UPDATE! I have decided to cut off contact. there is too much bad history between us. She carries bad vibes with her and they rub off on me, I don't want to see her or talk to her, so if she calls I wont pick up, if she sends a text I wont text her back, wont respond to her emails, block on msn. If she was a different person i could explain to her why i dont want her in my life. but she is who she is. I hope none of you get any soul destroying emails like the ones she sent me. just letting you know. thanks for the advice blessings xxx ok well here goes... thanks for reading and your advice. i met my best friend 11 years ago. ill call her jane. we have been (more or less) "best friends" ever since we met. she and me were homeschooled, my family are basically happy, hers are not, im just telling you these details just in case there is a psychologist among you . anyway, her mum is very religious, her dad killed himself when jane was 14 soon after they divorced and she has three siblings, two are autistic. thing were fine until she moved house, that changed her abit, then her mum said she could only see me with her autistic sister, ill call her anna. her mum, ill call her kate, never approved of me and my family, she hated us basically. when we were around 11 kate said i could only see jane 2 hours a week. kate was also very strict and made sure jane did alot of school work, more then children who go to school do even. me and jane had a few arguments over msn sometimes, but other then very different views on things we were great, then her dad died, and naturally alot changed, she goes for the denial approach to greiving. we both had boyfriends, she was 15 and i was 14, we both broke up with them around the same time, i liked her guy, but never did anything about it, she kindof knew, around the time me and my guy broke up (ill call him joe) his dad died. jane and joe started hanging out with each other, i knew that there was something between them, so i was not surprised when 2 and a bit months later, jane asked is she could go out with my ex, joe. i was upset, i was understanding, she was sorry, but what could i say? i said she could, i fooled her and myself that it was all ok. he broke her heart like he broke mine around 5 months later. i have always thought that that was a fucked up thing for her to do, i have not forgiven her. we have talked about it, but i think i have said that i have forgiven her because is sorry, but thats bullshit from both of us. then last year, ( i am now 17) i said as a passing comment that i "liked" funerals, i have always been open about death, granted my dad didnt kill himself, but i have had my share of greiving. i said what i said about funerals because i have been to many many funerals and they are a celebration of life, she took it the wrong way, and when i said that if she couldnt take my opinion then she isnt much of a friend. she then sent two of the most personally hurtful emails you have ever seen, i will not repeat them because the words still cut. i sent one back, a calm one, not cuting, saying that i never want to see her again, ect. we didnt see each other again for 2 months, then she texted me, we talked it out, but it still hurts, we did see each other normally for a couple of months, but then i cut it off slowly, i was still hurt, i didnt want to see her, then i was with someone and i didnt want her to meet him, for obvious reasons, then she asked why i hadnt met up with her, i told her i was still her, then we got drunk together and talked about it (the email business), drunk, but that only helped smooth things for a while, then we met up for a party in early sep, she took coke, i dont do any drugs, its not my scene, in fact, out people have never mixed, if i met her now for the first time i would hate her, as i pretty much do now, i havent seen her since that party, we talk though, but i dont want to see her again, or have anything to do with her. the reason i have not cut things off completely is because she is actually very sweet and nice underneath her shit of insensitive crap. i was her best friend ( she now has a new one) for 11 years, thats hard to break off. as you can tell, she has a way with words so it would be very difficult to tell her i dont want anything to do with her, i would shake to much to be honest, she can be scary. we are so different, she has no respect for the real me, never has done, just like her mum, i am a pagan and she ( her mum) basically thinks im evil and thinks i dont do any school work because my family are alot more liberal. if you have read all this, THANK YOU! i dont know what to do, at the moment i am slowly backing away, but i feel like a coward. i was to scream at her, all the hurt she has caused me. i know she has gone through some awful things no one should go through, but i can be her friend just because of that. please help me with this. what would you do in this situation? thanks. blessings xxx xx x
Hey there - I will do my best to offer you insight, I'm not so sure I'm one to give good advice. I've read your post, and will try to reply directly to that rather than telling you about my own experience in terms of examples, but my experience is really all I can write this from. You posed a specific question, simply asking what I would do in your situation. I would ask myself what my friendship meant, what being with her was giving to me and if that was something that was positive. I understand the two of you have a complicated history, and things that have happened between the two of you that are simply unforgivable. I've had one person (my girlfriend of years) do something to me that was simply unforgivable, and right now what I know is best for me is to keep her out of my life so I can get my head on straight - seeing her just brings on even more emotional pain. I feel like I can understand why she did what she did and I don't hate her, but I also understand the only way I'm going to get any better is by keeping my distance and letting myself heal. So in your shoes, I would ask myself if there was something underneath all the conflict and drama that is worth going through it all to hang on to. My best friend and I have also known each other since 11, we're 21 now, and we've never had any sort of conflict between us. It's hands down the most important and meaningful friendship I have right now, and we both know it so we don't really let anything powerful (like a girl) come between us. So what do I value in terms of a best friend? Well, he's just someone who I don't see all that much, but at least a few times a month and we chill and have fun... I mean, we just talk about life and the universe... and work and school, and it's just positive. I value my role in his life as being a loyal friend and always being there for whatever in life that may take place. So I can say that if something bad happened between us I would of course make an effort to make amends. Does that help? It kind of sounds like you want to be her friend, but there's just so much pain there. I guess you have to figure out for yourself whether or not the pain is worth it for something true and real that's underneath. If it's a true, great friendship at heart, of course that is worth fighting through the pain and working things out. However, if it's like my and my ex, where seeing her at all is just horrible pain, and all that's underneath is the ghost of a person I used to love, then keep your distance and do you own thing. Good luck Ben
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, its good to know that i am not alone in this situation. We did have some brilliant times together, but we have never had anything meaningful in common, and now she has changed so so much, and so have i, i think i know my answer, i just wanted other peoples views and adivce. i guess in a way what i am really asking is how to deal with it now. every time i think of confronting her on why i want her out of my life ( putting it harshly) i just know i would fall to either her way with words or i would lose my nerve. i want to phase it out, but when she talks to me and is nice its hard, maybe thats me being weak, i know that, i am not a weak person, but alot of the time my feelings and emotions control me. i really dont want to confront her, she wouldnt understand and it would be messy. yes, in a way i wish we could have a great friendship, but because of who i am and who she is and what has happened in the past it cant be. im sorry to hear about your past girlfriend, stay strong. you seem like a great person, i hoe you fine someone to share your life with if that is what you want. Thank you again blessings xxx xx x
Its a sad fact, but friends do often split apart, we have all been there, some times its just best to say goodbye, and move on, especially when you find you have nothing in common anymore.
things happen. that the asskicker of life. i would still try to be friends with her. but try to hang out with other ppl and not worry about it too much. -campingtomz
