my story honest opnions

hey up mate this is my story, thought i would email you it all:

right roughly around 18-19, this women came to work at our place, we hit it off staright away u know like got on well at work, never really thought ov her like that, quite attractive. anyhow i think she kinda took a shine to me because i was sort ov trying to get with this girl i liked, and i said to her if you were my age would u go out with me she replied yes i would, that took me by suprise and i was like thats nice to hear. after that she sort ov said to me why dont we sort ov hit it off, i was shitting myself cause i ws like 18 and she was like 34 at the time, anyhow we had to keep it a secret at work because no one new about us, we were at it like animals everytime we got, sometimes we would do it at work upstairs, would go round to her house all the time.

after that i asked her a random question one day which ex would she compare me to, at this point she had told everyone her ex husband had left her for another man, but it was false but i didnt know that at the time, so i was like what happens if i turn bisexual, i never said that to her but i started thinking like that. after a few days of this it became more thinkable, like thinkign about it alot more, taking over lot ov my time, and i was quite disturbed by these thoughts. i eventually told her about what i had being thinking and she laughed and said i wasnt gay, but i needed to ask her questions form the day forward all the time, are u sure i am not gay, what if i just never realised it, what if this what if that, consatntly texting her about it. Then she eventually told me it wasnt true about her ex about him leaving her for another man, but left her for another women and that she didnt want to suffer embarrassment at work from it (stupid i know) she isnt a very confident women, she has ahad a bad past.

there is so much to tell it hard to no where to start haha. so yeah these thoughts stopped me going out, my mates were asking me where i was all the time, i use to try and go out and i would start sweating thinking that people are looking at me, alwasy checking with the way i walked to see if it was gay, trying to see if i was standing gay. but i would find myself looking at the women walking in with skirt on tits hanging out u know what i mean and like wow, but then would find myself looking at men, there bums crotches and when this first started to happen i would be like going crazy and sometimes i would have to do it like 4 times dont ask me why cause i dont know. i sometimes use to get home and be like pulling my hair out near enough, and crying my heart out, not wanting to wake up in the morning. and then instantly i would wake up and bam here we go again, everyday 24/7 battering ov the brain. then the thoughts started to get more graphic, and then i actually started to sit down and imagine myself with a man, and i would be like no get out ov my head, thats when i use to text my ex going i am in denial i know i am, i just know i am. then she would assure me that i wasnt gay or bisexual. then i had an accident at a party at her house where i broke my ankle, and had to have quite a serious operation where i had to have two pins put in it, off work for 8 weeks, it was hell.

my ex before said u are obsessed by this u cant stop thinking about it everyday, you are texting my all the time asking me questions. so while i was off with the 8 weeks i came onto the computer and started to find help or at least something to help me find answers to what was going on. i was looking at everything homosexual tendancies, coming out stories, then i came across this hocd site, now when i went on i started to text mark on there who was one ov the moderators, and he helped and said classic hocd symptons, it felt such of a relief to hear those words, and then from then onwards i depended on that site, i was on most ov the days while i was off, but it made me worse, i started questioning more, getting deeper into, i then started getting really depressed. thinking i am in denial and just cant accept it. but then i was hearing stories that wheer sort ov simliar, you know posts which have a familiar background and statements like myself, but that seem to not matter because i would come off and again constant thinking ov the brain.

so gone back to work and people could clearly see there was something wrong with me quiet,isolating myself, making excuses not to go out, and the women i was with there was the only person i had, she helped through thick and thin that women, she even went on the site for me and started talking to mark, and he was saying he needs to get help he needs to see someone, she even went to the doctors and told them about this, the doctor couldnt really go into detail with her because they arent allowed to talk about other peoples problems other than the person that has made the appointment.

so yeah still the same questioning everything, and i said to my ex right get ur dildo we are trying something, she used it me but she said it wouldnt prove anything because apparently staright men like there anuses played with, with there orgeneous zones been there an all, i will be honest it hurt like and felt uncomfortable, i was like tahts it no more, but then i was saying to her well maybe if u had gone slower and eased it in a bit better it wouldnt ov hurt as much, she said hardly any ov it went it, after that i kept doing it at home to see if i liked it. i would bend over with my face to the floor imagining a guy fucking me, and then it started to feel finen with the thoughts ov it.

then came the texts to her saying i know i am gay now leave me alone u were wrong i do want men thatrs it, dont tell me about hocd cause its false. AND SOMETIMES I BEILEVE IT IS FALSE AND A MADE UP THING. we started to become on and off then because i was getting too much for her with the texting and stuff. Then i i used the computer again to find out more reserach, and came across finger lengths apparently IDENTICAL TWINS are 78% likely to be homosexual than 28% non indentical twins, and guess what i am a non identical twin. then i found out that you can tell in finger lengths who are homosexual apparently in homsexual men the index finger on the right hand is more likely to be shorter than the ring finger due to a higherlever of testorone they call it hypermasculanized. and guess what my index finger is shorter than my ring finger on both my hands by quite a bit, well after that i was checking for month ov other peoples fingers. Making them put there fingers down and let me seeing which is bigger because females index finger is longer than there ring due to estrogen, now i was checking all the time.

Then i started to look at gay porn and stuff like first time gay sex for men and was like well this is alright , he seems to be enjoying it, and then now in my head it feeels fine, i can say to you now like we discussed the other day when i watch gay porn now, seeing a man getting fucked there is soemthing nice about, and now i am at the stage where i am like i am defo bisexual at least.

so anyhow back to the story so i would be checking peoples fingers, and then would go on the hocd site when i got home, and i use to go on there and say to them you are wrong i am gay, i make up that i had being to a gay club and kissed men and had sex with them and realised that i liked it, now then they were like well maybe u are gay then, and then made me angry because i was like u said i had hocd, and then they would go well we just offer opnions and advice, then the moderator mark said maybe you are GAY WITH OCD and i was like yes maybe i am. but anyhow i hadnt being to a gay club, or kissed a man, or shagged a guy, but for some reason i dont know why its as if i had to make a lie up to them to convince them they were wrong.

and i did that to my ex saying u are wrong i have shagged a guy 2nite and i loved it, and even got in detail ov what he did to me, proper fucked up i know but its as if i just wanted everyone to know they were wrong.

then thoughts ov kids started to come into my head sometimes picturing boys naked and thinking boys are cute, now this started to really fuck me off, because i would like look at my sister and my brother and think the same things and i would grab my head, its like i have no control over what i think. but even if a male bent over infront ov me whether he be 18-60 i would automatically think about shagging him.

so yeah it has gotten worse over the years mate, but now when i go on gay porn, i want to expereince what they do i want to feel a man fuck me, its like when i see them moaning with the cock going inside ov them ov enjoyment thats what i want to feel, and when i seem them kissing, and fondling its like i want that, u see i actaully imagine this in my head all the time to see how it feels and i get no response on how it feels.

and when i was with my ex i would be always texting girls, when we split up for a bit i got with another girl, and could always get it up and dtsuff and enjoyed the sex, well i hope i did anyhow,


so thanx for listening pal, there is still alot more to add but just thankyou for taking time to listen to me it means alot.

 

Sounds like you've had a fun time!---lol jk.Still it sounds like things have gotten better.I hope everything works out for you!