I hit her...Need help

Hitting period and is totally unacceptable whether female or male . I think before blowing up generally speaking people need to go for walks write in a journal listen to music do whatever it is that they need to without their better half. I'm speaking from experience. I got abused by my ex boyfriend long enough. Eventually, i had my face smashed to the cement that i needed to get Jaw surgery. Not only that he dragged me. Did he recieve anger management ? No! Did he recieve Jail time No! He recieved TLC because he lied to the Cops. Next time you feel the fumes coming outa your ears try doing something with your hands besides hiting playing guitar?? working out? writing song? Release some pressure ? Punching bag? Thats not something you do to a loved one Thats wrong . Call a help line?? Do something other than. 2 wrongs don't make a right. That was brave for you to come out and say you did it but please don't do that again because there won't be a next time next time will be jail i guarantee i would focus on your self for awhile and get some councelling of some sort to sort some things out in your life whether its nger management 1-1 councelling group councelling family councelling etc

 

Anger breeds anger… violence breeds violence. Domestic violence is increasing. This guy came here to an open speech forum seeking advice and opinions. Yes, he got met with immediate hostility… from people who were victims of abusive relationships. That is the result when someone hits someone else… and he needs to see this from the victims viewpoint.

Violent anger is not a disease… it is a lack of coping skills. It comes from within… there is no magic pill that will treat it. Counseling can be effective in teaching a person how to cope with their anger issues and how to best channel anger is less destructive forms. A part of this counseling is being able to see things from the victim’s viewpoint and how it is detrimental to the person on the receiving end of this violence.

I am a guy, and I have been in an abusive relationship... as the victim, so I know 1st hand how it feels. My ex-wife, besides cheating on me, often would get verbally, emotionally, and physically violent with me. And then it got even worse when she drank... and she drank a lot. I have been hit in the eye with a coke bottle while driving the car down the freeway... was everything I could do to keep from losing control and wrecking. I have been ridiculed, had things thrown at me, poured on me, and yes… it would get me very angry in return, yet I was brought up to never hit a woman, so the most physical I got with her was pushing her down on the couch during one of her attacks so I could escape out the door and leave till I knew she would be drunk and passed out. And I heard all the excuses and many empty, short lived promises that she would get help and never do it again. Our marriage lasted one year, and it has been ten years since I last saw her and I hope I never see her again! I would call her a bitch, but to compare her to a female dog would only be giving her a compliment while insulting all the female dogs in the world.

While it is good that you have acknowledge your problem and I hope you do take the advice and seek some professional counseling on this matter and get your issues under control, yet this is going to take a good deal of time and effort on your part. As to your relationship… I think it is best if you did go separate ways. There is no way I would ever tell anyone who has been the victim of abuse to stay in the relationship, nor would I offer advice to the abuser on how to keep the relationship going. The damage has been done!

 

You guys are way off the mark here. First, and especially, the people calling this guy disgusting, telling him to castrate himself, etc; that's just pathetic. He's obviously very regretful of his actions. I know you all love to be holier-than-thou, but judging someone who made a mistake and regrets it is very. very base.

And to the people who are saying he has a disease, this may or may not be true; it depends what happened. There are times when anger rises to a level at which it will cause a person to lash out. If this happens all the time, it is a disease. However, if this was a special circumstance, in which he was under a lot of stress, it is not necessarily so. That doesn't make it right, but it makes it understandable and forgivable.

 

^^Yes anger often rises... to very high levels to the point that some do lash out. Yet getting physical and hitting another person in anger is never an excuse that can be rationalized. It is completely UNACEPTABLE!! There is nothing that can make it ok!! It is purely a matter of self control and it is up to each individual to keep themselves under control no matter what.

And for the people you say are pathetic for expressing there disgusts at this behavior; they are not trying to be holier than thou… they themselves have been the victims of this very type of abuse. And once you have suffered, been the victim of abuse, it stays fresh in your mind for the rest of your life. You are always on guard and never let your guard down. Victims of abuse suffer long after the abuse has ended! It is time that people realize this, see the true results of abuse and the aftermath that festers within the victims of abuse and quit babying and making excuses for the abuser’s lack of self control that the majority of the world seems to have… even when faced with so called identical stresses! Most people do exercise self contol.

Besides, he did state in his opening post that he especially wanted to hear from those who have been on the receiving end of an abusuve relationship. Hearing our bitterness and how it affects victims will do him more good that all of the excuse making and babying he gets from those who truly do not understand 1st hand about anger problems. He is only getting exactly what he requested!

I am sure he is regretful of his actions and he should be. And it is good he admits his problem... that is the 1st step in order to get his issues under control. Yet it will take a long time. However, I will never condone this behavior or feel sorry for the one who abuses another, nor try to lessen their actions by making excuses for them. My heart goes out to his victim and I hope she is able to go on with her life.

 

I want to add that as for as an abuser goes, as any victim will tell you, the majority do feel regret and show remorse for their actions, especially the first time. It is followed by many apologies and promises to seek help and that they will never EVER do it again. If the victim forgives them they enter into what is known as the “honeymoon” phase. This is a period of showing open affection, often accompanied by lavish gifts to try to show remorse and make up for their misdeed. However, soon the honeymoon begins to fade. Day in and day out the pressures and stresses of life build up. Often they are able to control themselves for a while, but eventually they blow up, lash out again, and act in their uncontrolled abusive behavior. Again they feel remorse, make apologies and promises. This is known as the “Circle of Violence”. As time goes by this circle becomes smaller and smaller till the abuse happens on a frequent schedule. The circle has to be broken, by separation, counseling, incarceration, or worse death, usually the victim’s. Separation of the abuser and victim along with heavy counseling is the preferred method of breaking the circle. However, unfortunately, counseling is almost never done until it is ordered by a court of law.

It is very seldom that once violence occurs in a relationship that it is able to continue without severe harm and repeated behaviors.

Making excuses for and babying the abuser only serves to enable them more. What they do is horrible and it should be treated as such. Abuse is completely unacceptable in any situation! If you want to show compassion for someone… show it to the victim!

Ok, I'm done!

 

he does not come across as a typical women beater, which is some one who does not give a shit or feel bad about wot they have done, this guy feels bad about wot he has done, as he should do, but i am not going to condem him for one mistake, like alot of you have, there is too many harsh comments made to this guy, and for wot , one mistake, we all make mistakes

 

What people that haven't been in a abusive relationship don't know if that almost all abusers start as the "i'm so sorry' abusers. My ex broke my ribs for the first time he bought me a diamond ring and cried. It never stopped though, and it's just the beginning.

Woman abusers don't get better, they always have the urge. It's what he diserves, maybe if he gets enough backlash now it will encourage him to get a fucking grip.


Guys need to understand, if you hit a woman you can ruin their life. I still don't trust that men wont hit me, I still get flinchy if they move too quickly. I've been to counsiling, and I'm still not trusting.

 

yes but women beaters will not confess and tell people wot they have done, this guy must of known he would be slagged off by people on this site before posting, this tells me he is ashamed of wot he has done,and hopefully wont do it again, he does not come across as a repeat beater,

to sarahrei i feel were you are coming from, with wot you went through, and i feel for you, with wot you went through, i no you find it hard to trust all men, but we are not all the same.

 

Oh I know that there are good ones out there trust me. But this guy is the carbon copy of my ex, he told people that he hit me too, and asked what he could do to get me back. I've seen this all before.

 

I think the distinction that needs to be made is that between an abuser, and someone who lost control once. If it is ongoing, then he has serious issues; but if it happened once, that is no reason to assume it will happen again. Some abusers may act this way, but that doesn't mean that everyone who acts this way is an abuser. It's a classic logical fallacy.

 

like i said sarahie, i do feel were u are coming from, because of the cowedly beating you recived from ur ex, to break some ones ribs,takes more than just a hit, it takes a powerful punch, the kind of beating you recieced is, unforgivable.if you have not already, i hope u one day find some one u can trust, who loves u as much as u love them.

 

Actually I'm getting married to one of the good ones Thanks for your kind words <3

 

The very first time you lose control and hit another in anger... then you have crossed the line. One hit is all it takes to abuse another. Therefore you are an abuser. If the cops were called you would go to jail... you would have a criminal record for being an abuser just for going to jail, not to mention if found guilty in court. Even if it is not reported... if you hit someone, you abused them... you ARE AN ABUSER. IF you do it once, you already have a severe anger issue problem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is never a reason or any special circumstance which justifies hitting another person in anger! Making excuses for... but he seems regretful, it was his first time, he didn't mean it, he doesn't seem to be your typical abuser of women... those are all just excuses to try to lighten the severity of this crime. And it is a crime! Whether it is one punch or a severe beating... it is a criminal act of violence!

Unfortunately... for most out there, the so called "typical woman beater" that is often referred is the one heard about in the news. They are the one’s who has made so many trips around the circle of violence that they do not feel remorse. They have gotten away with it so many times with the help of excuses that they finally end up being charged with a severe crime and making it into the news headlines. Unfortunately, this often occurs after a severe beating and/or death of the victim.

One thing all abusers have in common is that they did it once... the 1st time!

note to "sarahrei": I have read many of your post... like them. I am glad you found the right one... I wish you both happiness and success!

 

Original Post by Fade00 - I hit her...Need help
I've known her for most of my life. I knew I had anger problems but I never imagined I would/could do this. I need to make it up to her, but she won't even speak to me. Yes I know I'm a monster, enough people have told me. I don't know what I'd do without her. Please, If anyone has been in this stituation, or better, on the receiving end, please help.

From this short statement many seem to believe that this guy is regretful and does not appear that he would do it again. Let’s break it down and I’ll show you what I see.

I hit her...Need help – He lacks self control, but what kind of help is he seeking?

I've known her for most of my life. She is a very important person in his life. Possible obsession.

I knew I had anger problems but I never imagined I would/could do this. Admission that he has had difficulty with controlling his anger, having anger problems, but no apparent indication he has sought help with it. Does indicate it was the 1st time, at least with this person. If you have anger problems the best time to get it under control is before a violent outburst.

I need to make it up to her, but she won't even speak to me. No definite indication of remorse on his part, however definite signs of the damage inflicted on his victim. Clear indication that he needs her in his life; obsession overtures.

Yes I know I'm a monster, enough people have told me. Just a statement that he has talked about it with others and they have shown their disapproval, yet no clear indication of true remorse.

I don't know what I'd do without her. HUGE RED FLAG!!! Definitely shows an obsession with his victim. Without help (professional) on dealing with his issues if left unchecked it could possibly lead to many obsession based actions… stalking, further violent actions to her or himself?

Please, If anyone has been in this stituation, or better, on the receiving end, please help. In conjuction with the previous statements it indicates that he is seeking help and advice on getting his victim back and continuing his relationship. It does not indicate that he seeking help with his anger problem just on keeping his obsession close at hand.

While it is true we do not know this person, and since it was a short statement, when dealing with violent outburst it is best to assume the worse and be proven wrong in the future than to excuse it and find out that it leads to more serious actions.

My best suggestion is for him to leave her alone and seek help with his anger issues. Statistics shows that unless one learns coping skills there is a high probability of repeated violent behavior.

 

Pop. psychology at its finest. How are you qualified to interpret these statements? A better question would be 'why do you feel the need to interpret these statements?', as well as 'how objective do you feel that your analysis is?' You should also keep in mind the barrier between what one says and what one means. For someone who is not good at expressing their feelings, nor expecting their expression of them to be analyzed, their description may fail to properly explain the detail of their feelings. Especially when one is distraught, their description is apt to be imprecise and poorly organized; certain thoughts will be overemphasized, while others will be underdeveloped and poorly formed, all based solely on the person's feelings during the time of writing. This is why it is important to interview the subject and attempt to ascertain in detail their true feelings. Since you're so knowledgeable, I would have thought you would know that.

 

Uhm...everyone's going to hate me for this but this wasn't really my first time..and i've had alot of anger management things...none of them really worked

 

THEN GET SOME MORE TELL IT DOES

 

FADE00 – I appreciate your honesty in admitting that this is not your first time and the fact that you have received, although at this point, ineffective counseling.

Please realize that it may take a looong time and a lot of effort to get your anger issue under control and that it is in your best interest as well as those you deal with if you do not get involved in any serious relationship until you do get your anger under control. This has to be your main priority right now and you must keep trying until you find the right techniques that work for you.

One key to a successful outcome is how well you relate to your counselor. You should feel reasonably comfortable discussing your issues openly with them. If a suggested technique does not work for you or if you feel uptight or very uncomfortable with a particular counselor then you need to let them know. They may be able to suggest another counselor or you may even have to shop around a bit till you find someone that you do feel more at ease with. Once you find someone that you can freely open up to, then your chances of success improves.

Hopefully, you live in an area where there are several different sources available. If you are having financial difficulties one possible place is a nearby University that offers a Master Degrees in Psychology with an LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor) program. Most of them offer counseling services based on your ability to pay and they usually have several different counselors that you can try till you find someone you are comfortable with.

Also, please realize that ultimately you are solely responsible for getting your anger under control and keeping it under control. If you are in a situation and you feel your anger rising within you, please just walk away and try to get somewhere where you feel more at ease. There is nothing dishonorable or cowardly about walking away from a potentially harmful situation. Your own health, welfare, and freedom may depend on it as well as those around you.

 

In the context of full disclosure, I do not currently have a degree in and I am Not a professional counselor and any post I make in this forum should not be deemed as or taken as professional advice.

All posts are my own opinions based on my own personal experiences and viewpoints that I have formed from my 50 years of living on this planet. I am a full time college student and I have always had an interest in psychology and human nature. My personal experience in this particular matter is based more on having been a victim of an abusive relationship and my own therapy I received along with several years of research and study in order to more fully understand this matter and to come to terms with my own psychological damage that resulted from this abusive relationship. Ten years later, I still find it very hard to trust others fully.

 

I TOLD YOU! I knew that it wasn't the first or would be the last! I TOLD YOU! And everyone thought that I was some untrusting bitch. I see threw these pricks like glass.


To the OP: DIE, I hope you go to jail and have some guy twice the size of you make you feel as bad as you made that girl feel. I hope you ROT in a cell somewhere and are never let out. Castraition is a GOOD idea for you. If you can't be a real man you shouldn't have the parts of one. Fucking limp dick pussy.