dumb +kinda depressing sex story.

yeah, iono, i felt like writting this after listening to some weird song. tell me what you think please.
By the way, is it weird that I'm 15, a virgin and always writting sex stories?



Dean held Alex in his arms as they were wrapped up in the giant red fleece blanket she had bought him when they were out buying things for the house. They were curled up with one another and watching the snow fall outside the window. Underneath the blanket, she was wearing a black night gown and he was wearing only some black pajama pants.

The stereo was playing some quite song and she was holding one of his hands and following the creases in his skin all around his hand. He kissed her on the head and she hummed softly.

They had been together for 2 and a half years and were engaged. It had taken them forever to get to this point, mainly because Alex had many ,many commitment issues and that she had only now began to fully trust Dean. They had been engaged for 6 months.

As they watched the snow fall, he gingerly began to rub her neck. She smiled and gave a kind of "Please continue" hum. He did continue and she stopped him after about 10 minutes. She turned around and gave him a most delightful kiss.

He smiled and picked her up out of the day bed and walk her and himself over to the real bed, laying her down softly and slowly. He swiftly and softly moved over her and kissed her. She began to giggle and she turned of the lamp next to her that had illuminated the whole room, of course now leaving it black.

He found her hand in the dark and he sat next to her as she laid down, for just a few moments, holding her hand and feeling it. She could tell he was lost within his mind at the moment and she started to move his hand within her’s, to her heart. She placed it on top of her heart and he could feel the beat of it against his hand. It kind of shocked him out of whatever trance he was in at the moment.

She awkwardly laughed and he pulled his hand away. He got on top of her and began to kiss her neck. Again ,she began to hum, and he moved his way up to her lips. He kissed them, those beautiful ,velvet lips.
They started to make out and her hands moved to his pants and she slowly pulled them off. He moved his hands a little lower that her hips and he lifted her gown just up to her navel. He moved his hands back down and pulled off her panties. She slowly pulled off his boxers.

For a moment, just a fracture of a moment, he could see her perfectly. Her curly brown hair surrounding her face. Her bright blue eyes starring up at him. He smiled and moved down to kiss her. He moved to her navel and kissed all the way up tp her collar bone, where he gently bit down on her skin, just enough to leave a tiny little bruise.

She moved her hands to his neck and pulled him into a kiss. He slipped into her and slowly brought in a thrust. He was able to see her now because his eyes had adjusted to the lighting. He had some of her hair in her eyes and he gingerly brushed it out of the way. She smiled an awkward smile and kissed him. She began to kiss his neck and then softly bite it.

He began to thrust a little harder and she moaned a little. She lightly grassed his back with her nails and it sent chills up his spine. He had his head down and he was buried in her neck and hair. She moved him to her face and felt his lines. She felt the lines of his eyes and lips and nose and brought him into another kiss. He thrusted again and she was grasping onto his arms with her hands. She pulled him in very close and held her arms around him, over the shoulders and she thrusted again. He went in for another kiss when it hit him. He stopped dead in his tracks. He was about a centimeter away from kissing her and he backed away.

"I don’t love you anymore." he said softly in astonishment.
"What?" she whispered in non belief.
"I can’t do this." he said slipping out and turning on the light.
"What is going on with you?" she asked worried ,trying to grab his hand as he got out of the bed.
"I don’t think I love you anymore."
He could feel her heart breaking. He was being a total idiot and jerk, but he honestly didn’t love her anymore.
"What did you say?" she asked trying to fight back tears.
"I’m so incredibly sorry, baby, I am, but I don’t love you anymore." he said putting on his boxers and pajama pants.
She was crying now. Not the huge, crocodile tears kinda crying, but the silent, tears falling as she sat up in bed shaking with a broken heart.
"I shouldn’t have trusted you." she whispered through tears.
"Don’t say that." he said moving in toward her, holding her hand.
"No." she whispered yanking her hand back and holding it. "Just leave. Please?"
"Okay." he whispered to her, tears now forming in his eyes.
He threw on a shirt and a jacket and grabbed his bag. She was still sitting up in the bed, starring out into the nothingness. He grabbed the front door’s handle and then stopped before opening it.
"I didn’t mean to hurt you. I still care about you, but I don’t think you really want to be hearing about any of this."
"Just please leave." she asked.
"Just promise me you will call a friend or something to come over tonight with you." he begged.
"Leave."

He did as she wished and walked out of her apartment. Hot tears were streaming down his face. He picked his cell phone out of his pocket and texted to her best friend for her to go to Alex’s apartment right away and to not ask why. He left her building to go home to an empty bed. He fell asleep wondering if he had he done the right thing...

 

Your narrative voice switches toward the end. And you use the word 'softly' 5 times and the word 'slowly' 4 times... try to avoid repeating yourself.

"He was being a total idiot and jerk" This is where I'm mentioning your narrative voices becomes muddled. Never use the words "'a total' or 'kinda'" I try to avoid 'very' too.

But don't assume I'm being overly critical. Honestly it's very good for a young writer. You obviously have a penchant for erotic literature. You might have even found your calling. Sleazy romance novels. :biggrin:

 

Very nice, actually. I agree with Spence's comments, and overall, I think you did a really great job. I'd love to hear more from ya sometime, I think you should keep writing. You have some talent there.

 

lol, yay sleazy romantics!
I'm attempting to write one book thing that has a witch fall in love with a guy, her best friend is a sluttly vampire, another friend is a human who screwed a werewolf, got knocked up and had a werewolf baby. And of course to wrap it all up, they work for the government and kill people.

 

Ditto...what gives Cate??

 

Oh...I get it...because he left her.

 

sad story! duhh

 

I don't think it's a great piece of writing but it shows promise and if you keep working on it I can see you filling out as an artist rather nicely in the next few years.

 

Or stripper.

 

that's a better idea financially.

 

Yeah, I have a friend who's stripping now.

She's not that pretty of a girl though, and it's one hell of a skanky strip club...

But she makes the big bucks there.

I guess old rednecks are all about fat 19 year olds.

 

You need more confidant titles...

 

I second that.

EDIT: and yeah, I wouldn't say it's weird to think about sex.

 

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

 

Yeah, i've always figured I would just write on the side of whatever it is that im doing.
I usually write sex stories to annoy my guy friends though cause then they think i'll be kindy as hell in the sack but they know i wont fuck them and then just just stay frustrated, lol

 

Prude.

 

Eh.
Your word, not mine.

 

holy shit i would so read that it sounds pretty funny but yeah good job :cheers2: