I do not like therapist. Though every time I go I am not entirely honest and have always been forced by relatives or by my now ex. I am not trying to get a reaction and in many ways I love woman, but I say I think because deep down I have a deep resentment, and I want to love them but sometimes seeing women is painful because I am already flinching from the next blow. I hope talking here will make seeing the therapist easier. I came to this possible conclusion after a long first date. We went to a movies to see Blindness and during that movie there is a long awkward rape scene. Of course it shut down any developing sexual tension between us, which is very normal. But, for some reason it was the only thing that made me flat out hard. Even later when their is a very intimate sex scene with a lot more flesh it did not hit me as hard. I thought about it. My mom left my family when I was 4 to the East Coast. I grew up trying to love her and resenting that fact she put her life above my childhood, while my father and brother were always there. During jr high I wanted so badly to kiss this girl (we had been good friends for two years) nothing panned out and the first person I actually kissed was a boy. In high school there was a string of awkward attempts, but I never kissed a girl who went to my high school while I was still in High school. The woman i kissed in high school were: a 43 year old hostess who worked next to my summer job, my cousin, and my second cousin. I had a steady sexual relationship for 2 years with a different guy during high school. In my last relationship (which was kept secret because I guess I was not good enouph for her) I only became aroused when would wrestle and it always had to be rougher sex, or I could not perform (which has happened 3 times, very frustrating) it is a long list and if any one reads this far I already impressed. I have lots of questions but no way to phrase them, so I guess I am just ranting.
I share many of the same resentments. Have you ever had negative experiences with or involving women that might have lead you to your current state of mind about them? A series of bad relationships or childhood truamas can lead a guy to think that way. Anyway, don't feel bad about it. It's just your mind's way of protecting you from bad things. For whatever reason you've probably connected women and some negative expereinces at a sub concious level. It doesn't make you evil, it's just your mind's way of keeping you sane.
Sorry to talk more about my mother, but when she left it did not mean she wouldnt visit. I remember ever Christmas she would come and ever January she would leave. The same feeling, rejection, I wanted to be good enough so she wouldnt leave. I remember 1st grade back then I was only slightly overweight (I would get obese around high school and then over these last two years I lost 70 pounds but still 250) the children, my classmates I guess, would run around and the girls would chase the boys. No one ever chased me Wow this feels too much like self-pity to be considered a conversation
First up, I wouldn't call it self pity. You should see some of my posts in the various forums, mental health especially. I come off like a real whiner sometimes. But its best to open up about what bothers you instead of bottling it up. Most people around here are compassionate and wnat to lend a helping hand to their fellow man. So don't label yourself with words like self pity and don't feel bad about posting whatever you post. Just say whatever is on you mind and let it all come out. you'll prob. feel better after you do. Moving on to the subject at hand, both of the situations you mention can be very traumatizing to a young mind. I can see why it may have developed into anti-female sentiments later in life. The main thing you need to ask yourself is, do these anti-female feelings bother you or is it something you can live with? if its not becoming a major problem for you I'd just shrug it off and forget about it. If its becoming an issue that bothers you everyday, then I'd suggest trying to come to terms with your early traumas and any others that may have contributed to your current feelings and see if that gives you a starting point to begin the healing process. I've been through a lot of these feelings myself, and in many ways I'm still going through them, If I can help in any way let me know. I'll try to help anyway I can.
in my last relationship, she was able to accept everything I have ever done. If i commit worst or old offenses I know it will become harder and harder to find acceptance. I use that so I dont escalate or repeat my prior mistakes. So in a sense I am stable, but it is hard to be forward anymore. I have put a few women in very uncomfortable circumstances and now I am afraid and have a time trusting myself. This would be fine, I deserve this state of isolation, but unfortunately being here makes my pressure builds up. More irrational, irritable, paranoid, and unproductive. It is very hard to even ask someone to dance, make a move, or plainly move on. I forgot that my ex is more open and trusting then most people. I hate the dependency I have built up after only 6 months. It is just that normally I hide about 20% of my past and my feelings. So the friends I have now fit well with in most of life. But, the fifth in hiding is slowly becoming more pronounced. I want to have sex in a sweet way. I have to always be on edge if I soften up I get soft. It is the same emotion as my truancy and anger which are intoxicating but unsettling.
i dont necicarly "HATE" women but in gr 9 i really like this girl and she cheated on me so ever since i cant fall in love and it sucks all i do is play the field and use girls. all my friends call me a dick when i say i just used a girl :toetap05: i kinda feel bad but after a while u just dont give a fkcu
Sorry it took so long to reply I was planning to follow this thread but it seemed to get lost in the fray on the 'view my posts' page. First of all, nobody deserves isolation. Just don't try to intentionally isolate yourself as it only leads to more traumas later on. I've been there trust me its a bad idea. As for your dark 20%, don't worry about it so much. For good or bad its a part of your being and you shouldn't have to hide it. The things that need to come out will gradually come out on their own and you'll be a better man because of it. Your close friends will know you for who you are and won't judge you for aspects of your personality you previously kept hidden. Any true friend will accept you for who you are. There's not much more I can add except that many of the things you've described are things I've experienced myself and gradually had to come to terms with. Today I have whole new set of woman related issues to deal with and the old ones just don't seem as relevant as they once did. I guess everything goes in cyclesand the old has to make way for the new but life is a series of struggles you finish one and move onto the next. I'll follow this thread more closely in the future if you would like to discuss things some more.
A lot of people have that feeling after experiencing that kind of thing a few times but one experience of betrayal is enough to cause it. You're just responding to a trauma so I wouldn't worry about it too much. Sooner or later you will probably run into a girl who won't betray you and it will give you a chance to heal.
I think from what you have said that maybe you need to resolve your feelings for your mom before you try to have a relationship. Since your mom was not really there for you as a child you maybe transferring the feelings of abandonment to women in general. I think it is sad that your mom left you when you were so young. I am sure it wasn't your fault that she did. She probably thought she was doing what was best for you by leaving you with your dad. In some cultures it is considered improper for the mother to take the children from the father and the father is responsible for making sure the children receive the proper care. Why did your mom leave your dad? A relationship is a two way street. If both people do not give 100% to it there will be imbalance. There must have been something missing otherwise she would not have left. Did your dad remarry or develop another relationship after your mom left? Why are your family and ex insisting you go to counseling? There must be a reason.
My mom got married at 16 and my brother was born when she was 17 she had me when she was 19and was 22 when she left. My mom was born in Philippines and raised here. She meet my father, white, poor pre-med bound. She was only 15 and my dad was 18 the summer before college. My grandparents really liked my dad and wouldn't let my mom see other boys and she would let them stay out as long as they wanted. Once my mom got pregnant (my grandparents are very catholic) she was forced to get married. She told me she left because she had to find out who she was and felt suffocated by her husband and her family. (she means my grandparents but writing it here I know what a handful children can be; I have a 3 year half-sister) Both of my parents meet other people over time. My family back in high-school wanted me to go to consoling because I told my brother I had suicidal thoughts. My ex wanted me to go to consoling because I started a fire in a chapel. (long story) In the long run it was probable easier being raised without my mother. We do not get along well when she tried to parent me (she moved back when I was 15ish), and now I always have someone, if I want to, blame as the source of any of my problems.
all i can say is whats in the past is in the past. if you can move on and forget about your bad childhood and start to work on an awesome rest of your life, maybe that will help you. Try to make this part in your life one that you like.
So it seems that you can come up with a rational analysis as to why your mom left. She was young and frustrated and did not know what she wanted from life. So you can choose to blame her if you want but, blame is a good way to not take responsibility for your own experience. You have the power within yourself to put yourself on a path to be happy. Life is full of turns and mystery. It is a great adventure! You said you want to love a woman in a gentle way I totally believe this is possible. Maybe it would start with you loving yourself in a gentle way. Maybe you are loving others the way that you love yourself. If you are then maybe learn to stop calling yourself negative names and forgive yourself for past mistakes....If you can't let yourself off the hook you may never be able to let anyone else off the hook either.
