Funniest break up email ever!

I got this email today... and the funniest thing is that it really happened to John's co-workers friend from University of Kentucky

Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under 'L' for 'Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about'. You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is 'a stupid thing'; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is 'a stupid thing'; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much raisin bran that morning isn't as much a 'Stupid thing' as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying 'Well, I didn't Fuck him' somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world 'looked funny' to you yesterday. Since your World revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blonde who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.

Talk to you never,

Brad

 

Can you give me the name of the bar this girl hangs out at? kthx

 

Hahaha! I will have to ask

I thought this email was total shit at first but apparently its true which makes it even funnier to me.

 

it wasnt really THAT funny. definitely not funniest "ever"

 

lame

 

You've read a funnier break up email?

Well, I must not read enough funny break up emails.

 

i dont think breaking up is really funny. maybe if it was pure fiction.

either way, i just didnt think this was funny, whether it was fiction or reality

 

i've read at least one other funny breakup email, and it was funnier than this one, which still doesnt make it funniest "ever" i'm sure

 

Especially this line:


who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.

 

I think breaking up isn't funny. But breaking up in an email is funny, regardless of what is being said.

It speaks of how lame someone is that they can't get the balls up and speak on the phone.

Nesta you are the most combative person to me on the fora. Every thread or post I make... you reply "lame" or "pffft"... what gives man?

 

Bleh, the girl sounds like she is mentally ill, lost all her dignity when she blew that dude, and never needed her face rubbed in any more shit than it already had been...not funny

 

I don't think it seems real at all

 

It most likely isn't regardless of how the people claimed to know each other.

 

I particularly like "Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans" haha.

Man, that's such an accurate description of so many girls I know. I just need to change the breed of dog, the brand of bags and the type of candy hahaha, the blow dryers always stay

 

first of all i dont think thats true.

secondly, i have no reason to care what you personally think, say, or do, but if theres something on here i dont like, i'll express as much regardless of who says it.

if i dont think the same things are funny as you do, or dont like something you say, then what "gives" is that we are different people. this is in no way indicative of your worth or of my opinion of you, so dont read anything into it.

i do think you're exaggerating things a bit in this case though.

 

Haha yeah!

 

She's dating some guy, goes with him to a bar, and blows 2 different guys within 2 hours of being there without his knowledge . . . wow. I don't even know where to begin approaching this situation with the intention of understanding it. Sometimes I feel some people are almost a different species lol . . .

 

I get the feeling I could be wrong about this, but Nesta is even more argumentative and opinionated than I am, and knows a lot more so it is sort of "self-justified"....either way, he has a lot of opinions and I wouldn't take him personally, he is a good lad, as you are a good lass hiro.

 

Good to know.

 

yeah, that was not actually funny at all, as far as "humor" is concerned.

but i'm kind of a sadistic bastard, so i always can see the humor in a painful breakup.