his house to avoid the bugs. he and his mom both were ok with it, and i had a good night/morning with him. Im watching to many love movies and its all going to my head. I do agree though, im going to live my life to the fullest and i think ive benn doing that ever since i stopped listening to my mom and dad, haha. His friendship to me is different then my other frends i have who are at collegw currently.