Hey all, I suppose it is appropriate to begin a 1st post with an introduction. I am a 30-or-so yuppie male (not really a dentist, in case you don't watch "The Office") living in a large city in the southern US. To cut a long story short, I realized about 10 years or so ago (as a college sophomore) that I was attracted to men. This came as a huge shock to me - I'd always assumed that I was heterosexual, I'd had crushes on girls, I'd messed around with girls (though nothing that serious by that point). Anyway, I've struggled with this on and on for a while now. I've never had a physical experience with another man. It's especially confusing because I've been turned by women, I fantasize about them frequently, I am attracted to them at least to some degree... but it's also clear to me that I am attracted to men, maybe more so. Unfortunately, I am also full of doubts about my hetero side... hard to explain, I don't know if anybody else on the bi spectrum has felt this, but I end up always comparing my hetero and homosexual urges (which is ridiculous, obviously) and my relationships with women tend to self-destruct in self-doubt. Am I really attracted to women? Am I turned on enough? etc etc etc. In my relationships with women, it ends up building to a really nasty stew of ever-intensifying anxiety and eventually depression. After talking to a shrink I guess I've come to a conclusion that this is a dead end. Not necessarily relationships with women, just trying to ignore what may be another half of my sexuality. I don't even know the strength of that half, since it is so mixed up with stuff like fear and anxiety. Unfortunately, I don't have the guts to go through with actually figuring that out. I did take something of a step a few months ago when I went to a gay bar with a female ex-girlfriend who is aware of my predicament. Just to actually walk in the door, etc. So I did that. But not much else since, so this is the next step. It just feels like I am never going to have the guts to take the step that it's going to take to solve this conundrum, which is particularly ridiculous because (A) it's an easy conundrum to solve, all I need to do is experiment and figure things out (B) I am not someone who finds homosexuality to be offensive on a political or religious basis and (C) I have parents that would be extremely supportive if I did come out as gay or bi (though currently my brother is the only family member who knows I am dealing with this). I'm just scared of what I might find on the other side. Maybe it will turn out that I will stop being interested in women... (Maybe I won't.) Yeah, I know I'll be happy either way but right now that seems pretty scary. I operate under the presumption that I'll still be interested in women, but it's impossible to know. On the other hand, I'm not getting younger... it also scares me to think that I'll wake up at age xx and think "sh!t, why did I waste my youth?" Anyway, it's really frickin' late out here and I have work early in the morning. However, I hope to hear from you guys and gals on your experiences and any advice you may have.
Do not take yourself too seriously. Lighten up a bit. You are attracted to other men. Cool, hit a bar, meet up with other dudes online and thread the waters carefully. Having sex with another man will not make you gay. You ought to learn about what gets you going and this is your journey of exploration. Leave your supporting female friend behind, show some guts and have some fun. If you like it, you'll go for more. If you don't, you'll have that part sorted out and will open new avenues of exploration. No matter what, the sun will rise in the morning and you will have to pay your taxes anyway. Trust me, the world as we know it, won't come to ist end afterwards. Like you say, you are 30? What the hell are you waiting for? (Pardon my being blunt here.) KD
I'm happily gay(although I have plans to change that,not out of shame,but out of who I am on the inside)Feel free to explore yourself.You'll never know what you'll find...
